How to Prepare for All the Parenting “big Talks”
This post is part of our Big Conversations series, a guide to help parents navigate the most important conversations they will have with their children. Read more here .
When we were kids, there was a thing known as The Talk. On one of the 6570 days of our childhood, our parents had to sit us down and explain such a small thing as sex. We would have received the basic principles of the practice, as well as emphatically emphasized advice that it is worth waiting until much more distant future to try to practice, plus warnings about all the possible consequences of not being “safe”. It was awkward, if not humiliating, for everyone involved, but once it was done, it was gone forever.
These days, most of us know that The Conversation is actually a long series of conversations to start at a young age as we teach children the anatomical names of their body parts . After all, they will not only need to know what sex is, but also about things like sexual assault , sexual assault , and consent .
And sex is hardly the only “big talk” we need to start with our children when they are small and develop them throughout their childhood in an age-appropriate way. Our children live in a world filled with racism, sexism, drugs, online predators and school shootings to name just a few of the dangers, so one of these conversations lurks forever around the next corner. I have found it helpful to prepare ahead of time. That way, when they ask an unexpected question or we spot a teaching moment, we have words ready and waiting (mostly).
Of course, you can still dig a little (or a lot) into some of the topics the first time around, but arming yourself with age-appropriate language tips and explanations will take the pressure off a bit. And we’re here to help prepare you with this series of 14 of the most important conversations you’ll have with your children during their childhood and how to have them.
However, before you get started, here are a few tips to help you navigate through all of the “Big Negotiations” we cover in this series.
Remember that when you have great conversations with children, this is the key to success.
Awkward or difficult conversations are much less awkward or difficult—for you and for them—if you don’t have to make eye contact. Of course, there are times when eye contact is required for a serious conversation, but in many cases, not making eye contact can help them ask more open and honest questions.
My favorite place for such conversations is, of course, the car. Your eyes must remain on the road; they can look out the window. You can take your time answering each other. Looks a little less menacing. Walking around the neighborhood is also good, because you are close to each other, but look ahead. I know a mom who loves to invite her teenage son into the kitchen to “keep her company” while she cooks dinner. She cuts vegetables while he pours out his heart. The security lies in the fact that her attention is divided, if only a little.
Admit it’s embarrassing for you too
You can prepare with answers and choose a good place for big talks, but that doesn’t mean you won’t feel uncomfortable – you’re only human and you may not be used to verbalizing some of these topics. . However, if you feel uncomfortable, there is a good chance that your children will understand. And they may interpret your hesitation or discomfort as a result of their questions and therefore conclude that they did something wrong by asking them. Children are good at assimilating our emotions and blaming themselves for things we never thought they would blame ourselves for.
So if you’re uncomfortable, admit it. “It may seem that I am looking for an answer here,” you might say. “It’s just because I’m not used to talking about XYZ a lot and I’m trying to find the right words. But it’s a good question and I’m so glad you asked it. It’s actually kind of a bonus: your awkwardness gives you an extra opportunity to verbalize your feelings, which is always good to model.
End every big conversation with this question.
I have a tendency to ramble when I have an awkward conversation with my son. I often make the mistake of treating one simple question as an opportunity to solve a whole bunch of questions at once, and I end up going about my business and unwittingly dancing around giving him a direct answer to the question. – he asked. But I don’t want him to think that I’m deliberately digressing, so I always end one of these conversations with the question, “Did I answer your question?”
Sometimes he says yes, and sometimes he says, “Well, I still don’t understand…” and I realize that I’ve gone too far in the wrong direction or missed an important detail. This gives me a chance to correct course so I don’t leave him more confused than when we started.
You can do it
Even if it all sounds nervous, trust that you are ready. And consider this guide your starting point on how to have all of the following Big Conversations with your kids. (Note: These articles will be posted one at a time throughout the day, every half hour. Links below will be added or updated throughout the day as each article is posted.)