What to Do If Politics Affects Your Relationship
Not all advice needs to be professional. Sometimes your problems deserve honest honesty on the part of a dude who has nothing but a computer and a conscience. Lucky for you, I’m that guy. Welcome back to Tough Love.
This week we discuss how friends can overcome their political differences and what to do if someone in the group begins to feel ostracized by others because of their beliefs.
Note: I am a reviewer, not a therapist or certified healthcare professional. My advice should be interpreted with this in mind. If you have any problems with what I am saying, please file a complaint here. Now let’s get started.
Dear Sam,
So my longtime partner identifies as a Republican. Not dressed in MAGA, marching to the Capitol, hugging Canon, Trump loving, but just a Republican. He used the phrase “financially conservative” – which I know is ridiculous considering how the US deficit increased during the last administration, even before COVID …
The last couple of months have been very stressful, especially after the riots in the Capitol, and he mentioned several times that he felt like he was back in the 80s (when he was in the closet). He (obviously) doesn’t want to be called racist, fascist, etc. – although, ironically, he seems to stereotypically portray all gay men as ardent, name-calling liberals, so yes, that’s kind of a double standard.
Over dinner the night before, he had an argument with a friend over politics (but did not exchange names or personal remarks). When we returned home, he said: “Maybe in the future you should just walk with our friends, and I will stay at home.” I think it was a knee-jerk reaction – we texted a friend yesterday and it looked good – but I’m worried about him turning off, even from people who have known him for years.
And yes, we have Gay and Straight Republican friends (also not MAGA type, although one of them is quite supportive of Trump and posts some questionable material on Facebook), and we all basically don’t get into politics when we hang out. … out and it seems to work fine. They will not change my mind, and I will not change them.
He’s not mad at me – he’s mad at a part of the rest of the world. I hinted that he should talk to someone – I don’t know if it will be a professional, one of our Republican friends, or someone else. But he is very stubborn, and that worries me.
Thoughts?
Upset
Dear disappointed,
Congratulations to your partner for not being caught in the QAnon maelstrom and joining the rebels in the Capitol. It’s getting harder to find people who identify as traditionally Republicans who are also staunchly disavowing recent extremes, so kudos to your boyfriend and I really mean that.
Despite the fact that we live in hyper-fractional, polarized times, this problem is as old as politics. “Personal is political” is an old adage that carries a lot of weight, and when your beliefs are challenged by people close to you, it can feel like a personal insult. I think that, using a harsh political phrase, it is necessary to examine this situation from both sides.
You say that your partner feels like he was back in the 1980s, when gay men had to hide their sexual orientation due to social stigma and rampant prejudice. Now I ask: Does what he is personally experiencing at the moment resemble the widespread and legitimate discrimination that gays faced forty years ago? Or is he simply being challenged by dissenting friends? And from the point of view of your liberal friends, are they doing your partner the kind of courtesy that a respected friend usually deserves? Or do they cover their ears every time he speaks?
It’s one thing if you disagree with tariffs for China, or even the current state of immigration policy or the $ 15 an hour minimum wage – friends may disagree – but friends are less likely to accept disagreements personally if those disagreements are limited to funds for achieving some mutually agreed goals.
There are many studies that show it is worth at least occasionally connecting with people outside of your political bubble. And given that much of US politics has moved to the periphery and into the political theater of war, your friends may make the mistake of mistakenly identifying your partner with the global Tucker Carlson community, and it would be a shame, especially if you were all friends for a long time, and your politics did not drive a wedge between the group.
From a practical standpoint, here’s what I recommend: ask your partner why disagreement makes him so upset, because he seems to feel like an outcast. If, as a result of these conversations, friends mistreat him, then I think he has a right to feel offended; but if this sense of sacrifice stems from simple disagreements, then he should be a little more mature on the matter.
Then there are two other options. If it really affects his relationships with friends and he wants to get some idea of it, why not talk to a therapist? Men have a deep aversion to therapy that is rooted in the many silly stigmas that society has woven into beliefs about masculinity over the years. Some neutral point of view on how to handle the situation can be very helpful.
Also here’s another one: keep limiting how much you talk about politics with your friends. This is a simple rule that is easy to follow, especially in groups of two or three, where disagreement tends to be less about curiosity and understanding than about ego and righteousness. These small group conversations can go a long way towards healthier discussions and may, over time, help him feel more comfortable and reduce fears of conversations becoming sour. Focus on what matters most to you guys, and understand, as you stated earlier, that you are unlikely to change anyone.
That’s all for this week, but there is still a lot of Tough Love to come. If you would like to be mentioned, please contact me with a description of your dilemmas in an email to my address ( please include “TIP” or “HARD LOVE” in the subject line ). Or tweet me with the hashtag #ToughLove . For serious inquiries only: do not email or email me if you do not want your name to appear in this column. Disclaimer : I can’t answer everyone, so be sure to include the specific issue in your post. I will not respond to generalizations such as “rude” or vague descriptions of “relationship problems” without specific examples of what is bothering you. Take care of yourself until next time!