How to Achieve a “sexual State of Union” (but Don’t Call It That)
In a recent article in the New York Times , sexologist Emily Morse recommends that couples schedule regular “sexual state of union” discussions—frank, open conversations about how their sex life is going and what they can do to make it more fulfilling. Almost everyone agrees that communication is vital to satisfying sexual moments, but Morse explains how to communicate about sex in a relationship. Her just-published book , Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sexual IQ and Enjoy Yourself , goes deep, even to the point of providing scripts for awkward conversations.
While I agree in principle, some of Morse’s specific instructions strike me as… odd. Her advice is sure to be helpful to some couples (or bands or bands, we don’t judge), and her half-million Instagram followers say her work resonates with a lot of people. But still, if my wife took Emily Morse’s advice and pulled out a script for our next “sexual union state,” it would make me wonder what I was even doing in my marriage.
What is a “sexual state of union”?
On his Sex with Emily website (and in his book), Morse describes the ideal sexual state of union as a monthly conversation to “discuss new things you’d like to try, explore each other’s desires and fantasies, and find ways you can be best lovers for each other.” In general, this is an open-minded conversation about sex. So far, so good.
How to have a successful sex conversation
I’m not going to continue to describe the conversations about sex within a romantic relationship as a “sexual state of union.” It’s a catchy phrase, but a terrible metaphor. The State of the Union is the President’s official address to Congress. This is one-sided speech, when a person speaks in a group of people, and not a dialogue between equals. (Careless verbiage completely kills my desire.)
Bad metaphors aside, Morse recommends the following tips for a successful sex conversation:
keep it short
Limiting the conversation to about 10 minutes reduces the burden on everyone. You don’t want to spend half the day talking about your sex life – after all, we’re all busy. In Morse’s words, “you plant the seeds of a future sex life” rather than doing it all at once.
Separate the conversation from your real sex life
Planning for a sexy bedroom check-in on Friday after a date is probably not the best idea. Such conversations are meant to normalize conversations about sex, which is why Morse recommends an uncharged, expectancy-free setting, so instead of doing it in a sadomasochistic basement room, take a walk together.
Expect Awkwardness
Society has damaged us all when it comes to sexuality, so talking about it openly, even with a longtime partner, can be uncomfortable. “If it feels unsexy because you’re both nervous, that’s fine,” Morse said in an interview with The New York Times . “This is not an exercise for foreplay.
Don’t wait for problems in your sex life
Talking about sex on a regular basis is not designed to solve a specific problem in your bedroom. It is not intended to express hurt or criticism, or for sexual therapy. This should be a way to normalize the process of talking about sex. I hope that after both partners get comfortable in communication, better sex will follow.
Keep up the conversation regularly
Morse’s goal is to make sex “something you talk about in your relationship with the same level of comfort, normality, and intent as planning a vacation or where to go to have a fun evening.” To achieve this, says Morse, couples should talk about sex once a month.
This is where Morse and I begin to part ways (although by all means, if her tough recommendations make sense to you, try them).
“I’ll sign you in to talk about sex on the ninth at 13:45.”
I’m not sure if Morse’s ideal of talking about sex once a month is too frequent or not frequent enough, but that’s not my problem. This is the schedule. That, and her penchant for weird corporate verbiage that makes the whole thing sound like the opposite of a good time.
I fully understand that some people can be so out of touch with their human desires and so alienated from their partner that they need a comfortable Outlook meeting (with a reminder, an agenda, and even a script) to talk about how to get down, but I I don’t think most people want to talk about their sex life like a quarterly financial meeting. At least I hope not.
The corporatization of sexuality in Morse’s philosophy goes deeper than mere planning. This is how she describes a hypothetical sexual conversation :
“At this point, you can say to your partner, ‘Look, I know this is new to us, but I want us to have a growth mindset about our sexual connection.’
As Lifehacker associate editor and sexy bon vivant Joel Cunningham said on our Slack, “If I need a slide presentation to talk to my partner, it’s time to open up a relationship.”
While I agree that many people do not speak effectively about sex, even if it helps their relationship, ultimately, sexuality is deeply personal and cannot be reduced to a number of simple points. Some couples talk so much about sex that it seems boring. Some couples never discuss it, but they have such a fulfilling sex life that there is nothing to talk about. Ultimately, each couple’s style and needs are unique and in some way a secret kept between them (unless they decide to look someone inside). As well-intentioned as sex advice may be, it will never apply to everyone.