How to Peacefully Resolve a Dispute With a Neighbor

They say “fences are good neighbors,” but if my TikTok feed is to be believed, it’s a lot of bullying: all the purple mountain majesties and disputes over property lines. It’s not just #fencetok. According to a 2016 study , a whopping 42% of Americans report conflict with their neighbor, and these generally fall into four categories: noise, pets, untidy property, and property boundaries — and nearly half of those complaints are noise-related. Although the study has not been updated, I suspect that eight years later, after two very controversial elections and a pandemic, we are more committed to individualism than ever.

Neighborhoods have changed since the “perfect” white picket of the 50s, when everyone knew each other (neighbors may have known each other better, but the red line and class were definitely part of the equation). Where once neighborhoods were mostly “forever home” owners, now our neighborhoods are a mix of owners who sell for five years, tenants, and short-term rentals like Airbnb. The shorter the stay, the less likely the neighbors are to develop a long-term relationship.

The structural parts of the districts that once kept us in contact – the only district market, the park, the school – have expanded to fit our population. Most places do not have a “one” market and there are many parks and schools. Houses are now inhabited not only by traditional families, but also by childless families and single people. Gentrification has also resulted in neighborhoods with a mixed financial population, with communities being pushed out of neighborhoods where they have historical priority, so older, smaller homes sit side by side with larger, more expensive ones. It also means that you are more likely to sit next to neighbors who may not share your socio-political views.

Finally, it should be noted that in 2023 we are bombarded with stories of people shooting people for ringing the doorbell or accidentally getting into the wrong car. This may be enough to convince you not to fight if you were inclined otherwise.

Collectively, there are many reasons why people talk less to their neighbors, whether it’s simply lack of time, emotional availability, transience, fear of reprisal, or perceived differences.

Benefits of Neighborhood

When an emergency occurs, the people around you are your first responders. Neighbors are a safety net that we don’t often think about. If you’ve ever experienced a house fire, you know that neighbors are the first to arrive on the scene. But that’s not all: your financial future is shared with your neighbors through real estate values. The value of property is determined by how the area is managed and how people maintain their property.

We also live in a time when adults are struggling to make more friends and connections in real life, and a whole pool of opportunities exists right outside your door. This means that your neighbors have intrinsic value, and they have more potential for you than just “the people you live next to.” Open communication is also the most likely way to avoid future conflicts.

How to resolve disputes with neighbors before they escalate

Being proactive is better than being reactive, so dealing with your neighbor is the best way to prevent disputes before they happen, simply by taking the opportunity to introduce yourself when you or they move in.

“One of the often overlooked strategies is to get to know your neighbor if you are not already on good terms. Even if there is a problem, try to get to know your neighbor before filing a complaint. Introduce yourself. Talk about general topics of interest,” suggests the Maryland People’s Law Library .

If face-to-face communication is a concern, consider a traditional “Welcome to the Neighborhood” basket, a plate of cookies, or even just a note or card in which you introduce yourself and offer your phone number. Your neighbor will likely at least send you a thank you message, which will open up lines of communication for the future. In my area, we have a sheet of blueprints for our houses, with our names and phone numbers on it, and we give it to everyone who enters the block and introduces themselves.

Elaine Swann, author of Let the Crazies Go Crazy , points out that you should always wait until you’ve calmed down before assessing how serious the problem really is and how you want to solve it, if at all. Swann notes, “When we react, especially in the heat of the moment, we tend to do the wrong thing and maybe even say the wrong thing.”

In addition, it is worth asking why it bothers you and at what cost. Living in communities means living among other people, and there are trade-offs. Construction noise can be annoying, but you’ll probably need it someday. Barking dogs can be destructive, but if they don’t interfere with your work or sleep, should you complain about it or look for another solution? What would be the desired result anyway? Are they getting rid of the dog? Stop construction? How justified is the result?

And gossip is a bad idea, according to Swann: “When we get others involved and get their opinion on a situation, they can really turn us on and kindle the fire,” she explains.

Finally, Swann advises focusing on no more than three issues at a time so as not to overwhelm your neighbor.

How Nonviolent Communication Techniques Can Help Resolve Disputes Between Neighbors

No one is going to call me to testify as an expert on neighborhood disputes, but for the last thirty years I have been a neighbor in cities across the country. I wasn’t always the perfect neighbor and I didn’t like all my neighbors, but neither they nor I ever had a decent TikTok hit. The reason, I believe, is to learn how to practice nonviolent communication to help you negotiate with neighbors, colleagues, and any other relationship in your life.

Nonviolent communication focuses on listening rather than talking and trying to understand each other’s needs, which can put an emphasis on fairness rather than equality. Although our social structures have instilled in us the idea of ​​compromise, in which “no one leaves happy”, it does not take into account individual needs. The example I was taught from is the idea that if you have a group of thirty workers in a building and twenty-nine of them want to build a new bathroom on the second floor and only one wants to do it on the first floor, you can say : what the majority rules, otherwise they can compromise and remove it from the stairwell between floors. But once you know that the thirtieth person uses a wheelchair and needs access that is not available in the stairwell and on the second floor, it becomes clear how these needs are more important than the other twenty-nine people. Needs prevail over desires.

It’s easy to get mad at a neighbor who has a dog that barks all day, and of course they shouldn’t have taken a dog that no one cares about, but if you find out that someone they were promised to might be remotely called back to the office and he really struggles to figure it out, it might change your point of view and bring more empathy. Understanding the needs also means you can work on developing a solution. The solution is to find a way to calm the dog down during the day, so maybe both of you can work on it together. Although the dog is not your responsibility, someday you may need the same generosity and compassion in return that you can offer now.

When it’s time to escalate your argument

Genius won’t solve all problems, and sometimes these insults escalate into real security or property value issues. While escalating your dispute most likely won’t make friends, it can solve your problem by bringing in third parties who can look at things objectively.

Noise, untidy property, and pet concerns should be addressed first with a homeowners association or apartment owners association, according to Lewis Farmer, a real estate attorney in Portland, Oregon. your municipality. In both of these cases, the decision to enforce these requirements will be up to the HOA or the city, which can be disappointing. “If that doesn’t work out,” says Farmer, “you’re probably considering a nuisance claim that you’d like to talk to a top real estate lawyer about. A nuisance claim depends on the facts, and a lawyer will help decide whether to pursue the cause.”

“Trouble” can also be a high bar. Farmer noted that in the state of Oregon, where he practices, “A case of harm must show a significant interference with one’s enjoyment of silence, the extent of the harm, and the reasonableness of the use. It’s usually hard stuff.”

The ownership line disputes, while complex, seemed easier to resolve. Homeowners should conduct a survey that will show the boundaries of the property and make sure their deeds also reflect those boundaries. Lewis noted an important step: making sure banks holding mortgages must sign any changes to paperwork relating to these property lines.

“I had a case where two neighbors settled their property line dispute and actually moved their property line, but when one of them moved to South America and his property was foreclosed, it became clear that his bank had never signed and tried to foreclose. on a plot of land that no longer belonged to the mortgagee, but to a neighbor. Since the bank never signed the contract, it still had the right to exchange the land on the original mortgage. The decision took a long time.”

In case of any doubt, Lewis advised to seek qualified counsel for advice and guidance.

The good news is that 82% of disputes between neighbors end in a satisfactory resolution . While the process can be painful, whether it is achieved through calmness and patience in resolving the dispute through communication or the possible involvement of officials or courts, there is every reason to hope for a positive outcome. For a while you will have to live next to neighbors, so the most ideal solution is to figure out how to coexist.