Why All Your Love Is Unrequited (and What to Do About It)
Poets have written about it. Singers sing about it. Even Kate Winslet reflects on this in 2006’s Vacation: “And there’s another kind of love: the most violent,” she says. “The one that almost kills its victims. It’s called unrequited love.” According to Tal Yardeni , a breakup and dating recovery coach, unrequited love can come in many forms.
“It can be a one-sided relationship, where usually one person is the stalker, and the one who is being stalked does not have the same feelings for the stalker,” she says. ” It also shows up as situational , which is one of the most painful types of relationships as there is no room for the relationship to develop further.” It can also manifest as a crush that’s not going anywhere, or as a torch for an old crush that’s gone.
And while one-sided relationships or infatuation are common, it’s worth looking into if all your relationships tend to be unrequited. Since everyone deserves mutual love, Yardeni shares why you tend to fall in love with one-sided relationships and how you can best break the habit once and for all.
What are the reasons for unrequited love
We might like “Will they or won’t they?” push and pull in romantic comedies or our favorite love songs, but Yardeni says storytelling definitely confuses us when it comes to understanding what healthy love looks like.
“There is this idea that a person has to be fought for or fought for,” she says. “We will be the ones to change this man. And if that person doesn’t change for me, then I’m not good enough.”
Lack of a sense of “good enough” is also linked to our childhood habits and wounds, which Yardeni says also play a role in our dating lives. “It’s really an appeal to childhood wounds that usually lead to feelings of unworthiness,” she explains. “So what happens is because your nervous system is used to such a tumultuous relationship, there’s a sort of comfort in being familiar, even if it’s painful.” For example, Yardeni says that if you grew up in a home where you felt you had to perform to get attention, this could manifest itself in getting good grades, striving to be the best, so that your parents would recognize you, “whereas as an adult you will look for it in their romantic relationships. You will almost make it your mission to be their desire. And unfortunately, they will let you down, which will make you feel that you are not good enough and you should be a problem, instead of seeing this as a person’s inability to show themselves in the way that you deserve.
Signs that you have an unrequited love pattern
According to Tardeni, there are a number of signs that you have a pattern of unrequited love, including:
- You tend to fall in love with people who are emotionally unavailable and therefore unable to meet your needs. “They always turn off to have a good time, but as soon as you get a little vulnerable, you open up, maybe you are looking for support, they close or disappear,” says Yardeni. “They’re not equipped to deal with other people’s emotions.”
- You are the one who puts in the most effort. “You are too accessible, everything is planned according to their schedule and their conflicts, and you are happy to accommodate.”
- You feel like you have to fight for love. “The further they get away, the more you try to make yourself more accessible, which keeps pushing them away,” says Yardeni.
What to do if you have a picture of unrequited love
Letting go of unrequited love is easier said than done. However, Yardeni recommends a useful strategy: being curious when dating. “The other person is giving you information right and left, but what happens is that we see what is in front of us and start justifying it in our heads,” she explains. “We might think, ‘That’s not so bad,’ or ‘They will change,’ or ‘I’ll be the one to change them.’ The only thing I always say is that we are not in the business of persuasion. If someone shows you ambivalent behavior, you never know where you are and just don’t treat you the way you would like, in the words of Arianna Grande, “thank you, next.”