You Also Need to Set Boundaries With Your Sworn Enemies.

One of the most common tips from TikTok and Instagram therapists is to establish healthy boundaries with the people in your life. As a rule, recommended boundaries are established with partners, family members, colleagues and friends. But, according to Adam Grant, Ph.D. , an organizational psychologist at Wharton, it’s also important to limit ambivalent relationships: including with our sworn enemies.

In an article for the New York Times, Grant explains why relationships in this category can be harmful to both our mental and physical health, and how we can set the necessary boundaries. Here’s what you need to know.

What is an ambivalent relationship?

Most people tend to think of relationships in their lives as either positive or negative, and either accept or avoid them accordingly. “But the most toxic relationships aren’t just negative ones,” Grant writes . “These are the ones that are a mixture of positive and negative.” In other words, an ambivalent relationship.

You know the type: sometimes they are on your side, and sometimes they actively complicate your life. Sworn enemies fall into this category, as well as family members, colleagues, neighbors, or other people you interact with regularly, Grant says.

We can try to convince ourselves that since it’s not a completely negative relationship, we can – and should – just put up with this person. But Grant doesn’t think so, and points to several studies indicating that ambivalent relationships are bad for our physical and mental health .

How to set boundaries with your sworn enemies

Instead of subjecting your body and mind to the stress of having a nemesis or other ambivalent relationships, here are a few ways to set boundaries with a person:

Be honest and direct, but kind

If it’s a person you can end your relationship with—like a nemesis rather than a parent —Grant says it’s best not to ghost him or say things like, “This relationship is bad for me.” Explaining, essentially, comes down to telling them that they are bad people.

“The goal is to be as candid as possible in what you say and as caring as possible in how you say it,” he notes, suggesting something more subtle, such as “Mixing good and what is bad here is harmful to us.” “.

Opt for “I”-statements

Instead of pointing out everything the other person is doing wrong, justify your position using “I” statements. This means that you must explain your concerns, needs, and feelings without blaming your nemesis.

Think in terms of the value of your time

Time is a precious and limited resource, so why give it to someone who tires you out? Nedra Glover Tavwab , licensed therapist and author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace , says that instead of exposing yourself to potentially toxic experiences, it’s important to feel comfortable saying “no” to other people. “The boundaries of how you spend your time and let others use it are very important,” Tawwab said in an interview with CNBC .