How to Become a Co-Parent With a Narcissist
If your parenting partner is adamant, can’t stick to an agreement, is manipulative, or even worse, puts your child at the center of a disagreement between the two of you, these are signs that he may be a narcissist. Their lack of empathy, constant patronizing, and rigid thoughts and behaviors are nearly impossible to deal with. It can also affect your child’s behavior and your relationship with him.
How can you deal with this stressful situation? Here are some ways to deal with the frustration of co-parenting with a narcissist.
Don’t try to change the other parent’s behavior
Narcissists don’t know how harmful their behavior is and can’t stand criticism. This makes any attempt to change their problematic behavior frustrating. “Accepting the situation instead of trying to change a narcissistic parent is the key to not wasting your energy and setting yourself up for disappointment,” licensed marriage and family therapist Stephanie McAdaan told Parents magazine .
Hold your ground
When dealing with a narcissist, they will use every tactic at their disposal, including gaslighting, to hurt or disrespect you. WebMD says they talk more about them than about you.
“When dealing with a narcissist, you have to be assertive about your limits and make it clear to them what it is,” said therapist Bisma Anwar on the Talkspace blog Ask The Therapist . “For example, if you don’t agree with something they want you to do, tell them ahead of time and stand your ground. In any case, don’t let them force you to do it.”
Don’t take things personally
Easier said than done, but if your narcissistic partner is trying to get you to react, keep your feelings under control. As social worker John Carnesecchi explained at PsychCentral, it’s vital to “keep the relationship as a business relationship and only speak ‘factually’ without voicing your emotional feelings or sharing personal and private information.”
Have a legal structure
Establishing legal boundaries with your parenting partner ensures that what you want for your children, such as medical care, vacations, finances, and other matters, is legally supported. In addition to a lawyer drafting a plan, you can ask the court to appoint someone to determine the best course of action or work with a mediator to communicate with your other parent.
“You want to make sure you have proof of every conversation or transaction you have when it comes to your children,” neuropsychologist Alexander Bergemeister told PsychCentral.
Don’t get caught up in any drama
It’s hard to win an argument with a narcissist, which is why WebMD recommends the “grey stone method”: avoid unnecessary arguments by giving clear, dispassionate short answers, avoiding having to explain yourself, and not divulging too much information.
Get the support you need
In any stressful situation, a network of friends can help you get through the tough times. There are also online groups and message boards with people who are going through the same thing as you. And talking to a licensed professional can help you get through those tough times, or a family therapist can help you and your child get back to your new normal.
Make your home a peaceful place
You cannot control your parents, but you can help your child feel safe and secure in their own home. Carnesecchi says one parent can work hard to create a safe and loving home based on your example. “Being in your care,” continues Carnesecchi, “allow for open communication, build their confidence and self-esteem, and teach them coping skills.”
Try Parallel Parenting
When dealing with a narcissistic parent, you may need to develop a plan that minimizes contact between you and your parent. This is called “parallel parenting” and can be helpful if your partner has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) . As Jenn Blackstone, a certified divorce and foster care mediator, explained to Parents , this could be a way to move forward.
“Parents share responsibilities, such as arranging pickup and drop off at school so they don’t have to interact, and taking turns attending children’s extracurricular activities,” she said. “They can use a co-parenting app that includes messaging and a calendar that records communication and allows them to notify each other of their schedules without discussion.”