How to Attend a Seder for a Non-Jew
This Friday and Saturday marks the beginning of Pesach, an eight-day holiday commemorating the escape of the Israelites from Egyptian slavery. Its beginning is celebrated in Jewish homes with a seder, a ritual meal during which the story of the Exodus is told. Once observed almost exclusively by Jews, the seder is becoming more and more secular , with tons of non-Jews attending.
If you are invited to your first Seder, it can create unique challenges for even the most experienced dinner party guests. Here’s what you need to know before you show up.
Should a non-Jew accept an invitation to a Seder?
In most cases, my answer is a sincere “yes!” Seders are great! But there are exceptions. There are many different Jewish peoples, and there is debate among more traditional Jews about the “rules” for non-Jews attending a Seder . There are also arguments about cultural appropriation .
I don’t expect you to be invited to an Orthodox seder as a non-Jew, unless you’re married to someone there. If so, I would make sure you know what you are getting into by talking to your spouse about how you will fit into their family’s expression of Judaism.
However, for the most part, if your Jewish friend invites you to a seder, he is probably a reformed Jew and sees the seder as an experience he would like to share. If in doubt, ask.
What to Expect on the First Night of Passover
A seder is not a dinner party with special dishes. It is part of a meal, part of a religious ritual during which the guests do not just listen to the story of the Jewish escape from slavery, but are invited to relive it and reflect on the lessons. Exodus in terms of their own experience and life.
Although the rituals are specifically Jewish, the Passover story contains powerful themes such as oppression, slavery, liberation, and faith that are universal. This is an exciting story in which everyone will find something for themselves. If you like religion, there’s plenty of it. If you’re a fan of horror movies, the executions sent by Moses to Pharaoh are terribly delicious – boils, frogs falling from the sky, defeat of the firstborn, etc.
Every family celebrates the Seder in their own way. In some, the story of the Exodus is told through ponderous readings of the Haggadah (a text explaining the order of the meal); in others it is a much more random affair. The first Seder I ever attended involved a group of 22-year-olds at a coffee table in a crappy apartment. We replaced the “bitter herb” with marijuana and ended up abandoning the Haggadah and discussing the nature of slavery and freedom while we ate store-bought soup with balls of matzah. I mean, ask your host about the nature of the Seder before you go.
Dress appropriately
There is no official dress code, so if you’re not sure, ask your host about the outfit – just like you would at any dinner party.
Show up on time
Since the seder includes reading and ritual, it is very bad to be late. You don’t want to jump into the middle of the story.
Don’t appear hungry
This is a dinner party, but it may take some time before the meal. There is a lot to learn about Jewish history and philosophy before you eat the brisket, so be prepared.
Bring the right gift
Don’t bring pastries as a gift to the Seder dinner – and nothing that contains yeast or flour. Don’t show up with a ham and cheese salad. This is traf . Be careful and bring flowers.
This is a marathon, not a sprint
Pay for parking you’re going to be there for a while. It’s not a “eat a shovel and go watch a game” situation like Thanksgiving—the Seder can last up to four hours. It can be an amazing, unique and moving evening where you become part of a tradition that has been about the same for thousands of years, but it’s still a long dinner.
you can get drunk
Drinking wine during the seder is not only allowed, it is encouraged by God. The Haggadah instructs guests to drink four glasses of wine per evening, two of which are drunk before the meal, so you are likely to get drunk. L’Haim ! You can sip wine if you want to avoid it for some reason, or replace it with grape juice.
Do not eat food in the central area
Part of the whole Seder is the special arrangement of various dishes in the central part. They are not for eating, no matter how appetizing they may look.
You may be asked to read aloud
Depending on how your particular Seder is run, you may be asked to read passages from the Haggadah aloud. Don’t worry too much if you can’t pronounce some of the words. It happens to everyone.
Weird Foods You Can Eat
If you are not an adventurous eater, know that the following foods will be consumed.
- Matzo : This is unleavened bread. It is soft, slightly salty.
- Stuffed Fish : This is a minced fish dish. In terms of flavor, it ranges from canned stuffed fish, which most people find disgusting, to a surprisingly delicious side dish when cooked right.
- Kosher wine : Good kosher wine is available. And there is Manischewitz.
- Maror : This is the “bitter herb” invoked during the seder. Usually it’s horseradish, and it’s supposed to remind us of the bitterness of slavery, but I find horseradish delicious, especially spread on matzah. But people sometimes substitute romaine lettuce if they can’t stand the spiciness.
- Charoset : This sweet paste is made from fruits and nuts. Delicious af.
- Unleavened : there will be no buns. The cake is not made from flour. Nothing with yeast. Deal.
Like the Wu-Tang Clan, the Seder is for children.
Part of the meaning of the Seder is to pass on the traditions of Judaism to the younger generation, so much of the evening is reserved specifically for children. The Haggadah has a special section for the youngest present, where four questions can be asked with answers explaining how “this night is different from all other nights.”
After the “serious” portion of the meal is completed, many households sing traditional children’s songs, including “Chad Gadya,” an awesome song that features both the Angel of Death and a dog being beaten with a stick. Metal!
Children love to find afikoman (matzoh hidden by the owner). I hate it because it reminds me of losing my car keys.
Then there is Elijah. It is customary to serve Elijah a glass of wine in case the prophet, who has been dead for more than 3,000 years, turns out to be thirsty. He probably won’t, but some families will secretly drink Elijah’s wine and tell the kids they just missed him. It’s best to lie to children.
The most important thing about being a non-Jew at the Seder
The Seder is about religion, not about your religion.
Participating in the rituals of another faith can make some people feel strong, but this is the worst time to talk about your beliefs or compare your religion (or lack of it) to Judaism. Instead, be open. If you can’t, at least keep your mouth shut. (However, respectful questions are usually welcome, as long as you’re not being rude.)
Some uncle, after the fourth shot of Manischewitz, might crack a few disparaging jokes about Judaism. Don’t join. It’s one of those “they can talk like that because they live it. You can’t because you don’t have situations. If you have trouble reading the room, don’t come to the Seder.
Some parts of the Haggadah may not suit you (especially if you are an Egyptian), but remember to consider the context. A phrase like “Pour out your wrath on nations that do not recognize you” may seem confrontational, but given that it comes from an enslaved people, the feeling is understandable.