How to Survive a Toxic Family During the Holidays
Family is complicated, a fact that never becomes more obvious than at this time of year, a time of mandatory family gatherings and forced conversations over dinner. If the thought of dealing with an overly nosy aunt or rude cousin makes you avoid family gatherings altogether, there are ways to save the holidays that won’t make you miss meeting your loved ones altogether.
How to Set (and Maintain) Healthy Boundaries
It is extremely important to take some time before you visit your family to determine what is acceptable to you and what is not. What are you ready to accept and what are you not ready to accept? said Scott Lyons, clinical psychologist and author of Addicted to Drama . Given how chaotic family visits can be, it’s a good idea to think ahead and let family members know.
Lyons also recommends taking care of yourself, including taking regular breaks and making sure you get enough sleep. “It will take some time to get used to the rhythm of your family life,” Lyons said. “Usually we are more sensitive until we find our rhythm in relation to their rhythm.” If a family member is breaking boundaries, it’s even more important to take time for yourself so you can regroup before interacting with them again.
If your family is particularly tiring, it’s helpful to consider what your tolerance level is for how much time you can spend with them and plan your visit accordingly, either by leaving early or spending the night at a hotel or a friend’s house.
How not to go back to childhood habits
If you feel (and act) like a third grader again after visiting the house, you are not alone. It’s called a reenactment, Lyons says, and it’s a common reaction to coming home. In fact, we are so used to thinking and behaving a certain way around our family that being around them causes us to revert to our old habits and behaviors.
“If we haven’t done the hard work to break the cycles of our behavioral patterns with our family, we’re kind of stuck in a time capsule,” Lyons said. “This time capsule activates the moment we return to a familiar environment or relationship; the sound of our family member’s voice, certain behaviors or smells bring us back to similar memories.” When it comes to reverting to these old behaviors, it’s helpful to keep them in mind.
How to respond to negative comments from family members
If a family member is behaving particularly negatively, Lyons advises recognizing that it is often not about you, but rather a reflection of their own fears and insecurities.
If you find yourself in this situation, he recommends putting your own well-being first and taking care of yourself just as you would if you were physically injured. “You can say, ‘I don’t like this’ or ‘You may have good intentions, but the way you said it, I don’t like it,'” Lyons said.
How to recover from a difficult family visit
If you’ve just returned from a difficult family visit, Lyons recommends taking some decompression time: go to a workout, schedule a phone call with a friend or therapist, take the time to list the good things about the family visit, or spend some quality time with your chosen family. As Lyons points out, it’s important to recognize and accept that family visits can be difficult and that you’re doing your best to deal with a difficult situation.