Age-Specific Guide to Raising an Independent Child

As nice as it would be to have a perfectly obedient child (although it is quite unusual), you probably also want your child to grow up to be an independent, autonomous adult who can make decisions on his own, based on his own values.

Autonomy-supportive parenting (ASP), an antidote to controlling or parenting, can help you raise confident children while reducing your own parenting stress. To learn more about ASP, I spoke with clinical psychologist Emily Edlynn , author of Autonomy-Supporting Parenting: Reduce Parent Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children .

Why autonomy-supportive parenting is good for families

Edlynn writes that the goal of an ASP is to raise your child without depressing his or her authentic sense of self. This can help children develop self-esteem and self-esteem, identify their personal values, learn self-direction, and feel in control of their own choices.

“I see autonomy-supportive parenting as an urgent corrective to the intense parenting that burns out parents and undermines children’s independence and their very identity,” Edlynn said. “Autonomy-supportive parenting is a flexible, evidence-based approach to parenting that encourages us to move away from doing so much for our children so they can gain self-confidence; promotes prioritization of our own needs to better meet the needs of our children; and helps parents focus on nurturing their child’s authentic self, rather than who we want them to be.”

How learning to be independent now will help them as adults.

The research-proven benefits of ASP read like a parent’s wish list:

• Better mental health
• Higher self-esteem
• More satisfaction with life
• Best Academic Achievements
• Improved social and emotional functioning
• More intrinsic motivation
• More involvement in school
• More empathy and understanding of others’ points of view
• Better attitude towards school

“All of these experiences prepare the child for a healthier adult life,” Edlynn said.

Supporting independence at different ages

Here’s how to teach children independence, from a young age through adulthood.

Baby in kindergarten

Help your youngest children develop skills so they have a growing sense of competence to participate in tasks.

“These little kids love to help, but we often don’t give them the opportunity because their ‘help’ may not seem very helpful,” Edlynn said. “Finding even the smallest task for this age group, like wiping down kitchen counters, shows that you believe it can be beneficial. This demonstration of trust builds their self-confidence, which leads to greater independence.”

More tips for supporting independence in very young children:

• Encourage unstructured play in which the child chooses the activity. When appropriate, practice minimal supervision: stay nearby for safety, but mind your own business.
• Practice empathy and judgment by expressing out loud how they might be feeling.
• Help them learn to regulate their emotions with soothing touch and calming strategies.

Kindergarten to fifth grade

In elementary school, children are ready for even greater independence and skill development. Support their autonomy:

• Establishing a work system.
• Give them an allowance.
• Establish a homework routine that requires as little intervention from you as possible.

“Additionally, the early years of school and activities such as sports encourage exploration and experimentation rather than specialization, which has become the norm,” Edlynn said. “Having a sense of choice helps children feel more motivated in school and activities.”

high school

“This early phase of adolescence is a period of development when we begin to understand who they are outside of their family. In this process of separation, it is important that the parent stays connected with their child, using empathy and perspective to truly understand how the teen is experiencing their life,” Edlynn said. “It’s also more important than ever to involve your child in decisions about family rules, etc., rather than imposing your own rules without their input.”

Additional tips for teens and teens:

• Define success as something other than excellent grades, winning, or being named the best.
• Develop internal motivation, a desire for success that is not influenced by external expectations.
• Show “unconditional positive regard”—make your child feel supported and accepted regardless of their choices or actions.

high school

By the time kids reach middle school, you can kind of squint and see them as adults. We hope that they gain more confidence in their decisions and greater independence in their activities.

“These last years before adulthood are like a training ground for life without parents. Increase their level of freedom and responsibility,” Edlynn said. Continue to support your teen’s independence in the following ways:

• Express your faith in their independence and skills.
• Reduce supervision and monitoring each year of high school.
• Respond to mistakes with curiosity and open-ended questions rather than lecturing. This will help them think about what happened and what they learned.
• Encourage them to use people other than their parents as resources for support.
• Maintain time management skills.

Expected difficulties

ASP is not a magic wand that will help you get rid of all the difficulties of growing up.

“Resolving differences is not realistic or even helpful, no matter how much we want our young children to never have another tantrum,” Edlynn wrote. “Conflict, in all its different forms at different ages and stages of development, is part of healthy development when it occurs in the context of a safe and trusting parent-child relationship that is fostered by autonomy-supportive strategies.”

Here’s how to address each stage of supporting your child’s independence:

• From toddler to preschool age: During the age of tantrums, remember to practice self-compassion. It is difficult to remain patient at this stage of parenting. “The general stress and high physical demands of raising toddlers and preschoolers make us more controlling, and their rapid mood swings and explosive outbursts can be very difficult to understand and empathize with. – Edlynn said.
• Primary age. When children start school, schedules and activities become more hectic, causing stress for parents and children. For children in this age group, you may want to save them from stress rather than teach them how to cope with emotions. “I think in the early years it is difficult for parents to step back and act more like a coach when their children face challenges. Parents have a desire to solve their children’s problems for them or protect them from stress, rather than supporting them through adversity,” Edlynn said.
• Adolescence: Boundaries and family roles change during adolescence, setting families up for conflict over rules and maintaining both independence and connectedness. “The biggest problem in adolescence is the disruption that occurs when teenagers find themselves separated from their families. Parents want to keep their child close and view this separation as a threat rather than an opportunity, which leads to conflict and further disconnection,” Edlynn said.

Covering the Basics You Missed

What if your child is already a double-digit parent and you don’t think much about supporting their independence? Can you catch up?

“I say it’s never too late to change gears. Parenting is like a lifelong learning experience: we are always learning, growing and changing,” Edlynn said. “I was much more controlling with my children in the early years due to my own stress. We started doing chores and receiving allowances later in our family than I would have liked, but now my kids do their chores without complaining (most of the time) and they have demonstrated smart choices about spending and saving their money. Until the age of 25, the brain is much more malleable, so any changes in the environment can have a noticeable impact.”

Start here

The first and easiest step in raising autonomy-supportive children is to look for opportunities to develop your child’s independence and sense of agency, Edlynn says.

“From pouring milk ourselves, even if it spills a little, to brainstorming together how to plan meals for the week, chances to support our baby’s independence are abundant if we know to look for them,” she said.