The Best Amazon Prime Day Deals If You’re Experiencing Overwhelming Existential Fear

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Mid July 2023. The planet is fried. Society is tearing itself apart. We’re drifting in an ocean of nightmares and God has abandoned us, but we can still shop , dammit. We are free people, with a constitutionally guaranteed right to send money to rich morons for shit we don’t need.

Nothing you can buy on Amazon will fill the hole in the center of your being – not even on Prime Day! – but the products below can help you fully embrace your suffering. And with prices so low, you can’t afford not to succumb to crippling despair.

Amazon Prime Day’s Guide to Getting into Bed

If you are determined to give in to discouragement, you need to be prepared to stay in bed for weeks or even years. So you need something comfortable to sleep on like this Zinus Green Tea Memory Foam mattress . A layer of green tea and charcoal stuffing will keep your mattress fresh even when you don’t take a bath. Almost 30% off and it will inspire you to think that the person who figured out how to brew green tea in a mattress is probably a millionaire. Why didn’t you think of that, idiot?

Don’t worry about the bed frame or headboard – just place it on the floor, that’s all you deserve! But think about the sheets. There’s something to be said for the classic bare mattress style depression, but you can also indulge in these 1500 Thread Count Egyptian sheets . They are brown to hide stains.

Sheets may be optional, but blackout curtains – no – you want your niche to be as dark as night all the time, so block out the sun with these Deconovo blackout curtains .

You may ask, “But won’t I starve?” Perhaps with hope in his voice. I’m sorry. Instead, you’ll be cooking sumptuous meals in bed with this affordable George Foreman grill . Its non-stick surface is large enough to cook a meal for the whole family, but it’s also great for one person who no one cares about.

Speaking of bodily needs, it’s time to ditch the pee bottles and move on to the Medline dresser with pull-out armrest . Having that baby next to the bed makes for some relief, and it’s a cheap Prime Day at just $84.99.

Buying a TV won’t help you feel less haunted, but do it anyway.

If you’re going to spend your entire life in bed, you’ll need at least two good TVs. I recommend this 85″ SAMSUNG Class QLED 4K LS03B Series TV and this LG 55″ Class OLED Objet Collection Posé Smart TV . They’re expensive, but less so due to the Prime Day sale, but don’t worry about it: put them on your Amazon credit card and forget. There is no future anyway.

When they arrive (thanks to free Amazon Prime shipping!) put them on the floor. Leave one closed at A&E Crime Central . It’s only $0.99 for 2 months compared to the regular price of $4.99 per month. Leave another set on Hallmark Movies Now for the same low price.

Leave them on all day and night, but don’t look at them. Write your manifesto on the back of your credit card overdue notices with these SAKURA Pigma Micron Fineliner pens .

It’s not all terrible. Almost everything is terrible.

Life is not 100% desperation. There are moments of connection and transcendent joy that reveal the underlying unity of all creation (or so I read). To keep the flame of hope alive, purchase the Fisher-Price Little People Journey Together on the Ship of Friends Musical Playset . Look at the reassuring smiles of the tiny figures and imagine that you could join Mia and Captain Bo on their tiny “Friendship Ship” as it speeds across the endless sea.

Full Lifehacker Amazon Prime Day Shopping Package for Desperation

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