How to Talk Dirty in Bed Without Feeling Embarrassed

We know that communication is the foundation of any successful romantic relationship, and this includes how we communicate our needs and desires in the bedroom. So why do dirty words seem so… awkward? As simple as it may seem in movies and porn, in real life, dirty talk doesn’t always fly off the tongue as easily as it does during these hot on-screen hookups. Many of us stutter, stutter, freeze completely, or are too embarrassed to even try.

Rachel Sommer, MD, clinical sexologist and co-founder of My Sex Toy Guide , says people often feel this way when it comes to dirty talk. “Some people like it and others hate it,” she says. “For most people, it has to do with their upbringing, where they were told what bad words were and why they shouldn’t be tolerated. People are skeptical about change.”

And this is very bad, because dirty talk can improve your sexual relationship. “The beauty of dirty talk is that it opens the door for you to learn more about your partner’s likes and dislikes,” says Sommer. “Think of it this way: you need to have an honest conversation to discuss boundaries and set the rules that govern your newfound kink. Both partners describe in detail what they like and dislike. In doing so, you can learn more about each other’s fantasies, ending up using them during sex for an even more pleasurable experience.”

Sommer says it’s helpful to think of dirty talk as a form of foreplay. “Even if you end up touching each other physically, a 20-minute session of dirty talk can get your engines well warmed up before you’re ready for action.”

Want to know how to talk dirty confident instead of sounding downright awkward? Read on for some of Sommer’s best advice.

Try a role play

For those who are a bit shy, role-playing characters that match your biggest fantasies can make dirty talk a little less uncomfortable.

“Role-playing is a great way to introduce dirty talk into your sex life without taking full responsibility for your words and actions,” says Sommer. “Also, acting out pushes you out of your comfort zone, allowing you to explore and experiment with things you don’t normally have.” So get creative with your partner and act out an exciting scene together to relieve tension.

Share erotic novels or movies with your partner

You may have rolled your eyes at the Fifty Shades of Gray phenomenon, but there’s something in there that can teach you about seduction and obscene language. “Erotic novels are useful because of the extensive sexual vocabulary you can learn,” says Sommer, who recommends Out of My Control: Forbidden Fantasies in an Uncensored Age and Forbidden Flowers: More Women’s Sexual Fantasies.

Reading sex books with your partner also helps you become more aware of what turns the other on and can, Sommer notes, provide “new ways to make the experience exciting and fun.” Because, remember, sex should also be playful.

Practice talking dirty yourself

If you are not yet comfortable speaking dirty words in front of your partner, you can first practice speaking dirty words out loud to yourself. Think about what turns you on and what you want to experience in bed. Sommer recommends experimenting with different phrases, even if they make you uncomfortable at first.

Breaking taboos is okay too, she adds. “Remember, [if you are a woman] it is normal to be turned on by words like “slut” and “slut” that men use to humiliate women. It’s about taking back the words, owning them and using them in our own way that we like.”

Respect each other’s boundaries

According to Sommer, the best advice for successful dirty talk is to understand and respect your partner’s boundaries. “Understanding what excites and repels each other ensures sessions are tailored for you, which increases the likelihood of success,” she says. “It’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. The hero in bed is not the one [who] throws out a series of obscene phrases, but the real ones.

But what if your partner’s dirty talk doesn’t quite turn you on?

“I recommend discussing this with them. You can negotiate to make it sweeter or even better; you take the lead and lead them to do what you want them to do to you.”

And remember: practice makes perfect. Focus on what you like to say and hear in bed, and communicate it to your partner in any way that feels pleasant and sexy to you. A little fiddling is ok as you understand things.

“Try it and expect a little discomfort,” Sommer says. “After all, this is a new experience.