The Difference Between Emotional Neglect and Emotional Disability (and How They Affect Children)
Emotional neglect in childhood (CEN) occurs when caregivers fail to meet a child’s emotional needs. This may include open verbal abuse as well as passive acts of ignoring or neglecting the child’s needs. Both emotional neglect and emotional disability fall under the broader category of CEN and affect the child in different ways. How can you tell the difference and what effect do they have on the child?
Here are two examples of how emotional neglect and emotional disability can manifest:
- Imagine a child who wants to tell his parents about a fight with a friend at school that upset him, and the parent brushes it off instead of listening and supporting him.
- Imagine another child having a fight with a friend and wanting to talk about it, and the parent instead punishing the child for being “too emotional”.
Now imagine that such scenarios happen every day in two different families. These responses look and feel different and therefore affect adult life in different ways. The first is emotional neglect , that is, a passive action that is difficult to notice when it occurs. The latter, however, is emotional disability and is an active process of denying, criticizing, or suppressing the child’s feelings.
None of these situations are ideal, and children who grow up in an emotionally dysfunctional environment may often experience one or both of these scenarios. CEN occurs when parents fail to recognize or respond to a child’s emotions. CEN is not so much about what the parent does as it is about what the parent doesn’t do.
Consequences of emotional abuse in childhood
Neglect is the most common form of child abuse . However, the realization that you may have experienced CEN is not always obvious. Children who grow up in emotionally dysfunctional families may feel that something is wrong, but not know what it is. Unlike physical abuse, a child does not have tangible bruises or marks, so it is often not noticed until its effects become apparent in adulthood.
“Adults who have experienced emotional neglect are more likely to have symptoms of social isolation, avoidance of intimacy, relationship difficulties, difficulty managing emotions, low self-esteem, hopelessness, and a inhibited coping style,” says Dr. Stephanie Wolf, a licensed child psychologist and psychologist. partner at Maven Psychology Group “They are at higher risk for a variety of mental disorders, including depression and social phobias. These adults are also at higher risk of developing borderline or avoidant personality disorder.”
CEN can take many forms, such as passive neglect and active emotional disability, so here are the differences.
What is passive emotional neglect?
Here are some examples of what passive emotional neglect can look like and how a child can walk away from learning.
1. The child is often upset. The parent does not notice and brushes off any attempts by the child to express his feelings.
The lesson the child learns is that their feelings are not important.
2. The child makes mistakes and wrong choices. Parents completely ignore the wrong choice and assume that they will figure it out themselves.
The lesson that the child takes away is that he does not have the opportunity to learn properly. If there is no adult around to guide them, they may become overly self-critical as adults and attack themselves for making mistakes.
3. The family avoids any uncomfortable or emotional topics. Conversations are superficial and conflicts are avoided at all costs.
The lesson that the child learns is that he will never learn how to effectively communicate and articulate needs and feelings. They learn that it is better to avoid discussing feelings with others.
4. The child is angry, and the parents do not approve of him or move away from him.
The lesson the child learns is that they believe that anger is objectively bad. They learn to keep it inside, otherwise it will push people away.
What is active emotional disability?
Here are examples of active emotional disability, as well as what a child can learn from each scenario.
1. The child is injured. They try to express their feelings and the parents react negatively, calling them “drama queens” or “overly emotional”.
Lesson the child learns : They learn that in order to be strong, they don’t have to have or express any emotion.
2. The child is upset and the parent suppresses the child’s feelings by expressing stronger and stronger emotions.
Lesson the child learns : They are taught that they are responsible for the emotions of others and that the feelings of others are more important than their own.
3. The child is sent to his room whenever he shows a negative emotion.
The lesson the child learns is that they learn the belief that negative emotions are unbearable and should be punished.
4. The child needs advice, he seeks emotional support or guidance from his parents, but instead he is rejected, and his parents call him “needy”.
The lesson the child learns is that they learn that they should not have any needs and should be ashamed of their feelings and emotions.
What does it all mean in practice?
In Wolff’s words, “If an adult has recently realized that he experienced emotional neglect as a child … this knowledge will help him significantly improve his life.” Wolf continued, “I would recommend that they seek help from a licensed physician with experience in trauma and emotional neglect.”
Whether you have experienced passive emotional neglect or active emotional disability, the consequences are very real. Those who have experienced CEN often feel prone to self-doubt and self-criticism, or have difficulty communicating and processing emotions. Passive neglect can be subtle and difficult to pinpoint, which only reinforces self-doubt. If any of the examples above sound familiar to you, you may have grown up with CEN. You can also check out this checklist provided by Dr. Jonis Webb, a psychologist who specializes in CEN.
The good news is that while you didn’t have a choice as a child, as an adult you do. There are ways to heal, one of which is therapy. There are many different therapies that have been shown to help with child neglect, some of them include Cognitive Processing (CPT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Trauma-Based CBT (TF-CBT). It will be helpful to find a therapist who will list any of these treatments.
“Through therapy, they can learn healthier patterns of intimacy and how to successfully meet their emotional needs,” Wolf said. Ultimately, it’s never too late to realize your mental health and try to change it. There is a path to healing, and you are already on the path to it.