Improve Your Conversations by Focusing on Curiosity Rather Than Efficiency
I’m a stand-up comedian; Between open mics and speaking engagements, I can’t go an evening without enough small talk to feed a thousand dinner parties. Oddly enough, how I carry myself in a one-on-one conversation can be much more important than what I say into the microphone. But “act” is the keyword that can sabotage most people when they’re trying to make small talk.
No matter your industry, we’ve all been there: walking into a room full of strangers or acquaintances and feeling that nervous pit in our stomach. You want to make a good impression and have intelligent, witty conversations, but anxiety begins to creep in. Suddenly you are more focused on “performing” in society rather than actually interacting with people.
Today’s anxiety-reducing social etiquette hack comes from this TikTok by creator Danielle Bayard Jackson ( @thefriendshipexpert ). In the video, she explains that your priority in conversation should not be performance, but curiosity. I’m going to go into more detail about this by providing some of my own tips for improving conversation, taken not only from all the hours I’ve spent, but from all the hours I’ve spent getting annoyed beyond belief by the people leading the conversation. on me. Let’s dig in.
How to Have a Better Conversation: Curiosity Over Productivity
When you shift your focus from productivity to curiosity, you will not only reduce your social anxiety, but you will also have more meaningful conversations. Here are some tips.
Ask open questions
Resist the urge to “perform” by talking about yourself. Instead, ask open-ended questions that allow others to share. Here you can afford to be a little frank if necessary. Simple starters like “What do you like about your job?” or “Where did you grow up?” open dialogue. Listen carefully to their answers and ask thoughtful follow-up questions to show genuine interest. For example, if they answer that one of their favorite things about work is their coworkers, ask what those people are like. If they say they really hate their job, ask them what exactly it is that sucks about it. Remember: the goal here is curiosity. In this case, the conversation will flow more naturally.
Learn silence
Don’t be alarmed by natural lulls and pauses in conversation. It can be painful, but silence allows you and the other person to reflect on what was said. Refrain from filling pauses in conversation with nervous mumbling. Breathe and enjoy the moment. If someone has time to think, they might think of something else they would like to add to the conversation.
Give compliments sincerely
If you notice something in someone that you sincerely admire, politely say so. The key here is simplicity but sincerity. “What a nice watch” or “You have a good eye for art” will help. Don’t give compliments for the sake of flattery. Tasteful, sincere compliments open people up and can be a great trigger for another open-ended question.
Do not overdo it
Believe me, I know how easy it is to monopolize a conversation out of nerves by revealing too much about yourself. Focus on the other person, sharing personal details or stories only when it’s absolutely important. Again, don’t speak solely to fill space.
Stay here
Anxiety can distract you from conversations as your thoughts race ahead. If this happens, catch yourself, take a breath, and calmly refocus on the moment. Don’t worry about where the conversation “should” go or worry about the awkward moment that happened earlier. Stay involved in the present.
Better, less anxious conversations require tuning into the other person without expectations. Curiosity and genuine interest open up honest dialogue, while speeches and posturing close it off. Try changing your thinking – the connections you make will become more real, vibrant and rewarding.