Dealing With Injury-Based “Hyper-Independence”
The process of recovering from trauma—whether it is rooted in your childhood or developed after an acute traumatic event such as a car accident—is complex and difficult. And especially when your injury has been inflicted by the hands (metaphorically or otherwise) of the people who should be taking care of you, it can be a natural defense mechanism that others cannot be relied upon. This reaction to trauma can lead to the development of hyperindependence , i.e. an attempt to be independent in all aspects of life, even if it is harmful. Here’s how to tell if you’re hyper-independent and how to rethink your attitude about accepting help from others.
Where Trauma-Based Hyper-Independence Comes From
When you’re recovering from an injury, “it may seem safest to be on your own and go it alone,” says Melissa Goldberg-Mintz, child psychologist and author of Has Your Child Been Injured. ? If a person grows up knowing that they cannot trust the people who are supposed to take care of them, developing extreme independence may seem like the best form of protection.
But even if it seems like a logical response to trauma, this form of pathological self-confidence can cause more problems over time. “It’s a survival technique,” says Kyle Kunkel, a licensed professional consultant for Thriveworks. “It works, but it’s unreliable.” As Kunkel points out, the development of super-independence as a result of trauma often means that the person has not been able to develop skills such as conflict resolution or effective communication.
Signs of hyperindependence
As Goldberg-Mintz points out, there will always be people who are naturally more independent or crave less social interaction. “If it works for them, that’s fine,” she says. Hyper-independence starts to become a problem if the person wants or needs the help of others but is afraid to ask, or if they start taking on too much work, to the point of burnout , because they don’t feel they can be relied upon. other.
As Kunkel points out, signs of over-independence include hesitancy to ask for help, unwillingness to open up to others, a habit of taking on too much work to the point where it begins to take a toll on their health; and a tendency to push others away. As she points out, these actions tend to be rooted in fear, usually because the person has realized they can’t rely on those around them.
When hyperindependence is rooted in trauma, it can affect many aspects of a person’s life, from work to interpersonal relationships. This may include having a partner who needs more emotional support than the person is willing to give; struggles to open up to friends and rely on them; or an inability to support a struggling employee.
What to do if you are struggling with hyperindependence
If your overindependence is having a negative impact on your life, the first (and often the hardest) part is admitting that there is a problem and that something needs to change. “Self-awareness is our biggest skill,” says Kunkel. One of the first steps is to seek help, which often includes therapy, whether it be one-to-one work with a therapist or enrolling in group therapy.
When hyperindependence causes tension in a relationship, such as when a partner needs more emotional support than the person feels comfortable with, Goldberg-Mintz recommends trying to rethink their thinking and try to understand their emotional state and their needs. “It’s about trying to find out what’s going on in their head,” says Goldberg-Minz.
Kunkel’s experience as a therapist shows that it’s important to recognize when feelings of insecurity and fear begin to influence your actions and develop methods to overcome them, which we hope will include identifying those people in your life who can offer an advanced degree. . support and find ways to reach out to them for help.