You Should Consider a Relationship Agreement
Love excites and brings satisfaction – at least until dishes and linen begin to accumulate. Before you know it, your new relationship’s honeymoon is over and you, like everyone else, are arguing with your partner over housework, finances, and shared responsibilities. Enter, relationship contract. It may sound a little trite, but according to sociologist and sex therapist Sarah Melanson , all couples have their variations.
What is a relationship agreement?
“Conversation on the topic “who are we?” or “DTR” (define relationship) is a laid-back version of a relationship contract,” says Melancon. “Similarly, many couples discuss major issues such as religious preferences or the desire to have a family, which usually leads to an agreement on how these issues will be handled.”
However, according to Melancon, a relationship contract, which is a written or verbal set of agreements and boundaries regarding how a relationship should function, can be even more focused and ensure that all the basics are covered.
“Creating a relationship pact is essentially an exercise in honest communication and teamwork that is essential for any long-term relationship to thrive,” says Melancon. “This may include practical matters such as who does housework or childcare, how finances are handled, the type of home you want to buy, where you would like to live, mobile phone usage preferences, or how often you use your mobile phone. . date.”
But your relationship contract can also deal with more emotional issues, such as expectations of emotional or social support, the pursuit of personal growth and relationship development, conflict resolution, and how you prefer to have difficult conversations. This may even be about monogamy and what both parties are interested in learning outside of the relationship.
“The main advantage of a relationship agreement is that both partners are on the same wavelength,” says Melanson. “This ensures that both of you are in the same relationship and that no one is misled or left out.”
What are the disadvantages of a relationship agreement?
“Many of us dream that we will fall in love with the perfect partner, and everything will work out in a magical way,” says Melancon, “so talking about the boundaries of your relationship can seem unromantic or artificial.”
Relationship contracts can also inadvertently put pressure on certain behaviors because “the contract says” rather than out of a feeling of love, support, or obligation.
“When it’s hard for one or both to be themselves, the contract will reflect that discomfort,” Melanson warns. “However, since the contracts are flexible and designed to be upgraded, the contract can grow with the pair.”
When should partners consider entering into a relationship agreement?
According to Melanson, a relationship contract is useful for (re)negotiating at any major turning points in your relationship, such as commitment, cohabitation, engagement, marriage, or the birth of a new child. Other major life changes, such as starting a new career, a major move, or caring for an aging parent, may also require changes to your contract.
Melancon says it might be a good idea to review your contract annually to make sure both of you are still happy with the terms, “as people’s needs change throughout life, your relationship contract should be reviewed as you both grow and are changing.”
Areas to consider in your relationship agreement
If you’re looking for inspiration on what to include in your relationship, Melancon suggests considering the following areas of your relationship.
Sex and intimacy
“Sex and intimacy are important, so [they] should rightfully be part of the relationship contract. However, you should not “demand” a certain frequency or actions from your partner. This can put undue pressure and lead to a partner having sex out of obligation rather than desire.”
Instead, make a statement, such as: “We value sex and intimacy and agree to prioritize intimacy. We also agree to actively work on any issues that arise in this area.”
exclusivity
“Whether you’re monogamous, swingers, polyamorous, or in any other form of ‘open’ relationship, you need to agree on a degree of exclusivity,” Melanson says. “If you are monogamous, what do you consider the limits of monogamy? Some couples may wonder about their views on pornography, masturbation, or other types of sex when alone, especially since this can be a very sensitive area. Also, if you or your partner are having sex outside of a relationship, what are your boundaries regarding safer sex?
Finance
“Who pays for what? What are your plans for saving or investing? Money earned by you personally, or is it common property? Are the accounts separate or shared?
Housework, childcare and/or pet care
“Think about the most important household tasks for each of you and why they are important,” Melanson says. “Agree on who will perform each task and how often they should be performed based on your preferences. Childcare is a common topic for couples with children. Make sure each partner has enough time for themselves, their work and self-care.”
Taking care of pets may not seem like such a big deal, but Melancon says it’s a good idea to discuss who would hypothetically take a dog to the vet on Wednesday afternoon, not to mention who’s in charge of walking, littering or feeding.
How to Negotiate
Since this is a contract, it is natural that you will enter into negotiations with your partner. Melancon says that as you approach a stumbling block, it’s important to remember that you’re on the same team. “It’s not about being right or winning, it’s about coming to an agreement that works for both of you. Strive to understand first. This will help your partner feel seen, heard and appreciated, as well as provide practical information to help you better find a solution that works for everyone.”