Why You Should “subtract” From Your Upbringing
Parenting is a grueling marathon, from the early days of sleep deprivation to the non-stop routine of extracurricular activities in elementary school and the stress of going to college. This pressure is real and should not be underestimated.
Paradoxically, our reactions to parental stress often exacerbate it. (Is your child constantly bored or confused? More extracurricular activities!) Instead, you should think about ways to solve parenting problems by subtracting rather than adding, which often leads to equally effective solutions.
Why we tend to solve problems by adding rather than subtracting
When we face challenges, “our brains are more wired to think of an additive solution,” says Yael Schonbrun, professor of psychology at Brown University and author of Work Parent Thrive. As Schönbrun points out, for most of human history, the main problem in raising children was scarcity, which required complementary solutions: more food, more shelter.
In a world where we usually have enough to meet our basic needs, the problems may look very different. “Such a solution does not work in modern life, so we have a mismatch between our brain biology and our culture,” Schönbrun said.
The idea of solving problems with subtraction was originally proposed by Schönbrun’s collaborator, Leidy Klotz , an engineering professor at the University of Virginia whose research focuses on solving problems with subtraction. In a series of experiments published last year in the journal Nature, Klotz and his collaborators were able to show that while subtraction is often an effective way to solve problems, it is not the default.
Even Klotz, who specializes in the study of problem solving through subtraction and is the author of Subtraction: The Untapped Science of Less , also found himself taking the opposite course amidst the chaos of parenting.
The higher the stress, the more likely we are to add rather than subtract
As Klotz’s research (and personal experience) shows, the more stressed we are, the more we neglect subtraction as a solution to our problems. In the research world, this is called “cognitive load”. In the parent world, this is called being exhausted, exhausted and depressed.
“The tendency to neglect subtraction increases even more when we are under [stress],” Schönbrun said. And as Klotz recently told The Washington Post , “We think so often about what we need to do, what we should do, and very rarely think about what we can stop doing. And so over time, we have more and more on our plates.”
This tendency is one of the reasons we can deal with enrolling children in more classes, giving them more toys, or buying a white noise machine for babies, instead of thinking about how much stress we can remove from our lives. to get rid of it. make room for solving these problems through other means. Subtractive parenting can include getting our kids really bored from time to time, or forcing them to get creative with their existing (but boring) toys.
How to put it into practice
Moving to that mindset will take work (sigh). “We have the idea that less should be easy, but in reality it is the complete opposite,” Schönbrun said. “It takes a lot of effort to get less because our brains aren’t wired by default to consider subtraction as an option.”
How this happens will depend on the individual desires, needs and desires of your family. However, there are a few guidelines that have helped Schönbrun put this into practice in her life.
Think about your values. When it comes to the decision to take something away or keep it, it has to be intentional. Schönbrun’s advice: think about your family values and use them when making decisions.
For example, Schönbrun made the decision to swim with her children rather than sign them up for swimming lessons, as she enjoys spending time with them. Although they learn more about technology in formal classes, she found the time spent together more valuable and less stressful.
Strive for a mixture of addition and subtraction. While subtraction can help ease the stress of family life, that doesn’t mean you have to cut out everything. Instead, it’s about subtracting less valuable items and activities that take more time and energy than they’re worth, and adding what’s really important.
When appropriate, additive solutions can be quite effective. The key is to make sure whatever you add is right for you and your family. “We need to find a balance,” Schönbrun said. “We need to be smarter about the balance of addition and subtraction.”
It’s okay to be uncomfortable. As Schonbrun points out, subtractive parenting can be very uncomfortable, whether it’s letting your child cry as he falls asleep or letting him whine about his boredom instead of filling his schedule with lessons and activities.
For example, when it comes to putting your baby to bed, “studies show you should be doing less,” Schönbrun said. “Parents who are taught to do less, their children sleep better.”
This is also true in a number of other scenarios, from watching your child’s homework to resolving rivalry between siblings. Letting go of that control can be incredibly difficult when they’re yelling at each other or when your teacher calls at home, Schönbrun admits. But as uncomfortable as it is to back off, it will help them in the long run and also keep you sane. “Let them be wrong,” she said. “In fact, this is how children learn best.”