This TikTok Relationship Hack Is Actually Based on Research
A “new” dating hack trending on TikTok is literally for the birds. In a recent TikTok video, content creator Liss Liss (@alyssacardib) explains how the “bird test” can predict whether a couple’s relationship will last or not.
“The Bird Test states that if you’re with someone… romantic or not, if you say something that might be considered insignificant and your partner responds with genuine curiosity, that’s a really good sign that your relationship will last. long,” she says in the video.
Liss shares an anecdote about sitting with a friend at Starbucks and pointing out a woodpecker she saw in the window. They ended up talking about the bird and Googling facts about it. They have remained close ever since.
But Liss’s video also comes with a warning: “If [your partner] pushes you away, he doesn’t even recognize you and just says, ‘Oh cool, woodpecker,’ that’s a really bad sign.”
At first glance, the “bird test” seems a little silly, like just another superficial-level viral sensation – does it really mean anything if someone isn’t excited about a woodpecker? What if a person just doesn’t care about birds? But this premise is actually based on research. In particular, this is an example of a so-called “connection application”.
What is the connection rate?
“Connection requests are an invitation from one person to another to connect mentally and emotionally,” Dr. Carla Marie Manley, psychologist and author of Date Smart , tells Lifehacker. “When two people engage in consensual acts of connection, a true sense of connection occurs. Through the lens of attachment theory, the desire for connection represents an opportunity for one person to tune into the interests and needs of another person.” As Manley explains, a connection request requires the person making it to demonstrate vulnerability. If the person responds, then the risk is justified, and the connection between them is strengthened. If rejected—if a person reacts with distraction or indifference, if not hostility—“feelings like anger, hurt and resentment arise,” she says.
The doctors. John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute pioneered the research that established the concept of bonding offers, and their research shows that couples who return these offers 86% of the time have a significantly higher chance of maintaining a long-lasting, healthy relationship compared to couples who return these offers 86% of the time. those who don’t.
How a bird test is an application for connection
Using this principle, the “bird test” is not just for birds. It says more about the connection between two people who may (or may not) be talking about the birds in question.
“The bird TikTok trend is an interesting example of how awareness of something—in this case a bird—can become an opportunity for interest and attuned behavior,” says Manley. “When a person—whether a friend, family member, or romantic partner—shows genuine interest in something that another person finds meaningful, the feeling of connection can be profound. Offers to connect may seem trivial to some, but if responded to positively, they have enormous potential to build lasting intimacy and trust over time.”
Why the bird test isn’t really a test
But sociologist and sexologist Sarah Melancon fears the bird test will be used as a “test” rather than a real, immediate application.
“Relationship tests are not recommended because they are manipulative and unreliable,” she says. “If you feel the need to test your partner, you may have trust issues. Moreover, the expectation of a partner’s reaction appears to be stronger than the Gottman study suggests.”
Melanson gives the example of Liss: If a partner simply responds, “Oh, cool, woodpecker,” that’s a “bad sign,” and that a better sign would be if the bird test led to an in-depth discussion of woodpeckers. or find interesting facts about woodpeckers. From Gottman’s point of view, Melancon says, the response “Oh, cool, woodpecker” is actually a positive response to the “suggestion.”
“It could be a concern if they didn’t respond at all or gave a negative answer, like, ‘Who cares?’ Woodpeckers are annoying,” Melancon explains.
The most important thing is to remain open to connection requests from your partner.
It is important to know that connection requests can take many forms, and to remember that your own connection requests may not always be received or responded to, and that is okay.
While Liss’ statement that she won’t date someone who doesn’t answer her bird test may work for her, Manley wonders if that’s a good boundary to set.
“While I appreciate [Liss’s] restriction of not dating anyone who doesn’t respond to her bird-like bid for attention, it does seem like a pretty random standard,” she says. “For example, a wonderful partner may not have a strong interest in birds and therefore may not respond as she would like, but she may respond very well to other proposals for mating. Another example: a person may be very tired or stressed when a bird appears and in most cases will show interest in bird watching. What matters most is overall human behavior in response to calls for attention, not an arbitrary one-time test specific to birds.”
In fact, Manley says, we naturally prioritize connection most of the time, whether with a romantic partner, loved ones, friends or at work.
“A common example of trying to connect in a romantic relationship is inviting your partner to tell you about their day,” she explains. “Invitations to have sex, cook dinner together, or play games are all attempts to connect. In fact, many interactions between partners actually begin with a partner offering to connect.”
While you can try the bird test on your next date, Melancon advises using it with caution.
“Gottman’s research found that couples who were happy in the long term tended to comply with their partner’s suggestions 86% of the time. This means that in 14% of cases, even in happy relationships, partners turned away or turned against [them],” Melancon says. “There are many reasons why a particular application cannot be addressed: being distracted, being in the middle of a conversation about something else, being lost in thoughts about another topic, not realizing that the application has been made. Missing one bet does not mean the death of any relationship.”
Likewise, constant responses to your requests for attention don’t necessarily mean you have a true connection. Use your discernment and maybe give your potential partner one more chance before you let him fly away.