How to Start a Casual Sexual Relationship
A new study shows that dating app users are more likely to date and have casual sex. Surprise! While we probably don’t need research to state the obvious, casual sex still has a bad rap, especially if it’s something you’re exclusively looking for. Our sexual desires and needs change with life, and sometimes sex is a pleasurable activity that you want to have without strings attached. But how do you engage in casual sex while remaining respectful and safe for all parties involved? First, it would be nice to define what casual sex means to you.
“Casual sex can be used as an umbrella term for sexual activity between people who may not have much familiarity, affection, or commitment with their sexual partner(s),” says Dr. Kristen Mark, sexual health educator and counselor at Everlywell . “This can include anything from one-night stands to friends with benefits, but generally outside of the context of romance or affection.”
Since casual sex options can be a bit delicate, here’s what to keep in mind before moving on to your next date.
Casual sex is not inherently shameful
Once you understand what casual sex means to you, it’s equally important to acknowledge that it’s what you’re looking for right now in your life and not shame yourself (or others) for pursuing it.
“Casual sex is always okay if that’s what you really want,” Mark says. “There are many important needs that can be satisfied through sex — things like sexual pleasure, stress relief, fulfillment, connection — and it doesn’t have to be in the context of a romantic relationship or attachment.”
But Mark warns that it’s just as important to test yourself to make sure you’re meeting your needs, and not doing it for someone else at your own expense. “If you find yourself in a casual sexual relationship but are looking for something more serious, be true to yourself about it, otherwise casual sex might become something that might not suit your needs.”
Open communication and safety are the biggest priorities
Relationships of any kind, including and perhaps especially non-attachment relationships like these, thrive on communication. If you like the match and you know that you are only interested in something everyday, please let us know as soon as possible. “Communicate it directly and simply,” Mark says. “You can just say, ‘I’m just looking for casual sex here and wanted to be honest about it so we’re on the same page.’ That’s all – just speak plainly, directly and honestly. On the other hand, if you’re not looking for casual sex, be clear and direct about it.
While the number of reported cases of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) in the US declined in the early months of COVID, most of them, including gonorrhea and syphilis, returned by the end of 2020 . That’s why if you regularly have unprotected sex with partners whose STI status you’re not sure about, Mark recommends getting tested with every new partner (especially when partners have sex with several other people) or whenever bonding occurs (when you don’t have barrier method such as a condom).
“Make sure if you’re involved in fluid binding that you’re talking about STIs, and if there are parts of the body that can lead to a sperm meeting with an egg, that you’re talking about preventing unwanted pregnancies,” Mark says. “Be honest about your intentions, your needs, and your safety. This is very important, and by telling your partner about this, you show him that you care about his health too.
The same thing happens if you discover that you have an STD/STI after having sex with your new partner.
“STIs are pretty common,” Mark says. “About 1 in 4 people will be diagnosed with an STI during their lifetime. So, knowing that, try to approach it directly and maybe even phrase it that way. Sex without barrier protection comes with inherent risks, and everyone can weigh that risk against their own good. Part of this risk is related to the possibility of contracting an STI, so just be clear that you will have to deal with it.”
She advises contacting your most recent sexual partners and letting them know they need to get tested. “Avoid blame or shame. Just state the facts and let them know that you want to take care of their health and the health of their partners, so they need to get tested and treated.”
Whether it’s a one-night stand or dating privileged friends, Mark says her top tip is to always stay honest and clear with your sexual partner and check in often.
“No matter what kind of sex you’re having, it’s always a good idea to check your pulse to make sure you’re on the same page as your partner,” she says. “Just sign up by saying something like, “It was great, how are you? We’re all right? Be open and direct about what you are looking for. Don’t give people the wrong idea of what you want just for the sake of dating. Be a sensitive and open conversationalist.