Things You Should Never Say to a Person Struggling With Depression
Whatever your experience with your own mental health, it’s hard to find the perfect thing to say when someone you care about is struggling with depression. But it’s easier to understand what not to say.
Too often, people with depression “feel ashamed” and “erroneously believe they can overcome it with sheer willpower,” writes the Mayo Clinic . Unfortunately, our words can exacerbate this sense of shame, which can further plunge a person into depression. When someone is depressed, they are not themselves in their thinking, feeling, and body, “and that means every word you say to them really matters,” says Rosanne Capanna-Hodge , an expert in integrative mentality. health, in an interview with Parade .
Assuming you want to help your loved one, it’s natural to feel like you’re walking on eggshells to avoid saying the wrong thing. Some of the answers you blurt out instinctively end up being useless, factually wrong, or embarrassing. Below are some common things you should not say to someone struggling with depression, and what you can say instead to help them.
“You always look happy, you don’t look depressed.”
Depression doesn’t always “look” a certain way. Familiarize yourself with common signs and symptoms , but be aware that depression manifests differently in different people.
When you say something that expresses distrust of the other person’s thinking, as in the above statement, you may inadvertently create a feeling of doubt. Well, if I don’t look depressed, maybe I’m not struggling? Am I overreacting? I’m crazy? Given the stigma associated with mental illness , these doubts can lead someone to refuse to seek treatment.
“Happiness is a choice” / “It’s all in your head.”
“People don’t want to get depressed,” Anderson says in Parade . “It cannot be blamed or implied that a person’s disorder is his fault or that his psychological suffering is his choice.”
When you present depression and happiness as a conscious choice, you oversimplify the problem. A person experiencing depression will not feel that they can simply “cheer up” or “get out of it.”
If you find yourself wanting to tell someone that their depression is completely under their control, consider this guide from Healthline :
If you wouldn’t say something to someone who has a physical illness like diabetes or cancer, you probably shouldn’t say it to your depressed friend.
Would you tell someone to “pull out” a broken leg? Probably no.
“This too shall pass.”
That or any other platitude like “let it go” or “time heals all wounds”. In addition to being clichéd and impersonal, “talking platitudes and overflowing the conversation with toxic positivity can exacerbate the guilt and shame that people with depression already struggle with on a daily basis,” said psychiatrist Dr. Leela R. Magavi. Insider .
It’s hard to find the right words, and it’s easy to lean on phrases like “stay strong” or “things will get better.” However, if that’s all you say, the person you’re talking to may wonder if you’re really taking them seriously. (We have some ideas for open questions and non-trivial words of comfort at the bottom of this article.)
“Everyone falls down sometimes.”
Destigmatizing mental health issues is one thing; normalizing them to the point of dilution is quite another. So while a statement like the one above might be true, it’s also pretty dismissive. If someone is constantly told that they feel “normal”, they are unlikely to seek the necessary treatment.
You can accept the fact that someone’s depression is nothing to be ashamed of, but don’t make them feel like they’re overreacting to a very personal, painful experience right now.
“You are being selfish.
Depending on your relationship with the depressed person, you may feel overwhelmed. Remember, “A person dealing with clinical depression is likely to have a difficult time coping with their personal life,” writes clinical therapist Oddesty K. Langham in Psych Central . “They are not selfish; they’re just not okay. They may not have the opportunity to be and do everything that someone else wants them to be or do.”
Even if you are personally disappointed, try to keep the perspective. Your loved one is having a hard time, and blaming them for being selfish won’t help you or you in the end.
But look how beautiful your life is.
Similarly, “It can’t be that bad”; “It could be worse;” “You think you’re sick…”
Comparisons will not help a depressed person. “Depression is a very personal phenomenon that does not require any justification. Any comparison can completely negate someone’s everyday life experience,” Magavi says in Insider . These statements are dismissive and make people wonder if they “deserve” depression (which is a misconception about mental health).
“Just try to eat better and exercise!”
While it’s true that exercise can help manage depression , it’s not a standalone treatment plan. With a comment like that, you run the risk of implying that all someone needs is going to the gym to cure a serious mental illness. This is scientifically inaccurate, let alone condescending. Add to that the fact that one might struggle with one’s body in addition to being depressed, and that feeling can be a recipe for disaster.
There is no doubt that healthy lifestyle changes will have a positive impact on someone’s mental health. Let these comments come from a professional. Instead, consider making a healthy meal for your loved one and asking them to join you for a walk.
So what should you say to help a depressed person?
Don’t let all of the phrases above stop you from saying anything at all. The key to supporting someone struggling with depression is to make it clear that you are there for them. Focus on phrases that show unconditional care, not judgment. Here are some ideas you can use:
- Thanks for telling me.
- I’m here if you want to talk.
- I love you / You are important to me / You are not alone.
- Have you talked to [doctor, therapist, family] about these feelings?
- This must be hard for you, but you are doing the right thing by talking about it.
- How can I help?
When in doubt, rely on open-ended questions and supporting statements about what they are going through. Often the most helpful thing you can do is simply listen to your loved one. You can also remember to contact them regularly, even (or especially) if they can’t reciprocate.
SAMHSA National Helpline , 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Referral Routing Service) or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, toll-free, 24-hour 365 number. English and Spanish for individuals and their families with mental and/or substance use disorders.
If you are going through a mental health crisis and need someone to talk to, there are several organizations that provide 24/7 crisis support and free general counseling. Text “START” to 741-741 to contact The Crisis Text Line, or call The Trevor Project Helpline at (866) 488-7386; Trans Lifeline can be contacted at (877) 565-8860 in the US and (877) 330-6366 in Canada.
If you have suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 for support and help from a qualified counselor. If you or a loved one is in immediate danger, call 911.