How to Deal With Preemptive Grief
Grieving after a loss is hard and difficult, but some people may experience anticipatory grief , that is, grief that precedes the loss. Anticipatory grief can occur in situations such as the terminal illness of a friend or family member, when a loss is known to be coming but has not happened yet.
Why Preemptive Grief Can Be So Difficult
Although anticipatory grief occurs in situations where impending loss is known and anticipated, it still triggers a complex grieving process that can be no less severe than the actual loss itself. The uncertainty of being in this intermediate state, where there is still hope that the loss may not happen, or optimism about the end of the relationship, makes preemptive grief so difficult.
“While you might expect it, it still feels unexpected, no matter how much we feel we had time to prepare for it,” said Alexandra Kromer, licensed professional consultant for Thriveworks . “It’s almost like having multiple deaths or multiple periods of mourning.”
For example, if a person is caring for a parent with dementia, there is a period of grief associated with the loss of their mental abilities, followed by a period of grief associated with the loss of physical presence. “There is no such thing as simple grief,” Kromer said.
There are many emotions associated with anticipatory grief.
“In some cases, anticipatory grief can help you feel prepared,” Kromer said. In the example of a parent who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, this may be the time to talk to them about their will and preferences at the end of life. But it is still accompanied by an extremely complex set of emotions, many of which can be confusing and painful. “It’s sadness, but also anxiety, frustration, denial, guilt. This is something that can do a lot of damage,” Kromer said.
It is especially difficult to acknowledge these emotions when the loss has not yet occurred. “Many people, when they experience anticipatory grief, do not allow themselves to experience all of these emotions,” Kromer said. “They will say, well, my mother has not died yet, why am I upset? Or, okay, she has two years left to live, why am I anxious all the time and can’t enjoy the time I spend with her?
What to do with advancing grief
If you are experiencing anticipatory grief that makes it difficult for you to function in daily life, it is important to seek professional help, preferably one who has experience with various types of grief. “If you feel like you’re wearing ankle weights, that life has gotten really hard and requires a lot more energy, then it’s time to get help,” Kromer said.
However, as Kromer points out, even if your grief doesn’t affect your daily life, it can still be helpful to seek help as it can help keep it from getting worse. “Early intervention can help,” Kromer said. “The sooner we get ahead of something, the sooner we have that trusted professional, generally the better the results will be.”