How to Start a Quarantined Relationship?
Not all advice needs to be professional. Sometimes your problems deserve honest honesty on the part of a dude who has nothing but a computer and a conscience. Lucky for you, I’m that guy. Welcome back to Tough Love.
This week, we’ll take a look at how to tackle the most modern problem of blooming love during a pandemic between two people who haven’t met in person.
Note: I am a reviewer, not a therapist or certified healthcare professional. My advice is to be interpreted as such. If you have any problems, please submit a complaint here. Now let’s get started.
Hi Sam,
I met the guy on a dating app in October when the pandemic began to intensify again. On top of that, he temporarily lives in another city and is not yet ready to move or come.
Since we coincided, we’ve texted every day and went on a few FaceTime dates. We had some really vulnerable conversations about our past, but not about our feelings for each other. I’m about 99 percent sure that I would like to date this man in real life as soon as possible, but I’m afraid I’m preparing for a disaster. I would never ask him to make a commitment if we hadn’t even met, but after a few months I can’t tell if he considers me to be anything more than flirty friends. It worries me that when the pandemic is over, we either won’t look for the same, or he won’t like me. Is there anything I can do to protect myself from this inevitable grief, let alone just forget about it?
TL; DR, what should I do with my virtual pandemic ship now that it looks like we’ll both be safe by summer?
Thank you,
Disappointed in quarantine
Dear, disappointed in the quarantine,
The problem you face has always been a part of online dating, but it is also unique to this terrible year of the plague that we have all lived through. Even before the pandemic, your main problem was annoyingly common: how and when do you know when to turn a friendship or passion into a fulfilling relationship? No two situations coincide, but two common questions pervade them all: “What are we” and “Do we want the same from this relationship?”
So, while the pandemic prevented you from meeting the IRL, you are not in completely uncharted territory here. In my opinion, the only way out of this maddening gray zone is to have a hard talk with this dude. What you have outlined assumes you have laid the foundation for a healthy, supportive relationship. You have had frank and vulnerable conversations about your past. You went on “FaceTime dates,” which at least suggests some kind of romantic intentions in your virtual get-togethers. (After all, you actually met on a dating app.)
However, you have a right to know what he thinks about the relationship you struck up over the past five months. Where does he see this potentially? You spent the better part of half a year dating this guy, which created a certain sense of insecurity considering the direction of your relationship was overlooked.
The thought of asking him these questions is definitely unpleasant. But perhaps he feels just as timid, and the huge unspoken elephant in the room can disappear in a matter of seconds, as soon as he shows that he, too, would like to try something in person. However, you will have to be clear and direct as it seems, at least for the moment, that you are the only one seriously considering the future of this relationship. Straightness pays off. It is also possible that this conversation will be difficult, so be prepared. You can ask him a few general questions (of course, with your personal preference):
- We’ve spent a lot of time talking throughout the pandemic and I’m just curious if you think this is something we could do personally if it’s safe to do so?
- I have feelings for you, and I would like to try it in person to see where it leads. What do you think?
Note that you are not asking him to do anything. You’re just asking if he’d try it if the two of you weren’t divided by cyberspace. This is an emotionally honest, mature, adult way of doing it. There comes a time when you need to stop lying.
Another thing you need to be prepared for is that he may be relying on you for emotional support during this difficult time and doesn’t really want anything to grow in your relationship. Sometimes people just need a friend to text, call, or chat with when they feel lonely. And it can be completely manipulative and selfish when one party wants something other than FaceTime calls and the other doesn’t. This happened to me with a couple of women that I met many years ago. It wasn’t very good, but eventually I figured it out and stopped playing the game.
Bottom line: he owes you an answer. But you have to be direct and honest when you ask him to do this, and you can do it in such a way that he doesn’t come back to town just for you.
That’s all for this week, but there is still a lot to do. If you would like to be mentioned, please contact me with a description of your dilemmas in an email to my address ( please include “TIP” or “HARD LOVE” in the subject line ). Or tweet me with the hashtag #ToughLove . Serious inquiries only: do not write or email me if you do not want your name to appear in this column. Disclaimer : I can’t answer everyone, so be sure to include the specific issue in your note. I will not respond to generalizations such as “rude” or vague descriptions of “relationship problems” without specific examples of what is bothering you. Take care of yourself until next time!