How to Develop Your Romantic Competence
Different people navigate the complexities of romantic relationships in different ways, from testing their partner with sprinkled condiments or asking about woodpeckers to reminiscing about good times or trying to speak their love language (apparently there are now seven , if there is such a thing ).
But there is also a set of more tangible skills known collectively as “romantic competence” that, when developed correctly, can serve as tools for building healthy relationships. Joan Davila, Ph.D. , professor of clinical psychology at Stony Brook University, and her team of researchers coined the term in 2009 , and the approach has grown in popularity since then. Here’s what you need to know about the basics of romantic competence, how to develop the necessary skill set, and why it’s important.
What is romantic competence?
Simply put, “romantic competence” means the ability to engage in intimate loving relationships in a healthy and connected way, says Carla Marie Manley, Ph.D. , a clinical psychologist specializing in relationships, and author of the forthcoming book The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Secure Relationships (March 4, 2024).
“At a fundamental level, components of romantic competence include the capacity for self-reflection, interdependence, and emotional regulation,” she says. “However, in my clinical practice, I have found that strong romantic competence also requires well-developed skills in emotional intelligence, coherent communication, healthy conflict management, and relationship maintenance skills.”
As Davila explains in his 2015 TEDx talk , “We may know what a healthy relationship looks like, but most people have no idea how to have one, and no one teaches us how.” This is where romantic competence comes into play.
But like many other interpersonal skills, those associated with romantic competence take time and effort to develop, which Manley says “requires ongoing investment and conscious commitment.”
How to develop your romantic competence
There are many factors that influence how people approach relationships, and the same applies to romantic competence. In other words, most relationships don’t start out with all the people involved being on the same page when it comes to things like meeting each other’s emotional needs. Here are some examples of ways to develop your romantic competence:
Do some self-reflection
One of the key components of romantic competence is the ability to be self-aware, so if you’ve struggled with this in the past, it’s time to do some more work. “Partners who develop introspective abilities tend to be less reactive and more aware of how their own strengths and weaknesses play a role in the relationship,” Manley says.
Take care of yourself and your relationships
Interdependence, which Dávila calls “mutuality,” involves partners recognizing and meeting their own needs and their needs as a couple. “True interdependence promotes a team approach that allows each partner—and relationship—to flourish and expand,” says Manley.
Find healthy and productive ways to process your emotions.
Emotional regulation is exactly what it sounds like, and according to Manley, it’s crucial in intimate relationships. “When one or both partners have emotional dysregulation, the relationship itself will be unsafe,” she says.
Keep the lines of communication open
Finally, it wouldn’t be a relationship article without a section on communication. In this case, Manley calls this concept “connective communication,” meaning “the conscious use of verbal and nonverbal behavior to connect with another person.”
In addition to mutual respect, connection-oriented communication requires partners to carefully interact with each other in order to find common ground and create unity rather than division. This requires genuine, active listening and conversation without interruptions, verbal abuse or criticism, she notes.
“When partners are unable to communicate openly and healthily, the relationship will stagnate or break down over time,” says Manley. “Communication is vital to building intimacy, trust, and security in romantic relationships.”
Why Romantic Competence is Important in Relationships
As Manley points out, falling in love is easy, but staying in love takes effort. “When we have a high level of romantic competence, we are able to transform loving feelings into loving thinking and actions that promote lasting loving relationships,” she explains.
However, no one is perfect: even people with high levels of romantic ability don’t always get it “right”, including ourselves. “However, those who work on earning and maintaining romantic abilities find that their relationships become smoother and more joyful over time,” says Manley.
Finally, you don’t have to be in a romantic partnership to benefit from developing your romantic competence. “I believe that the abilities we need to have healthy love relationships also show up in all areas of life, such as parenting, friendships, [and] work,” she says.