Teach Children the Six Steps to Joining a Group
The other day I was in a cafe and overheard a group of four people discussing one of my favorite books. Overhearing, I realized that it was a small book club. I wanted to talk to other book nerds about one of my favorite books! But like how?
Joining established groups is a skill we need from preschool to adulthood. Now, from reading Dr. Robin Silverman’s forthcoming book , How to Talk to Kids About Anything , I know that “merging” with a new group is a six-step process. Silverman, a specialist in child and adolescent development, writes about what adults can say to children to help them get through life’s awkward moments, including making new friends.
As the new school year begins, kids of all ages will have the opportunity to connect with new groups of friends. Teaching them the six steps to joining a group will give them the confidence to participate more actively.
Silverman says kids may need to join an established group of friends when they start a new school, join a new activity like sports teams or clubs, or move to a new neighborhood where local kids already know each other. . “Most kids don’t just want to ‘go to school’ or ‘be on stage’, but they also want to be part of a band and make friends,” she says.
Six steps to join a group
Silverman developed a six-step process with psychologist Eileen Kennedy-Moore, co-author of Growing Friendships: A Children’s Guide to Making and Keeping Friends , which invites you to join or blend into a group rather than trying to change it.
This is a road map that will suit socially reluctant children and adults:
- Listen and watch. This is the step I’m stuck on in the cafe. Observing a group gives you important information, but doesn’t quite involve you in it.
- Come closer. Perhaps your child will start playing in the back of the room, exploring the area. At some point, they should move closer to the group. “The idea here is that you need to blend, not force,” says Silverman.
- Help. Someone dropped a book or kicked a ball out of bounds. There is always some little thing that gives a newcomer the opportunity to provide a service.
- Praise what you see. Who doesn’t love compliments? If you compliment someone in the group, they will show that you are friendly and interested.
- Make an offer. Potential new group of friends drawing Pokémon at recess? Your child might say, “Hey, I have a Pokémon drawing book! Tomorrow I’ll bring it to school so we can share.”
- Get in line for the turn. Now that your child has made a friendly impression, the group should be open to their inclusion, as long as they follow the rules and wait their turn.
“Asking a question can also be a good connection,” Silverman says. “Imagine a child wants to join a sand sculpture group on the beach. You don’t want your child to just plop down and start building with an established group. But I watched and waited, seeing that they were collecting shells, offering: “I found this shell, if you want to use it.” What are you doing? This is cool!’ This will create more connection. “I have an extra bucket, would you like me to take it?” Now you have blending instead of forcing.”
Participation in groups at different stages
Silverman gives us some examples of what it might look like to join a group at different ages.
“The language may become more complex and the scripts may change, but the system is the same,” she says.
Preschool: In the classroom, art center.
“You dropped your red pencil – that’s all!”
“I love the animals you all draw. Your bear is so cute!”
“I have a brown crayon, if you want, you can use it.”
“I’ll draw a bunny on paper! We all draw animals!”
Elementary: change (basketball rolls towards the child).
· “I understand! Well!”
“Wow, great shot!”
“I have an extra basketball if you want to use mine too.”
· Then queue up for the turn.
Teen: First day of high school.
· “Are you all looking for Miss Green’s class? I just finally found it. I can show you if you want.”
“What’s your name? I love your shoes/backpack/hair!”
“I brought a million pencils if you need one.”
“There are a few empty seats here. Would you like to sit together?”
Teen: Trial Games
“They handed out these mini scripts—did you all get one? Here you go. They gave me a bunch.”
“I’ve already heard the three of you warming up – you have amazing voices.”
“They said we should form groups of four, do you want to be a group?”
“Awesome. Do you want to be person A, B, C or D?”
Help your shy child get started
Some children are hesitant to take the first step, especially if there is no adult around to guide them.
“Relieve the pressure. Your child does not need to communicate with the whole group at the same time! Find one child in the group to reach out to – you don’t have to interact with the whole group at once. Smile at one child and expect a smile back. One small connection can open up an entire established group,” says Silverman.
She also suggests brainstorming with your child to come up with interesting questions they can ask potential friends, such as:
- “What did you enjoy the most this summer?”
- “What do you like to do after school?”
Aim for open-ended questions rather than yes/no questions to increase the potential of the conversation.
When the merger failed
Although this process gives children an advantage over inclusion in a new group, not all attempts to join a new group will be successful. If your child has hurt feelings after trying to join a group, you can help:
- Acknowledge this feeling: “It can feel uncomfortable when you want to play with a group of kids, but they say no. It makes sense that you feel a little offended. I’m here to listen to you, hug you or do anything else you need.”
- Normalize: “It happens to a lot of kids. Many people take several tries before they find what works for them.”
- Wonder: “I wonder if there are kids who love to jump rope as much as you? Would you like to bring some of your skipping ropes tomorrow and see if anyone wants to join you?”
- Make a plan: “I like your idea of inviting Sophie to play during recess, as you two were reading partners today. It’s a great plan.”