When to Be Honest With Your Partner and When It’s Okay to Lie to Your Partner

How honest are you with your partner? We know that “honesty is the best policy” when it comes to building trust in a relationship, but is there too much honesty? For example, if your partner made a pasta dish that you absolutely hate, would you tell him the truth, or would you spare his feelings with a white lie?

Lying to your partner may not please you, no matter how insignificant it may be, and it makes sense. “Honesty is an integral part of a relationship because it builds trust and emotional closeness between partners, promoting deeper connection and understanding,” Dr. Sanam Hafiz, New York-based neuropsychologist and director ofComprehend the Mind , tells Lifehacker. “It ensures open communication and conflict resolution, allowing both people to deal constructively with issues and concerns. Without honesty, relationships can suffer from breaches of trust, misunderstandings, and lack of emotional security.”

Of course, being honest with your partner that they don’t like their cooking is not at all like, say, being open about your finances before marriage. They are known as two types of honesty — discretionary and mandatory — and, according to a 2013 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships , they occur in any relationship, each with its own causes and consequences.

Below, experts explain the difference between the two types of honesty and when to use each with your partner.

Two Types of Honesty: Compulsory and Discretionary

Compulsory honesty “comes from mutual agreements between partners about what should be openly disclosed in a relationship,” Dr. Carla Marie Manley, clinical psychologist and author of Smart Dating , tells Lifehacker. “Required honesty generally refers to issues that affect partners’ ability to connect emotionally, mentally, and physically. A serious failure in the area of ​​mandatory honesty can lead to the end of the relationship.”

Compulsory honesty agreements—although they can often be implicit or explicit—are often created early in a relationship and can differ drastically from one relationship to another, Manley says. These agreements often deal with issues such as sexuality, finances, joint ventures, and domestic matters.

On the other hand, discretionary honesty is what some might call errors of omission or even white lies, which Manley says can lead to a slippery slope. “At its best, discretionary honesty involves withholding some of the information that is not related to the relationship. At its worst, discretionary honesty is used to deceive a partner in ways that may seem minor in the moment but damage the relationship in the long run.” In some cases, partners have clear agreements about what they feel they don’t need to disclose, Manley says, such as discussions with a best friend, family dynamics, or personal work matters, “however, in many cases, couples have the unspoken rules of discretionary honesty. dynamics”. This explains why, according to Huffez, discretionary honesty “involves a willingness to be truthful and transparent voluntarily, even if there are no explicit obligations. Discretionary honesty is driven by personal values, the desire to build stronger relationships, and the desire for open communication.”

When to Use Mandatory Honesty

Because honesty is about building a solid foundation of security, Manley says it’s an integral part of the dating process. “When two people begin their relationship with a foundation of mandatory honesty, they are more likely to build the trust and security that is critical to a long-term relationship,” she says.

That’s why revealing information about previous relationships is key, Hafiz says. “ Being obligated to be honest about past relationships, including revealing any previous marriages, children, or significant life events, allows couples to have a clear understanding of each other’s history,” she explains. “This honesty helps build trust and ensures that both partners are aware of the potential impact on the current relationship.”

Financial matters are another important part of mandatory honesty. “Couples often have to be absolutely honest with each other about their financial situation,” says Hafiz. “This includes sharing information about debt, income, spending and financial goals. Honesty in financial matters is critical to making informed decisions, effective budgeting, and building trust in the management of shared finances.”

However, the need for mandatory honesty does not disappear after the partners become committed to each other; in fact, the need for mandatory honesty persists throughout the life of the relationship.

“When we bring lives together, it’s important to be completely honest about important elements such as previous relationship history, sexual preferences, mental health issues, and other vital elements of life,” explains Manley.

When to Use Discretionary Honesty

According to Hafiz, discretionary honesty comes into play when one partner chooses to share their personal insecurities and vulnerabilities with the other. “By being candid about their fears or self-doubt, they create a space where both partners can offer support and confidence, fostering a deeper emotional connection,” she says. This also applies when a partner chooses to reveal past mistakes or regrets that may not directly affect the current relationship. “This openness allows both partners to learn from each other’s experiences and show empathy and understanding.”

You also have to be honest, says Manley, when a partner asks for feedback. “Disciplinary integrity can include holding back just enough so that comments are helpful and well received,” she explains. In addition, she says, when the source family dynamic becomes irritable, “it is often appropriate—and sometimes even necessary—to omit details that can subsequently affect the quality of a partner’s relationship with members of the extended family.” Though, she adds, “it’s never wise to overlook details that affect a partner’s well-being or the health of a romantic relationship.”