How to Have an Orgy

Sex parties are nothing new. Bonobos had orgies before humans existed, and the earliest evidence of group sex between humans dates back to cavemen attending Neolithic fertility festivals. Sex parties were an annual spring tradition in ancient Egypt, and I don’t need to tell you how the Greeks and Romans, those weird bastards, fell down.

If you choose to join this great tradition, good for you; but before you send a group invitation to your astronomy club, you need to consider some features of organizing such an event.

I spoke with a couple of orgy executives—adult industry veteran Graham Ponante and certified sex educator and event planner Stella Harris —to find out how to start your own bacchanalia in the neighborhood. The two organized dozens of kinds of parties that I was never invited to: orgies, sex parties, almost sex parties, and other blatant displays of sensuality and group identity.

Who to invite to an orgy?

Any party is only as good as its guests, but an orgy has requirements that a Kentucky Derby party doesn’t. As a host, it is your responsibility to keep your guests safe and happy. So don’t scrawl your address on the bathroom wall and invite all your Facebook friends; you must be discerning. This is probably not the time to find out if you’re vibrating with someone new. Instead, make sure everyone you invite is part of your social circle.

“At house parties… you’re usually only there if someone vouches for you. You are either a friend of the host or a date of a friend of the host. So at least one or two people have already vouched for your ability to handle that kind of space,” Harris said.

Harris advises being mindful of the personalities and reputations of everyone you invite: “You have to think about what you know about people. First, are they even suitable for this kind of thing? If so, how do gender and sexuality relate? Because you want to have people that everyone can play with… Who are these people who can communicate well and clearly? Who are the people you know who agree well? Who comes on time; who fulfills the requests of others?

Ponante notes that the audience on his sexual saturnalia is remarkably diverse. “There is a through line that runs through the type of people who would come to a sex party. For lack of a better term, it is shame resistance,” he said. “When you get a group of people who don’t necessarily feel embarrassed by shame, it’s not necessarily an indicator of what part of the racial, economic, or political spectrum they might belong to.”

Keep the guest list small, especially if the idea is to really share the experience. “A sex party is almost never open to everyone,” explains Harris. “I’d say you can have up to five people if you just want a bunch of bodies doing stuff to each other.” More than a quintet, and they’ll probably break into smaller groups like people socializing at mandatory clothing parties.

Inform and warn your guests

Don’t invite anyone to a sex party who doesn’t know it’s a sex party. Don’t throw a casual dinner party that you hope turns into an orgy – that shit only works in porn movies. And tell your guests directly about what they can expect right from the start.

“You have to make sure everyone understands what they’re signing up for, and that starts with an invite to the event,” Harris said. “You tell people, ‘Hey friends, this may sound a little weird, but I’m throwing a sexy party and you’re invited.’

If you are anything like me, then many of your friends are squares who would refuse to participate in an orgy – after all, this is a little scary. If this is the case, Harris suggests an intermediate step between party-party and orgy: a sex party, not a full sex party. “If it’s newbies and you’re getting people into the sexual space, it’s very helpful to have this as an introductory event,” Harris said. “For example, “we are going to watch porn together” or “we are going to read erotica together.”

Moderate your orgiastic expectations

If you haven’t attended one, your idea of ​​an orgy is probably based on pop culture depictions of the practice. According to my group sex experts, these descriptions are grossly inaccurate: it won’t look like a porn movie, and it won’t look like Eyes Wide Shut .

“Pornification of sex parties is a Hague-level crime, a UN-level crime,” Ponante told me. “I have had pornstars at my parties, and if you watch one of the porn movies of their sex parties, you will see how they behave at a real sex party, day and night. You don’t have people screaming and just crying at an orgy. The way some porn films portray these things, they are deadly serious; but in real life they are actually funny. People are laughing.”

Preparing for the big day

After the most charming boors and dashing rascals on your contact list have responded to an invitation to the sex party of your dreams, it’s time to get down to the details: food, drinks and theme.

orgy grub

As with any party, you must provide your guests with food, but when creating an orgy menu, keep the specific needs and activities of the groping group in mind. For example, don’t take a large pot of chili with you.

“If you’re not careful, everyone will just bring dessert,” Harris jokes. “It’s kind of a running joke that there are always snacks and that people don’t always think through what foods go well with sex. You want something that isn’t too messy, more like finger food… You definitely need protein and energy foods.”

“We made something wrapped in bacon or other small pieces of protein. Nothing garlicky, nothing too milky. Individually wrapped items, no deli plates or anything like that,” Ponante added.

Drinking and drugs

Whether to provide or allow drugs or booze at a sex party is ultimately up to the host/law, but should be approached with care. Mind-altering substances can relax people, but they can also blur boundaries.

“You try not to mix a lot of drugs and a lot of alcohol with orgies,” Ponante said. “Firstly, because there is a performance issue, and secondly, because there may be a consent issue… I once tried white wine. Because everyone thinks it’s a drink for girls. But white wine will give you a nice light buzz and won’t stain your teeth.

On topic or off topic?

If you want your party to have a theme other than “it’s gonna be a fucking orgy !” really depends on who you ride with. If your friends are into Ren Faires, maybe the medieval theme would be fun (although if you’re friends with the Ren Faire people, you probably don’t need help planning an orgy). If you talk to historians, maybe the theme of a Roman orgy will do?

One final note: no matter what dishes or decor you use, clean your house well. Hire a maid if you’re lazy. Nobody wants to go down to the pigsty.

gracious hosting for inclusive sex

Graceful, decent hosting can be something of a lost art, but ironically, the 1950s-era skill set of welcoming your guests warmly and making them feel welcome is vital to a successful orgy.

“The host should greet everyone by repeating the ground rules for the event, and that’s probably how you’ll communicate and agree,” Harris said.

“I hung out with [an unnamed aporn star] for a while and he helped me throw a couple of those parties. She went to talk to shy guys and I went to talk to shy women, but we were both available for same-sex reassurances as well,” Ponante said. “I talk to girls to say, ‘Hey, thanks for the fun.’ We’ll just make sure everyone is as comfortable as possible.”

Try not to leave socially awkward people alone unless they want to. Both Harris and Ponante suggested the possibility of pairing rookies with experienced hands.

Getting to know the group is important

Breaking the ice is vital to a sexy party. Don’t wait for your guests to get to know each other and/or get down to business: you are the host and you should be the catalyst. Both Harris and Ponante offered to introduce the band. This serves a dual purpose: making your guests feel more comfortable and keeping things on schedule.

“You can say that people can come until 9 pm, we will communicate, have snacks, cocktails, anything, until 22 pm. And then at 10 p.m. the opening circle will begin,” Harris said.

At Harris parties, the circle is when everyone says their names, their pronouns, maybe their sexuality, and what they hope to get out of the evening. You can also ask guests to tell you about their STI and relationship status, their safety needs, and any information you think will be relevant to you and other guests.

Turning a party into a sex party

If your party is for seasoned sluts, everyone will hear about the deal, but newbies might need a little help. Harris proposed a variation on the theme of the ancient sexual game “The Bottle”.

“I know it sounds ridiculous, but spinning a bottle is an incredibly good icebreaker,” says Harris. — My group is playing an updated version of the consent-oriented game. When you land on someone, you offer something and they may accept your offer or make a counter offer. So, instead of being forced to kiss someone, this is a little bit of negotiation practice. So, I could land on somebody and say, “Hey, how about a kiss?” and they’d say, “Actually, I’d rather hug, ‘ So people learn how to do it a little back and forth.”

If this is your first time at an orgy

If you’re invited to an orgy, you should feel good about yourself – some think you can handle yourself and/or others – but make sure you only go with the right attitude. Being open to new experiences is good, as is confidence. Sex positivity is a given. Creepiness is a definite non-starter.

As for beginners, Harris stresses the importance of entering without a specific goal so that you don’t get frustrated. “You’d better think, ‘I’m going to get my feet wet. I’m going to figure it out,” she says. “It’s better to put it like this: “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe that I was invited to an orgy and I will see all these hot people having fun!” This is already a victory. So offer people snacks or pass a bottle of lube.”

According to Ponante, another key quality of a guest is confidence. “Not boasting or anything like that,” he said, “but understanding that you should be there. You passed the test or answered the correct questions in the form… Don’t hide your light under a bushel.

“Be prepared to go slow,” Harris said. “Be prepared to watch at least the first part of the evening and get an idea of ​​the culture or atmosphere of this group of people.”

According to Harris, it is important to understand how guests communicate, what are the rules, norms and activities of the party. It’s also important to have a deeper understanding of sex than our Puritan culture often provides, and a healthy respect for other guests.

“Just because someone showed up to a sex party doesn’t mean they want to do everything with everyone,” says Harris. “Someone can go to a sex party and only want to have hand sex or play with sex toys, so if someone else shows up and just wants to stick their penis in people, that limits the kinds of games that can happen and combinations of people that can happen.”

Oh soul orgy

To have a successful orgy, you have to invite an interesting group of people who are likely to get along with each other, provide the right snacks and refreshments, be a gracious host/hostess, and make sure fun activities are provided. If this sounds like the recipe for any successful party, you’re right, but there’s a key difference from a sex party. According to fans of the practice, an orgy is a potentially transformative experience that almost never happens at a dinner party.

“There is no such thing as casual sex,” Ponante explains. “No matter how crazy or spontaneous sexual contact is, it is still full of meaning. The idea is that people can change in a safe environment; people can blow their minds in a safe environment. It’s really exciting. The way you want to see what’s going on in an ant colony. You can leave a different person than you came in.”