How “retroactive Jealousy” Can Ruin a Relationship (and What to Do About It)
In a romantic relationship, feeling jealous from time to time is normal. Chances are you’ve encountered the green-eyed monster when you felt insecure—perhaps watching a bartender flirt a little too openly with your partner, or when your spouse brings home yet another story about his adorable “job.” wife.” But what if you are jealous of your partner’s past – his former partners and their sex life before you met? This is known as retroactive jealousy, and it is no less harmful to your current relationship.
“The term ‘retroactive jealousy’ has been used to describe jealousy, resentment, or frustration with a partner’s past romantic or sexual experiences,” Sarah Melancon , a sociologist and sexologist, told Lifehacker. “This is a form of jealousy that is based not on the present, but on the partner’s real or imagined past experiences before the relationship even existed.”
Why is this happening? Melancon points out that if we have had reasons for mistrust in the past—especially if we have a history of trauma—we tend to carry those wounds with us into future relationships. “If you’ve been lied to, cheated on, or betrayed in some way, it makes sense that your insecurities might be centered on your partner’s past and fears about the present,” she said. Even if you’ve never been cheated on. if a past trauma has caused you to fear abandonment, this can cause you to over-focus on the possible reasons why your partner might leave, which can lead to you over-emphasizing your partner’s past instead of realizing that it is left in the past forever. cause.
Retroactive jealousy is just as common as “normal” jealousy, and it can drive a wedge between you and your partner, manifesting as compulsive surveillance and other destructive behaviors. Below are common signs of retroactive jealousy and how to deal with them.
Signs that you are experiencing retroactive jealousy
You constantly compare yourself to your past partners. If you’re trapped in comparison to your partner’s ex, you may be experiencing jealousy in hindsight. “You can compare on any number of traits — looks, education, work, marital status, etc.,” Melanson said. “However, no matter what you compare yourself to, you always fall short of the mark.”
You get angry or upset when you hear about positive past relationship experiences. Have you recently seen old social media photos of your partner enjoying a great vacation or adopting a pet with their ex and feeling jealous? If yes, then this is a prime example of retroactive jealousy.
“Being in an adult relationship means realizing that your partner has most likely been happy with others in the past. But retroactive jealousy can make it hard to accept that reality,” Melanson explained. “This can cause your partner to stop talking about their past, which can hurt feelings of intimacy in your relationship.”
You feel like you have to compete with your previous sexual partners. According to Melanson, sexual insecurity can be a particular problem if your partner has had sex with more people than you, had more adventurous sex than you, or has particularly attractive exes, but it can be caused even if their sex lives were comparable. with your. own.
“It can feel like pressure to engage in certain activities, have sex with a certain frequency, or have a certain appearance,” Melanson said. “It can interfere with sexual intimacy because sex can turn into a performance instead of a real connection.”
You look through their personal belongings, computer or phone. According to Melancon, your retroactive jealousy can get to the point where you feel like you should do something about it. “Often, this behavior is not conscious or calculated, but rather impulsive or reactive. Undermining your partner’s trust is a dangerous path because no matter how many times you search, it will never satisfy your fear brain and can destroy your partner’s trust in you.”
This may also include online “stalking” your partner’s ex-partners on social media to track how they interact with your partner or evaluate their impressions of their former relationship.
How to curb your retroactive jealousy
Unless there is clear evidence that your partner has been unreliable in the past, Melakon recommends giving him the benefit of the doubt when it comes to his former flame. “This applies equally to you and them, because (with practice) you can save yourself a lot of mental anguish,” she said.
Instead of boiling over perceived threats to your happiness, she suggested, turn your questions inward. Ask yourself what you want from your relationship, are you getting it, and how do you want to feel about your partner compared to how you really feel.
According to Melancon, during acute outbreaks of retroactive jealousy, you need to take care of your nervous system, which is probably out of order. Taking a hot bath or using a heating pad on your back can help relax your adrenal glands; while mind-body practices such as meditation, yoga, or tai chi can calm your thoughts. Journaling or talking with a friend, relative, or therapist can help you gain perspective. Crying or being physically active can help you blow off steam.
How to talk to your partner about retroactive jealousy
As embarrassing as it may be, Melancon recommends being honest with your partner about your feelings so that you can work through them together. “Teamwork can help you build trust and strengthen relationships, which can also help reduce your jealousy over time,” she advised.
It is equally important to take responsibility for your emotions and reactions and understand how they affect your partner. Instead of blaming your partner for being unfaithful because they liked an ex’s Instagram post, talk to them about how you feel about seeing it. Express your doubts about yourself rather than making accusations.
“Defensive behavior leads to fights, which are not necessarily bad, but can make things worse,” Melanson said. “Rather, if you share your experiences and acknowledge your problems, you can more peacefully discuss them together.”