A Child Culture Guide for Disconnected Adults: Are Your Kids Drinking Borg?
Whether it’s rude old men preying on young women, drinking in college, or wearing stupid boots, there’s nothing new under the sun. Even kids who act like they’ve invented shit that’s thousands of years old isn’t new. You did it too. So enjoy this collection of new-old news, grandpa.
The Internet is addicting DiCaprio, but is it justified?
Since this is a cross-generational pop culture column, it would be remiss not to mention that 48-year-old actor Leonardo DiCaprio was recently photographed at a party in Los Angeles with 19-year-old model Eden Polanyi in his arms. The internet, as you might expect, reacted with opinions, memes and hot shots like this one from @RohitaKadambi : “Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend is so young her high school was interrupted by COVID-19.” And this is from me: “When Eden Poland is old enough to drink, Leonardo DiCaprio will be old enough to join the AARP.”
This widely shared photo of The Last of Us stars Pedro Pascal and Bella Ramsey, who share roughly the same age gap, really highlights just how disgusting the whole thing is. Or that? An “unnamed source” close to DiCaprio told TMZ that “Nardo isn’t dating Polanyi or anyone else and the only reason people think they’re together is a single photo. So maybe the internet is jumping to an unsubstantiated conclusion – shocking, I know – but given Leo’s historic refusal to date anyone over 25, it’s not that hard to believe.
What are borg and why do your kids drink them?
Get your couch ready for a swoon, parents, or you’ll crash right to the floor. According to breathless media reports , the rage on college campuses this semester is caused by Borg’s overeating. What is the Borg (other than Captain Picard’s worst enemy in Star Trek: The Next Generation )? It stands for ” Black Out Rage Gallon “, and according to MSNBC , it is a drink made half water, half vodka with “a caffeine flavor enhancer and a small amount of powdered electrolytes”. It’s basically a way to get drunk ! In college ! These kids don’t study and they wear skirts above the knee! Where will it end ? On a more serious note, some harm reduction experts point out that having your own borg means you can control the strength of your drink, so it’s not all bad. However: You can die shockingly easily from alcohol poisoning, and it’s not even such a good drug. But let’s not pretend to be surprised. We once made our Borg with Everclear and Kool Aid and called it Jungle Juice. Our grandparents called their Borg “rum punch”. All this is not new.
Are your kids doing knees?
Parents, make sure your monocle is securely attached to your eye or it will pop out and roll under the couch to faint. The #Kneething video has over 70 million views on TikTok. Here’s what it’s all about: sex-crazed babes kissing and kneeling on each other’s crotches while they do it! “A pleasurable partner can use their knee as a way to create pressure and sensation by rubbing into their partner’s most sensitive areas, including the genital area and inner thighs,” sex therapist Shannon Chavez Qureshi told Elite Daily . These kids don’t hold hands while drinking lemonade on the front porch, and they don’t read the rosary at Mass! Where will it end ? But seriously, this is some kind of safe sex, and not that the children invented it. We called the knee thing “dry humps” (but didn’t feel the need to say too much about it), and our Victorian great-great-grandparents called the knee thing “stroke.” All this is not new.
Do your kids wear incredibly stupid boots?
Call on your (INSERT OLD EXPRESSION OF SURPRISATION HERE) parents because today’s kids are wearing very stupid shoes! The boots in question are from pop culture provocateurs ISHF . They’re huge, red, and modeled after the shoes of the Japanese cartoon character Astro Boy , and will set you back $350. Not that you can find a match or anything like that; this is not what they sell in PayLess. According to the MSCHF, “You never design a shoe to be shaped like a foot. The big red boots are REALLY not shaped like a foot, but they are EXTREMELY like boots.” I can’t argue with that. In addition, it is obvious that they are very difficult to remove . (To be honest, I’m not sure why you wanted to take them off.) Oh, I almost forgot: we had those too. We called them “moon boots”, our great-great-great-great-grandparents in the Middle Ages called them brodekins . All this is not new.
Viral Video of the Week: Nintendo Direct 2.8.2023
Do you know what’s new? Addictive and exciting video games from Nintendo! As evidenced by the 4 million views of the Nintendo Direct promotional video , child gamers are excited about new, modern games such as Pikmin 4, Samba de Amigo: Party Central, Dead Cells: Return to Castlevania, Fantasy Life 2 and above all The Legend of Zelda : Tears of the Kingdom ! Wait – these are all sequels – additional content for existing games, some of which have been around since the mid-1980s. We ‘ve been named ! Nothing new! Time is a flat circle! We will all keep repeating the same actions over and over until we drown in our peaceful graves! (But on the plus side, a new Legend of Zelda game is coming out.)