Why You Should See a Death Doula

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We’re all going to die, and before that we’ll probably have to deal with the deaths of a few people we love along the way.

Too dark? Discomfort with the thought of death may be the reason why people rarely talk about it, plan for it, or teach each other how to cope with it.

“Many people in our society have a death phobia and don’t want to talk about it,” said Maradi Duran, a social worker, doula and educator for the International Association of End-of-Life Doulas . “Being an end-of-life doula is more than just my bedside experience. I can talk to friends, family and strangers about death, what scares them and what their plans are. Being a doula is also about educating our community that there are many choices when it comes to end-of-life decisions.”

When you or a loved one inevitably faces death, you may have an overwhelming feeling of, “What do I do now?” What should I do with these feelings… and all this paperwork? End-of-life doulas (also called death doulas or death coaches) are compassionate and knowledgeable guides who can walk with you through death and grief.

The experience of supporting a childhood friend after her death at age 27 prompted Ashley Johnson, president of the National End of Life Doula Alliance , to take on the role.

“Walking alongside her on her journey, I realized the great need for education, service and connection for people and their families facing end-of-life issues,” Johnson said. “The death of my dear friend only strengthened my commitment to this path. I saw it as my calling to provide the same level of care and support to others going through the complexities of end-of-life experiences. I firmly believe that every person deserves a dignified and well-supported end-of-life journey, and that starts with demystifying the process, reducing fear, and helping families achieve the proper closure they need to heal.”

What to Expect from a Death Doula

The services provided by an end-of-life doula are actually quite varied and flexible. Like birth doulas, they do not provide any medical care. Here are some of the services Johnson says she provides in her job:

  • Advance care planning . This may include a living will, durable power of attorney for health care, and advance directives. “We help individuals and their families navigate the complex process of advance health care planning by ensuring that their wishes and choices are considered and documented,” Johnson said.

  • Practical training for family caregivers . End-of-life doulas can teach caregivers and family members how to physically care for their loved ones when they are close to death.

  • Accompaniment of patients. “We provide patients with emotional support and companionship to help ease their feelings of isolation and anxiety,” Johnson said.

  • Help for family caregivers. Caring for a dying family member can be tireless, but caregivers need time to step away and care for themselves.

  • Creating a support plan at the time of death of the patient. A person approaching the end of his life can find comfort in many things in his environment, from lighting, music, aromatherapy, to those around him. The doula will help coordinate all the details.

  • Grief support . “Our role extends to the grieving process, offering support to both the loved ones of the dying person and the patient through the end-of-life journey and beyond,” Johnson said.

  • Monitoring actively dying patients. “We ensure that no one faces the end of life alone by providing a comforting and compassionate presence during the active dying process,” Johnson said.

  • Assistance in organizing funerals and memorial services. Planning services is a difficult task to tackle while you are probably exhausted by grief. Doulas have been through this process many times and can be a steady hand when making decisions.

“Our goal as death doulas is to improve the quality of life and death for everyone involved,” Johnson said. “We provide a wide range of non-medical support, creating an environment where people and their loved ones can find comfort, guidance and a sense of peace during this profound and sensitive stage of life.”

When is it time to bring a doula?

Death doulas can provide comfort and support to both the dying person and their loved ones at any stage of the process. They may intervene to help before, during or after death.

  • Anytime before you receive a terminal diagnosis, doulas can help you prepare emotionally and practically by planning for end-of-life wishes, advance care planning, and creating a supportive environment.

  • During the end-of-life phase, doulas are more likely to be present to offer emotional, spiritual and practical support. If necessary, they can be provided weekly or daily.

  • After death, doula services continue for the family of the deceased.

“There’s really no time frame for grief,” Durant said. “Some will want to meet once or twice after death, and some do not want to do grief work at all. This is a personal journey and some people may take years to complete this work.”

Unexpected death support

Not all deaths come with advance warning or time to prepare and plan. Even in the event of an unexpected death, an end-of-life doula can help you sort through the practical details and process your grief. They can:

  • Provide emotional support

  • Help you understand the grief process

  • Teaches you coping strategies

  • Assistance in organization, legal and financial matters.

  • Let us help you create meaningful memorial rituals to honor those who have died.

  • Provide connection and community

  • Listen and validate your feelings

  • Provide long-term support

“My mentor Ocean Phillips, who is also a doula, always reminds me that ‘grief is another form of love,’” Durand said. “Grief gets a bad rap and many people don’t want to feel grief, but it can change many who experience it. People who have experienced the unexpected death of a loved one may feel guilty: “If only I… I could…” A doula can give them space and allow them to share it. We can never fix or change, but we can support them and show loving kindness along the way.”

Other professionals who can help you cope with death

Death doulas work alongside many other professionals, including medical professionals and hospice staff, to help families cope with the death process and everything that follows .

“The entire team has the opportunity to connect with those experiencing grief and death. I am always aware that I am only a small part of a larger community that will help support those facing death and loss,” Durand said.

Here are a few other professionals you may want to consider when dealing with the death of a loved one:

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