Try the Memory Binding Method to Calm Your Child (and Yourself)

If you or your child has experienced anxiety, anger, or other dysregulation, you may be familiar with “grounding techniques,” mindfulness exercises that help calm the nervous system. You can name objects, check your physical condition, or use physical “tricks” such as the ” butterfly hug ” or use ice to help hack your body from the outside. Another grounding technique is called “anchoring” and is a personalized way to unlock your calming skills. One method of anchoring that has proven to be effective involves using your own memories to help you come to your senses, calm down, and feel better.

How to fix memory

During a panic or anxiety attack, you may feel disconnected from your true self, insecure, and, frankly, unhappy. Using memories from your own life can help you let go of these negative feelings. “The most powerful anchor is the anchor of memory,” says Dinah Abraham , teacher, parenting expert, and author of three books, including Superkids Activity Guide to Conquering Everyday , Sensory Processing 101 , and the upcoming Calming Chaos: A Reliable Roadmap for education.” “Even the most difficult children” based on the popular seminar of the same name . “Because memories are so personal and awaken all the senses, they are the fastest way to calm the nervous system,” she says.

When used as a soothing technique, “Having a memory of grounding counteracts these other trigger thoughts that may race through your mind when you feel unheard, unimportant, or in danger because of your child’s behavior,” says Abraham. The trick is, like in Peter Pan , think positive. Just thinking about a time when you were happy can do it for you, but Abraham says you should aim for a memory that includes sights, smells, sensations, and multiple feelings, or “something that makes you smile or breathe a sigh of relief just thinking about it.” moment in time” – and you can easily imagine this when you close your eyes.

Don’t wait until you get frustrated to try and turn on the memory anchor. Practice in moments of calm when you go about your daily activities. If you feel like you’re forgetting to practice or think you don’t have time, Abraham has a unique solution: practice this method while you pee. Everyone has to go to the toilet several times a day, and during this time you have nothing else to do. Then, in a tense moment, “your brain immediately goes into action: stop, breathe, anchor.” You’ve mastered your grounding technique the way an actor practices his lines, and you’re ready for the “performance” when the time comes.

How to use the method for parents

It is important to master this skill well in order to keep cool during breakdowns or tantrums and avoid emotional influx on children, freeing yourself for parents. Sometimes our children can be disappointing, and in a difficult moment, for example, in a tantrum, it is difficult to establish a loving connection with them.

To use the self-attachment method, select a memory of yourself and your child. “It’s usually a memory of you and your child during a happy moment connected to each other, which reminds you and your brain that you both love each other and are in fact connected, even if at the moment it doesn’t seem so. “, says Abraham. Using a child-centered memory “allows you to enter the situation with more empathy, compassion and patience, because you are based on this inner knowing that your child needs your help, and is not trying to get you” .

Here are some of her tips for good anchors:

• The first time you took your baby in your arms.
• The first time your child hugged you.
• Hold hands with a child in peacetime.
• When your child won the school art fair.
• Your children play together without quarreling.

How to teach a child to use memory

It is important to first use this technique on your own before trying to teach your child. “By modeling these anchors and modeling the calmness that can come from using them, we make it much easier for our children to feel the security they need to start calming themselves down,” says Abraham. She advises saying the anchor out loud as you use it, such as “I was thinking of hugging you before bed when you were a child.” Creating a safe and calm base in yourself contributes to establishing a positive relationship with the child, even if he is unstable.

This is a complex strategy. “Children’s brains are still developing and gaining access to these skills takes time and practice,” says Abraham. However, in practice, she has seen children use it not only with their parents, but also with siblings and at school.

Teach this method to your child in calm, happy moments, such as when he is in the bath, in the car, or while playing. Raise it in joint form. You could try saying, “I would love to try this new tool I learned that can help both of us stop screaming. You are interested?”

Ask them to answer questions such as, “How do you know you need to calm down?” “What does your body do to tell you that you are upset?” “When will you learn to use your instrument?” Then ask your child to draw what comes to mind for each step. “Stop, breathe, settle in,” says Abraham.

Invite them to brainstorm some of the memories that bring them joy. Practice many times in calm moments, not during tantrums. Only when they have mastered the technique in a calm state can they use it when they are upset.

If it still doesn’t work, go back to modeling. “If your child resists, don’t lose hope,” says Abraham. “It simply means that using this tool will be your best course of action at the moment while you create security and belonging. Over time, your child will begin to notice how calm mom or dad is and how well this tool works.” Soon they may want to try again for themselves.