Use the Sigh, See, Go Method to Teach Your Children (and You) Self-Regulation
Small parenting problems crop up every day, from whining about leaving the playground to disagreements with a sibling or conflicts with friends at school. You want to handle every emotional upset in the best and healthiest way for your child, but how do you know what answer is good enough? In her new book , Breathe, See, Begin: How to Be the Parent Your Child Needs in a World That Will Stop Pressing—A Science-Based Method in Three Easy Steps, pediatrician Alison Escalante says today’s parents are just learning how to regulate our own emotions, rather than suppressing them. “Sigh, See, Begin” is a simple method to check in with yourself, observe your child’s emotional state, and begin to resolve frustration when disagreements arise.
How to use the “Breathe, See, Go” self-regulation method
Try this method in any parenting situation where you feel confused or overwhelmed. If you’re faced with a problem and are immediately worried about what you “should” be doing, this is a good place to start.
Sigh
If it seems like deep breathing is a panacea for all your emotional problems, that’s because it is. And you can’t do it too much. Take a big, deep breath. Exhale slowly, imagining it to be a sigh of relief.
“Breathing helps you stop going down the negative path you’re on and focuses on yourself, giving you the opportunity to not be bullied by the ‘shoulds’ in your head,” Escalante writes.
See
Look at your child. Do you notice signs of happiness, sadness, anger, fear or confusion? Take a moment to realize what is happening.
“You are not at the beginning stage yet, so you are not analyzing; you don’t plan or evaluate,” Escalante writes. “You observe and collect information that may be useful. When we skip this step, we often see only what we expect to see, rather than all that is actually there—or isn’t.”
Start off
In the past, you might have started with the word “start” – an automatic scan of the parent files in your brain for the right actions to take to fix it all. According to Escalante, taking a breath and seeing gives you a little peace and context before you begin.
“Then (and only then) start thinking about what might be appropriate at that moment. Can hugs help? Could they use some space? Do they need a minute to accept the limit you just set? Do they need to figure this out on their own?” Escalante writes. “Start by trying something different, or even just stop and do nothing. What you do may or may not work, but the most important thing is to start; this way you will learn more about your child.”
If you make a mistake and feel shame, start sighing, see, start the process all over again,” Escalante writes. Mistakes are part of the process.
“Children don’t need perfect parents; they should be raised by real people who model how to deal with mistakes,” she writes.
“Start” with an action that feels natural to you and that you are confident in. What are your strengths in interpersonal relationships? Show physical affection, act silly, ask questions, or validate feelings? Start with your special skills.
“Understand and use your strengths as a parent rather than trying to fix your weaknesses,” Escalante writes.
Here are some tips if you don’t yet know where to “start”:
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Ask your child for ideas.
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Engage their imagination.
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Adjust your participation by moving back or moving closer.
How does Breathe, See, Begin work in your brain?
Sighing stimulates the vagus nerve (part of the parasympathetic nervous system) and signals the brain to relax.
“It can help us move out of stress and frustration and into a calmer state. In doing so, the vagus nerve brings back into play our higher-level thinking, which in turn can relay information to our ancient animal brain to calm it down; we are safe,” Escalante writes.
“Seeing” allows you to pick up on signals that you might normally miss. You constantly perceive information through your senses, but most of it is filtered out as uncritical in the moment.
“We are blissfully unaware of all the information we are unaware of. Cognitive scientists now believe that a key function of the human brain is “meaning making.” Our brains perceive an incredible amount of information every microsecond, both from within our body and from our external environment; the brain then sorts out which information is important and which is not. The input that makes the cut is either unconsciously processed by our brain or transmitted to our consciousness,” writes Escalante.
When you “get started” you may feel the old pressure to act in a completely appropriate way. Much more important than being perfect is that you act from a place of love and signal to your child’s nervous system that you are a partner in co-regulating with him.
“The most important factor for a child’s future is whether they perceive their parents as warm and loving,” Escalante writes.
How to Share This Method with Your Children
When you use sigh, look, start, tell your child what you are doing:
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“I’m going to take a deep breath and let it out.”
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“Now I want to watch what happens here. I see you’re crying, you must be upset.”
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“Now I will check to see if you are physically harmed. If not, let’s try hugging and see if that helps.”
In Breathe, See, Begin , Escalante includes questions to help you explore each step of the process. Try answering some of these questions with your child, helping them solve the problem using the “sigh, see, go” method.
Sigh
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What do you think about it?
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How much time and energy do you have for this?
See
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Who is participating?
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What did they say to you or what did their behavior tell you?
Start off
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Summarize what you observed and your resources to solve the problem.
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How important is this problem now?
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Is there another issue that is a priority?
Be sure to remind your child (and yourself) that you won’t always be able to solve problems the first time, but you are gathering information that will influence your next choice.
“Using a sigh, you know, a start, is a personalized version of the scientific method. By clarifying our assumptions, testing our ideas, and then adapting to the results of our experiments, our parenting wisdom grows rapidly,” Escalante writes.