How Stress-Resistant Is Your Relationship?
If you’ve ever broken up, you may have heard the explanation, “I have so much going on right now.” This could be followed by the phrase “It’s just not the right time for me” or the cliché “It’s not about you, it’s about me.” Balancing the demands of life can be tricky—friendships, health, finances, and work are no doubt stressful—but why do relationships seem to end easily when we’re faced with overwhelming pressure?
“Most of us don’t leave stress at the door; they tend to come home with us,” says Sarah Melancon , Ph.D., sociologist and clinical sexologist. “When under stress, it is often difficult to be present and enjoy. You may find it difficult to concentrate or maintain a normal conversation. Mood and sleep often suffer. Laughter, jokes and fun may be the furthest thoughts from you, even if they can be useful.
It makes sense, then, that everything we deal with outside of our relationship affects how we show up in it, and in turn affects the relationship.
“Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman found that in happy relationships, the ratio of positive to negative interactions is 5:1, so when we are under stress, this ratio can easily drop,” explains Melancon.
If your partner is dealing with something particularly stressful, such as a death in the family, a traumatic experience, or ongoing stress, it’s no surprise that these issues can be especially stressful for a relationship, making it just another source of stress to deal with. .
Why do relationships leave in the first place?
It depends on the person, Melanson says, and for some people, relationships can already be difficult, so when additional stressors are added, something has to give way.
“While many people see relationships as a source of support, some find that the process of seeking support only adds to the stress,” she explains. “Those who prefer to solve their problems on their own may be more likely to break up under stress.”
Relationships can seem most overwhelming when we’re under stress.
For those who crave the connection and support that relationships provide, Melancon points out that relationships require our attention in different ways.
“When we are under stress, we tend to have tunnel vision and only pay attention to what is directly in front of us,” she says. “If we are already stressed and our partner wants to talk about their busy day, for example, it can leave us overwhelmed. Even positive plans can feel like a burden when your bandwidth is low; a date night can feel like a prison sentence, with your mind racing at 100 miles an hour and you feeling like a chicken running with its head cut off.”
Who is more likely to break up during times of stress?
Melancon says there is no evidence that men are more likely than women to experience “breakup stress,” though she adds that there is evidence that men are more likely to experience “flight or fight” under stress. ”, while women are more likely to respond “take care and make friends”. In addition, she says, according to research, men tend to become more self-centered and less adaptive when under stress .
Attachment styles are another thing to consider. “People with secure or anxious attachments tend to go to their partner when they are stressed, while people with avoidant attachments tend to work things out on their own,” Melancon says. “While both men and women can have avoidant attachment, the ‘flight or fight’ tendencies in men can be combined with avoidant attachment to create stronger relationship withdrawal during times of stress.”
Find out what you (and your partner) need
While breaking up with your partner may work for some, it may not be the best thing for you in the long run and you may regret it later. Before deciding to break up, Melancon recommends understanding what is best for you and your partner to communicate what you need when you are stressed.
“Some people, especially those with avoidant attachment, usually need space,” she says. “Talking about their problems often adds to their stress, especially if they feel pressure from a partner to share.”
If you’re prone to avoidant attachment, Melancon suggests letting your partner know you appreciate his concern, but the best thing he can do is leave you alone for a while. If your partner is avoiding, hold back and let him come to you. “Doing something on your own, like cooking or preparing dinner, can help some avoiders feel cared for even if they’re taking their place,” she says.
Those with secure and anxious attachment tend to feel better talking to their partner.
“People with anxious attachments can go overboard because they tend to lack healthy emotional boundaries and struggle to be different,” Melancon explains. “It may be necessary to establish a boundary with an anxious partner.” For example, let them know that you have 20 minutes to talk about what’s bothering them before continuing with dinner.
The difference between a “stressful breakup” and a real one
If you’re considering breaking up during a time of stress, Melancon recommends asking yourself if you just need to be alone for a bit right now , or if you’re really not spending time with this person anymore. A divorce may be justified if:
- The relationship is new, and you no longer have the energy or desire to get to know them.
- Relationships are casual and stressors will continue to compromise your ability to be present.
- Your partner isn’t helping you deal with stress or is making things worse.
But Melancon also points out that relationships can help relieve stress in other areas of your life.
“Relationships provide support, both directly and indirectly,” she says. “Directly, we can feel better talking to a partner about our stresses. They can help by listening, problem solving, or support, depending on the situation. Indirectly, knowing that we have someone who cares about us can help us feel less alone.”