How to Prevent the “human Giver Syndrome” This Holiday Season
The season of giving can be… a lot. As much as you’d like to do it all (buy all the presents, go to all the light shows, go to all the parties), if you do, you risk burnout . Also, you probably do a lot of things for others, often (but not always) if you are a woman. “The Human Giver Syndrome,” a term coined by Amelia and Emily Nagowski in their life-changing book Burnout , is a type of emotional burnout that you’re particularly prone to at this time of year. Here’s how to spot it and avoid it so you can enjoy your family and friends without tiring yourself in the process.
How does giving cause burnout?
Doing something for others is, of course, good, but constant care and dedication is a recipe for burnout. The problem is that people think that helping others is a way to break the cycle of stress. Instead of taking care of yourself, you take care of everyone else to your own detriment.
You help out at a children’s party at school. You are organizing a toy donation fair. You do Christmas shopping for your next of kin, plus you do it on behalf of your kids and, oh yes, your partner too. In an episode of The Giver Syndrome for their Feminist Survival Project podcast, Emily Nagowski says, “If we were to develop a system that would burn out half the population with emotional exhaustion, we couldn’t invent anything more effective.”
When you finish all those holiday things, your work will still be in place, the house will be a mess and, oh yes, the pandemic is still going on. Also, family stress can be higher than usual during this time of year. You probably already know what burnout is. You are setting yourself up for irritability, fatigue, and even ill health, which makes you more likely to get sick yourself.
How to avoid holiday burnout
Noticing the signs in yourself is the first way to get through the holidays and avoid burnout. The Nagowski sisters say you need to watch how you feel when you give to someone who supports you and gives in return, not just someone who, as Emily says on the podcast, “The more you give them, the more they feel.” entitled to himself.” take from you.” Obviously, kids will fall into the category of people who don’t really give back, but your adults need to give, not just take from you.
If they are not, you must either let them go or let them know in no uncertain terms that they should help or expect less. I suggest, if this person is your partner, read Fair Play: The Game-Changing Solution When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eva Rodsky. But if it’s the parent committee, your friends, your boss, or extended family member, you can do something difficult and practice saying no, I can’t do that at the moment, or even just making yourself unavailable. .
As a freelance writer, technically I could offer more volunteers during the last two weeks leading up to winter break. However, due to multiple deadlines, Christmas shopping, and my mental health needing a bit of attention at this time of year (and in general), I had to block my calendar and when they asked for more volunteers, I didn’t respond. Personally, I call it “sorting”. When there is a lot to do, I optimize my to-do list and start getting rid of things that can wait. I can volunteer again in January, but I have to work in December.
Dealing with the Human-Giver Syndrome
The last survival skill Nagowski says you need when you’re a victim of the human giver syndrome is to “celebrate the peace and joy of others.” They say that we often not only feel like we have to do everything ourselves, but also begin to feel resentment towards anyone who does not do as much as we do.
Instead of sarcastically saying “should be nice” when your friend tells you he’s skipping his family’s chaotic holiday meal in favor of a quiet night at home, thinking to yourself that you’d love to do it but you “just might” t ” and resenting them for taking the easy way, be glad for your friend that he rests when he clearly needs it. Maybe consider leaving the family reunion early to put the kids to bed before they mess up and make you regret every life decision you’ve ever made.
Instead of being jealous that your childless sister is spending the New Year at a concert, be happy for her. Try to take some of that comfort and joy for yourself, without apologizing, so that no one asks you for anything or makes you feel guilty. Sit back and watch a funny movie. Walk in the cold night air and look at the stars. Or just scream into the abyss.