How to Know If You Have a Toxic Relationship With Your Brother or Sister
In an ideal world, a brother or sister is the best friend and ally. In the real world, sibling relationships can be incredibly complex, and while there will always be imperfections, there may come a point when imperfections rise to levels that would be considered toxic.
One sign that sibling relationships are toxic is that “every time you refuse to interact with them, you end up feeling helpless,” says Imi Lo , psychotherapist, mental health consultant. and author of Emotional Sensitivity and Intensity: How to Manage Strong Emotions for the Highly Sensitive Person. – It’s not always obvious.
Toxic sibling relationships are often highly polarized.
As Lo wrote in a Psychology Today article last year, toxic sibling relationships often fall into one of three dynamics: the golden child and the black sheep, the mature adult and the eternal child, or the bully and the silenced child. Whatever role you find yourself in, the end result will not be healthy.
Being the golden child is the constant fear of failure or rejection, and being the black sheep is the burden of never being good enough. Always being mature means growing up too soon, and always being treated like a child means missing out on opportunities for growth. “Toxic relationships are often based on polarization,” Lo said.
This dynamic often begins in childhood, usually as a result of what happens at home. “These [relationships] are not necessarily the fault of the child, but [arise] because of how the parent established the relationship,” Lo said. These types of relationships are not necessarily problematic, but if they continue into adulthood at a level that causes excessive amounts of stress, they can become toxic. “Awareness [of this dynamic] and its roots is important,” Lo said. “The work is for children who are already adults to understand how it works.”
Signs that a relationship is toxic
Relationships are complex and there will always be some misunderstanding, especially when it comes to family. However, some signs that sibling relationships are toxic include a general feeling of stress or discomfort around the sibling. This may include the habit of constantly undermining or challenging your decisions, talking down to you, or generally abandoning the relationship dynamics that were established in childhood.
“Some hardships can be healthy for you,” Lo said. However, if it happens to the point where you constantly feel rejected or humiliated, this is an indication of a toxic relationship between siblings. Another red flag if you don’t feel safe being vulnerable with them.
Boundaries Are Necessary in Relationships Between Siblings
When it comes to less-than-ideal sibling relationships, it’s important to set healthy boundaries. How this will look will depend on your specific situation. If a sibling is ready and willing to work on what happened in the past and demonstrates a willingness to move on from the toxic dynamics that were set in childhood, there is an opportunity to create a new, healthier relationship. “It can be very healing,” Lo said.
If this is not the case, growth will require a different path, which requires an assessment of whether the relationship can be repaired or not, and what boundaries are needed. In these situations, therapy can help, preferably with a therapist experienced in dealing with toxic family situations. It can also help to write about how you feel or practice speaking out loud about how you feel. “Sometimes reality doesn’t change, but you can confront your feelings,” Lo said.