How to Know If You Are the Toxic Person in Your Relationship

When you’re unhappy with your relationship, it’s easy to point the finger at your partner and accuse them of being toxic. But what if you are the one who is toxic?

While no one is perfect, the truth is that everyone can display toxic behaviors and patterns without realizing it. That’s why self-reflection moments are so important – it’s an opportunity to check what you’re doing in your day-to-day relationships and think about why you’re doing it. So what is a toxic person? And what does that even mean in the context of a committed relationship?

What does it mean to be toxic in a relationship?

“Toxic is a pretty strong word, and in some cases the reality can be more subtle or grey,” says Alex Dimitriou , MD, who is dual board certified in psychiatry and sleep medicine. “However, it serves as a powerful reminder of what can go wrong and what to watch out for. ‘Manipulative’, ‘selfish’, ‘narcissistic’ and ‘lack of empathy’ are other words that could describe the experience.”

Of course, no one is trying to be the toxic person in their relationship, and many won’t even be able to admit it. But if that word truly describes you, the sooner you accept this reality, the sooner you can change your behavior and hopefully heal. With some self-reflection and support, it’s possible to cut down on your negative behaviors and become a healthier person who can contribute to a healthy relationship, so let’s look at the potential signs that you’re a toxic partner and what to do about them.

Signs that you are a toxic person in a relationship

You are always condescending and hypercritical. Do you always find fault with your partner? Do you always criticize them no matter what they do, from the way they drive to the way they do the dishes? You may think that your comments are well-intentioned. You may think that you are actually helping your partner change their lifestyle. But constantly finding flaws and talking condescendingly with your partner will make him feel worse around you, not better, and this is toxic.

You manipulate and control. This is your path or highway. You insist on making most, if not all, important decisions for you and your partner. You very rarely compromise, and if your partner resists your idea, you usually get angry or pout about it. You may even hide information from your partner or lie to them to get your way. Relationships are based on compromise and trust, and by being demanding and manipulative, you undermine the foundations of a healthy dynamic.

You are a narcissist. According to Dimitriou, a narcissistic person thinks, talks and praises himself too much. “They love labels, achievements and titles; roles over substances,” he says. If you take pride in how much money you make and focus on buying expensive things so you can feel good about yourself rather than investing in the emotional well-being of your relationship, you may be a narcissist. Also, if you see your partner as a means to get what you want or to look your best instead of respecting them as an individual, you are engaging in narcissistic behavior.

You lack empathy for your partner. Empathy is the ability to be sensitive to someone else’s feelings and experiences and change one’s behavior accordingly. If you are the type who can hurt your partner without the slightest care or remorse, or find a way to blame them for your actions, then you are toxic. Understanding and respecting your partner’s feelings is an integral part of a successful relationship, and if you refuse to empathize with their point of view, you are toxic.

What to do if you are toxic in a relationship

“The first step is to admit there is a problem,” says Dimitriou. “Introspection, [and] communication with close friends and family. this is the beginning. Journaling and therapy can also help. Also, look at how specific or all-encompassing the pattern is. Is it with just one person or everywhere [in your life]?” He also suggests testing your biology: “Make sure you get enough sleep, that your anxiety is manageable, and that you have a healthy work-life balance. First, you should put on an oxygen mask and make sure your basic animal needs are met. After all this, consider therapy.”

The only way to stop being a toxic person, says Dimitriou, is to do something about it. “As the Depeche Mode song says, ‘Don’t stand and scream. Do something about it,” he says. “Don’t be fooled by superficial efforts that tick off. Make sure you really become a better version of yourself than you were yesterday. Otherwise, it’s just a show.”