The Only Right Way to Get a Friend’s Relationship Advice
There are so many exciting things in store for you when you start a new romantic relationship: the honeymoon stage , planning your Instagram debut , learning everything about each other, and feeling overwhelmed with happiness and opportunity. Some funny things happen outside of relationships too – telling your friends all about your new partner is great… as long as it doesn’t get complicated. Friends, your wonderful new relationship is going through hard times. What if they don’t forgive mistakes and never greet your partner after a fight? Worse, what if they find out that this person is actually not that good for you before you are ready to admit it to yourself? Now you are also facing the prospect of a broken friendship, which could lead you into a potentially not-so-great relationship and distance you from a solid relationship with your buddies.
New data from dating app Hinge has shown that 84% of single Gen Zers surveyed admit they aren’t always completely honest when they ask their friends for dating advice, and even willingly leave out important details. It’s always a fine line to get advice from friends – do you really want them to tell you what to do, or do you want them to validate your own feelings? — but asking for advice in a relationship can be even more fraught. Here are some points to keep in mind when discussing what they say and how important it is to give meaning to what they say.
Your friends know you better than anyone
One argument for consulting your friends about your romantic triumphs and struggles is that they probably know you better than anyone else. They have seen you at your best and worst and know your relationship history.
Melissa Hobley, OkCupid’s dating coach and chief marketing officer, says she regularly advises newcomers to the dating app world to get their friends to help build profiles. The point of view of a well-informed observer is very useful. You may consider yourself diligent or simple, but a friend may remind you that you are a karaoke sensation after one drink or a magician with one-liners. They can tell you about all the wonderful and interesting traits that make you who you are, which will help you figure out which ones to highlight when you’re about to attract a partner.
This valuable, intimate yet outside perspective also comes in handy when you need advice, according to Hobley. She noted that even as an adult, some of her best friends are people she grew up with in Indiana, who have been by her side since she was a “clumsy 13-year-old.” Longtime friends are more likely to know which partner will complement your personality, how you tend to handle conflict, and whether you have a tendency to make excuses for others and stay in less-than-ideal relationships. They study you and have spent years researching. The opinion of an expert in this field is more valuable than the opinion of someone who does not understand the material, right?
But find out which friends are really willing to help you.
At the same time, some friends are soldiers who are ready to go to war for you, while others are those people you meet on Friday, but do not necessarily trust big things. You should be more open to the advice of those who have demonstrated a commitment to your well-being.
Hobley advised you to ask yourself a few questions about your friends before asking them questions about your personal life: “Do they support you? They want to fire you when you get promoted? Were they near you at your lowest point? Do they check the anniversary of your grandparents’ death? Are they supportive in good times and bad? Are they consistent? When they say they’re having brunch, do they come?”
If the answer to most of these questions is yes, then you can be sure that these friends really want to help you live a better life. If you ask them if you should stay with someone, break up with someone, or marry someone, you may know that their answer is based on their beliefs about what’s best for you .
Remember also that some friends break up just to have a good time. Use common sense to determine if a friend is advising you to break up with your significant other because they want you to be more available to interact with them, or maybe even because they enjoy drama.
Friendly advice can be difficult to give and receive
It’s hard to tell a friend that their partner sucks – there’s always the risk that you’ll upset and alienate a friend who isn’t yet ready to see that their significant other is a walking red flag.
According to Hinge, half of the single Gen Zers surveyed admitted that they aren’t always honest about how they actually feel when they give their friends romantic advice. Their reasons varied: 54% said they didn’t want to offend their friends, and 47% said their friends didn’t seem ready for honest feedback. This indecisiveness only erodes trust, and it works both ways: 86% of single Gen Zers are also hesitant about the advice their friends have given them. More than half said the person they most often turn to for advice is not currently in a healthy relationship.
Despite how difficult it can be to give and receive honest answers, 80% of singles surveyed said they found it important to get advice from their friends about who to date. Friendly feedback is part of the whole “friend” deal, from the first time you show them the picture of the cutie you got hooked up with on the app, to the day you tell them you’re afraid it won’t work.
Speaking in a press release, Hinge’s director of relationship science Logan Urey advised caution. “You are the only one in the relationship, not your friends,” Yuuri wrote. “It’s very important that you learn to tune in to your own feelings and needs and figure out how you feel about someone.”
Balancing your own self-awareness with a natural — and rewarding — propensity to crowdsource opinions from a group chat is tricky, but it can be done. Hopefully, over time, your friends have helped you understand who you are, even if they haven’t given you explicit advice. Use this knowledge about yourself to evaluate the advice they give you regarding your relationship, take that into account, and then make your own decision.