Why You Should Look at Parenting “for a Long Time”
It looks like my 10-year-old takes a lot longer than it should to get out the door and go somewhere . This is the most frustrating part of any day. My son is chatty, which I love, but he often decides to have these wonderful, detailed conversations about his favorite video game, while at the same time I try to remind him that he needs to find his glasses, his water bottle, his mask, his shoes. He is annoyed by the constant interruptions and reminders, while I just want him to focus on collecting what he needs first and then tell me what he has to say when the front door closes behind us.
Sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking that I am terribly failing in this little corner of parenting – raising a self-sufficient child who can move from one place to another on time, taking everything he needs with him. I tried every tactic I could think of to teach him how to stop, catch his breath, look around and collect his things, from visual checklists to the natural consequences of forgetting things to a funny chanting mantra I once composed. for him to tell himself when he is leaving. However, I find myself interrupting story after story to keep him on his way out, much to the dismay of both of us.
As parents, it is easy to become overly focused on these conflicts, which seem to carry so much weight at the moment. As Jessica Lai, author of Dare Failure: How Best Parents Learn to Let Go of How Their Children Can Succeed , wrote a few years ago in the New York Times :
Walking with a friend in the woods this past spring day, I complained about the lack of progress my son has made in the organizational field. Like many adolescents, his frontal lobe is nearly short-lived, and his ability to handle high school demands falls short of teachers’ expectations. Despite strategic sessions and elaborate plans, his backpack and locker continue to function as, he says, “The Tardis That Went Wrong” for all things important and urgent.
My friend listened, supported and snorted sympathetically, and then reminded me how far he had come in years, not days. Its beautiful point flew over my head as I walked through the mud and quagmire of self-pity.
Later that day, when I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I realized that of course she was right. He made progress; maybe not compared to yesterday or a week earlier, but in the long run.
When we are in the middle of a tantrum phase that never seems to end, when a young child is overly aggressive with his peers, or when an older child decides your rules are not for them, it can be helpful to take a deep breath and focus on the long-term perspective. Here’s how to fix it:
Analyze the big picture
When I think about how my son is trying to focus on moving from one place to another, the first thing I think about is how long it lasts, how long we have been focused on it, and how it didn’t seem to work. it is better. He should become more responsible for this, I often think to myself. But if I zoom out on this tight shot, you actually see a child who has become much more self-sufficient over the past year.
Now he prepares his own lunch and gets his own snacks. He removes his shoes when he gets home. He washes his hands without constant reminders. He noticed that the other day my bed was not made, and, for God’s sake, prepared it for me . If I define his self-sufficiency in this particular area in which he is struggling, I ignore all other ways he grows. A couple of years ago, the thought that he would ever cook his own dinner seemed impossible, but here we are. If we can try to look at our children’s behavior in a broader context, we can feel a little more confident that they will eventually understand the basics.
Take a step back
It is natural for us to worry or overestimate everything about our children’s behavior. Whether they’re at school, skipping classes, or constantly answering, we may wonder where we went wrong. But every child has strengths and weaknesses, skills that they need to develop, a frontal lobe that has not yet been completed. We are often too close to a situation to be fair in our interpretation of how big a deal it is or if it is even a deal at all. When this happens, it is helpful to imagine that your child is not your child at all.
Regardless of the behavior or situation your child is currently struggling with, imagine that he is actually your child’s friend, your best friend’s child, or the child next door. Imagine their parents confiding in you, venting about how they continue their missing curfew or receive their third detention or never turn their homework into time, what would you tell them ? Sometimes it is easier for us to see the “far perspective” from an emotional distance, so try to model that distance for yourself.
Teach and Lead by Example
No matter how many times we tell our children to do certain things or act in a certain way, our actions will always speak louder than our words. They learn to act in the world largely because of the way we act in this world. How you treat them, how you treat others, and how you treat yourself will go a long way in informing about their behavior as they age and finally, happily, enter their youth.
I also forget something. In fact, a lot. I’m the one who usually is responsible for gathering things for a family holiday, and it was a joke, it’s not that I forget something obvious and important, and that it will be this time randomly. I make checklists, I focus, I try to remember every last thing, but I forget anyway.
But when I do this, and my son is with me, I try not to criticize myself for it. People get distracted and forget things. If I can go back and get this, I’ll go back and get this. If I can’t, I try to discuss other options. Because someday my adult child will fly out the front door (mostly) with everything in hand. And when he forgets something, I want him to hear my voice in his head, saying: “Well, that’s okay. I’ll think of something.