How to Feel Less Insecure About Your Upbringing

My daughter has been coughing for several weeks now. The pediatrician says it’s okay, but I can try a nebulizer if I want to. I didn’t order saline for the car until the next day. The tiny package of saline is somewhere among the 12 packages of school supplies that I ignored for another day. I can hear my daughter coughing and I think, “I need to go find a saline solution and set up this machine, but I can’t stand in front of this pile of school supplies and she will just get mad if I make her stop playing to get the treatment” . ! Why am I so bad at this!?!”

If you also (over)react to parenting pitfalls by isolating yourself, judging yourself, or feeling self-contempt, you may have shitty parent syndrome. Clinical social worker Carla Naumberg writes about this in her book You’re Not a Crappy Parent: How to Practice Self-Compassion and Give Yourself a Break .

“We assume that the only ones who have ever suffered and screwed up the way we suffer and screwed up, we judge ourselves for it and treat ourselves like we don’t deserve even the most basic approval or respect,” Naumburg writes.

Seven Methods to Overcome the “Shit Parent Syndrome”

Recognize the second arrow of suffering

What you’re going through right now – having a tantrum with a toddler, lack of energy for endless schoolwork, losing patience with a chatty teenager – is probably a perfectly normal and common parenting experience. It burns, it hurts; you must be healed of what looks like an arrow in your side. The “Second Arrow of Suffering” is a voice telling you that it’s your fault, that it’s saying something big about your entire parenting experience, or that you’re alone and will never understand.

The first arrow is a real problem that you need support to solve. The second arrow is the unnecessary shame and condemnation that you pile on the problem – which, by the way, does not help you solve anything. Instead, shame, guilt, and contempt hinder healing.

Trust me, everyone goes through this.

As Naumburg writes, “chaos is normal and you are not alone.” It can seem incredible when it seems that you are the only one who is sweating, irritated and about to burst into tears. But it’s legal that mom was crying in the closet last night before going to bed, and this dad doesn’t know the names of the pediatrician or his kids’ teacher, and that family almost missed the birthday party because they didn’t sleep with the kids every night, and no one forgot to buy a gift or do laundry this week.

You don’t know because we don’t talk about it. We silently judge ourselves and assume that everyone else knows what they are doing. That’s why the next point is so important.

Talk openly and honestly with other parents

We could all say (and hear) the words “I’m having a hard time today/this week/this year.” This opens up the conversation for other parents to say, “Me too, to be honest” or “What do you need?” Don’t you like it when someone in a group of sophomores on Facebook says what you’ve been thinking about all week? Not because we enjoy other people’s suffering, but because it’s rare to see concrete evidence that you’re not the only one worried about this solar system project. As Naumburg writes, “Connection is the antidote to isolation.”

Avoid Instagram

One way to get rid of the shitty parent syndrome is to connect with other parents, but Naumburg does not recommend connecting through social networks, where everyone puts on their best show. We all know this is unrealistic, so why are we torturing ourselves?

Try this game: Whenever a social media post makes you feel like a loser or a shitty parent, promise to exchange at least five words face-to-face with the other parent before opening this app again.

Replace “I” with “We” When You Judge Yourself

This trick reminds you of our common humanity as parents and people trying to live in connection with other people. Instead of saying, “I’m so bad at parent-teacher meetings,” try, “We’re so bad at parent-teacher meetings.” Because we are all like that. We are all nervous, we have little time, we are afraid that the teacher will not like our child, or we are afraid that we will not show proper humility when the teacher says enthusiastic things about him.

Know who your trusted adults are

Maybe you have a whole list of parent-friends and you support each other’s emotional health with honesty, support, and compassion. Most of us don’t have this. But even if you don’t, there will surely be people who will tell you unmistakably that you are doing well with your difficulties. A friend or pediatrician, a teacher, a cousin, a neighbor, a great aunt, and even a yoga instructor. He doesn’t have to be your best friend – just an adult you trust who will listen to you, not judge you.

Make a list and save it in the Notes app. Looking through this list might be enough to get you through a crappy parenting day until the next opportunity to hang out with one of them.

Switch off shit

Start noticing which people, experiences, or virtual spaces make you feel like a shitty parent, lonely, or ashamed. Unsubscribe, make other plans, say no, and look the other way when you see them coming. You don’t have to compete, make them love you, or prove you’re not a shitty parent. You also don’t have to punish yourself by voluntarily returning to places that make you feel like crap about parenting or anything else.