Ways to Get the Last Piece of Lotion From the Bottle in the Ranking
In an era of rising inflation and economic uncertainty, the list of things that were once considered “first world” problems is getting shorter by the day. For example: pump out lotion bottles that stop working, leaving at least an inch or two of skin-saving mass in the bottom.
It’s not that you can’t survive without that last bit of lotion. It’s mocking corporate arrogance: Unilever knows damn well that their lotion dispenser bottles are ineffective and they just don’t care . In fact, the technology of ultra-slippery bottles exists, but is not yet widely used, which I find extremely suspicious.
Reasonable people would save themselves the frustration and just dispose of the bottle, but I’ve never been accused of being sensible, and I don’t seem to be alone: the internet has put a lot of effort into developing various methods to maximize their lotion. -usage. But which of these methods really work, and which one is the easiest? Lacking the mind to know better, I recently ran a number of experiments to find answers.
Upside down storage
The easiest thing to do when the pump bottle stops working is to harness the fundamental forces of the universe and turn it upside down, allowing gravity to coax all that priceless lotion to the top of the bottle. Then you can unscrew the pump and shake it out.
Simplicity: On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 requires four years of engineering education and 1 is something a toddler can do, it would actually be around 3. This is because pump bottles are generally not intended to be placed upside down. -down, so you need to support the suction cup somehow. And when you take the lotion out of it, the top will be pretty messy.
Efficacy: On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is the lotion that magically appears on your hands and 1 requires you to eat an energy bar before trying to hydrate, this would score a 5. Initially, this works quite well, but at some point, a lotion will stick to the walls of the bottle, which you simply cannot get to, no matter how much seriousness and anger you direct at it.
Bottle cutting method
You can think of this as a brute force attempt, and it involves a pair of sharp scissors and cutting that bottle in half, allowing you to either move the leftover lotion to another storage container, or just put the lid back in in order to keep stuff like you dive into it.
Lightweight: A 4. The plastic that most pump bottles are made of is quite thick and strong, so cutting it can be a chore and you have to be very careful not to injure yourself.
Efficiency: 8. Since you will have full access to your lotion, you can obsessively scrape it off, gaining access to almost every last point. The downside is that you will have a torn bottle of lotion on the counter for a week, announcing to all your guests that you are an obsessed weirdo.
Bottle cap extrusion method
The surprisingly simple idea is to remove the pump cap and replace it with a bottle cap taken from a different, better product. Combine this with the inverted method for a much easier way to extract precious hand cream.
Simplicity: While nothing is easier than removing a plastic cap and screwing on a slightly different plastic cap, there is a level of difficulty in getting the right cap. I don’t know about you, but in my completely normal and non-serial killer house, empty vials of different diameters are lying around for a reason, and I’m not going to buy them just for that. Let’s call it 5.
(You can also buy a Zero Waste Cap or a similar cap to empty bottles , but that costs a bit more money than using leftover shampoo bottle caps.)
Efficiency: 8 points. Yes, it will work and you will get most of the lotion you paid for. But all this will not work, because the extrusion technique requires a certain amount of lotion to work.
Full tubular method
Engineers from all over the world generally prefer to get $0.50 worth of lotion by buying $2 worth of supplies and spending thirty minutes of their precious time on a project. This involves buying a piece of vinyl tubing slightly larger than the pump shaft and attaching it to the bottom so that it snakes down into the lost lotion reservoir.
Simplicity: 10 because it includes things like measuring the shaft diameter, going to the store for supplies, and cutting pipes. Of course it can be done and once you build your super pump you can probably reuse it in similar pump bottles but you probably won’t feel good after that.
Effectiveness: A 5. While this will improve your situation, you will end up with a new level of fine lotion residue that even your MacGyvered tube can’t suck up.
Heat and serve method
Place the bottle in a bowl of hot water and let it soak in a bit. This will heat up the lotion inside, which will usually thin out, allowing you to easily transfer it to another container.
Ease: 8. You’ll need boiling water to make it work (hot tap water can soften the lotion a little, but it won’t become runny). Then you will need to soak the bottle for about 2 minutes. Keep in mind: your bottle will probably float, so you’ll need to hold it up to keep the lotion at the bottom submerged (or come up with a trick to hold it in place). So that’s a lot of steps along with the danger of scalding.
Efficiency: As close to 10 as possible. Once heated, this lotion will literally pour out of your bottle, and your chances of getting about 100 percent of it are high. Once the lotion has cooled, it will become viscous again, so this is an effective, albeit cumbersome, strategy.
Eventually, space age non-stick coatings will make all these methods unnecessary. Before this glorious future, we were all stuck doing science experiments at home so that corporate America would get a little less than our hard-earned money.