Why It Is Not Always Necessary to Forgive, According to a Psychologist
When we have been wronged by someone, general advice usually includes forgiving the offender. As we know, this means that we should strive to “stop feeling resentment against (the perpetrator)” or “withdraw resentment or demand retribution.” Many times, our collective idea of what forgiveness looks like includes the offender’s active participation in receiving forgiveness, or includes us simply letting go of the resentment on our own.
“It matters how you define forgiveness,” said Dan Neuhart , a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of the Psychology Today blog dedicated to demystifying narcissism . “I view forgiveness as a continuum.”
At one end of the continuum is rehabilitation, where the board is wiped clean, and at the other end is a way to accept and let go of what happened, which may or may not be communicated to the abuser.
Forgiveness can be hard
Forgiveness becomes much more difficult when the person who caused the pain does not accept the consequences of their actions and is unwilling to put in the effort to change. It is in these circumstances that the process of forgiveness must either look different or be abandoned altogether.
“It’s not necessarily about forgiving that person, but about finding a way to let go of bitterness and guilt,” Neuhart said. When active harm occurs, whether physical or emotional, out of necessity, this is when you should really think about what the healing process should look like.
“You have to think long and hard about whether it is reasonable to forgive at all and whether you want to give this person access to you,” Neuhart said. “A sense of security is more important than forgiveness.”
Forgiveness Requires Vulnerability
As Neuhart points out, there is an inherent sense of vulnerability in forgiveness or letting go, as it can be an acknowledgment of the risk of it happening again, especially if you choose to maintain constant contact with the person who has hurt you. “It’s hard to admit how vulnerable we are,” he said.
When it comes to this vulnerability, it’s important to acknowledge and acknowledge what the cost could be if it happens again. “Some people are able to move on or say, ‘I can let it go and I trust myself to set healthy boundaries and be vigilant, and even if it happens again, I know I can survive,'” Neuhart said. “But other people might think, ‘If this happens, it will cost a lot, it will hurt me, and I don’t want that.’ Neither is wrong, it should be what works for you.”