Remember, Your Teen Is Not Your “project”
All parents (or at least all decent parents) want the best for their children. They want them to do well in school in order to succeed in life. They want to raise kids who are honest, decent people and a strong work ethic. And because we know that both nature and nurture play a role in how our children ultimately “grow up,” we are always on the lookout for problems at home or in school that we need to address. But sometimes we are so focused on “solving” a pressing problem that we lose sight of our real role in the broader picture of their lives.
The recent advice column in The Washington Post serves as a good reminder of this to all of us. One parent wrote to columnist Megan Leahy to ask what they should do with their 15-year-old son, who for years has shown no interest in doing work for any classes (or teachers) he deemed “stupid” – and then his parents lied about it. This parent has tried everything to cope with these behaviors – therapy, abandoning the Xbox, creating a reward system, giving it up, participating, hovering, crying, screaming – and yet their son still misses out on a couple of lessons.
After Leahy empathizes a little with her son (she says she checked out most of high school too), she notes that the parent pays too much attention to the “what” and not enough on the “why.”
Let’s pause all the behavior change shenanigans. Let’s put the fear of all this failure and what that means for his future on hold. Let’s pause pushing him into therapy or tutoring. Let’s. Just. Stop. Repeat after me: “My son is not a project. He is a completely human young man and needs my support and love. ” Do this over and over, and then start showing curiosity. Invite him to dine with you, go camping with you, explore a video game with you, whatever, and try to get to know him without any plans. Every class he fails can be refilled. Anything he hasn’t learned can eventually be learned, and I want you to tell him that.
Leahy’s words amazed me because it’s so easy for parents to fall into the trap of desperate need to fix every last aspect of their child’s behavior, school ethics, or relationships. It may seem like we have 18 years to dazzle them exactly as we want them to be, and we forget that, at least in part, they were already born as they are. The natural component has always been there, and the concern for parenting is not so much about inserting a square peg into a round hole, but rather creating strong bonds with them.
As one clinical psychologist told Your Teen Magazine :
“When kids hit adolescence, parents often feel like they’re saying the wrong thing or their teens are rebellious, so they retreat or over-control themselves — none of this works,” says Dr. Laura Markham, clinical psychologist and author of the book. Peaceful parents. ” , Happy kids . “What works is realizing that teens still need your guidance, but you cannot control them. The only way to make any impact is through a relationship with a teenager. “
We earn lasting influence on our children not by demanding it, but by being a supportive and loving force in their lives. Everything they struggle with, what they do or don’t do, is not necessarily a direct result of our upbringing; it is not a mistake we made or a programming error that we need to fix. Of course, we need rules, boundaries, consequences and all that, but basically, as Leahy says, our children just need us to be less judgmental and more “curious” about their lives.