The Milestones of Any Relationship (and What to Avoid in Each One)
As the good book says, there is a time for everything, and this is especially true in relationships where there are certain stages in which couples go through, usually without even realizing that they are leaving one and entering another.
There is some disagreement among experts about how many stages actually exist, but there is no disagreement that the phases are real and the relationship is constantly changing. Understanding where you are and how best to navigate through it can help you build a strong partnership, so let’s take a look at what they look like.
Most relationships start at the honeymoon stage.
To be honest, the honeymoon stage is the most fun part. Here you will meet your new boo. Lots of dates, romance, long conversations and sexual antics. You know what this phase is like: you get butterflies when they text you, you rush out of work to hang out with them, and you think they’re absolutely perfect. You tell each other your favorite colors, describe your childhood and talk, talk, talk all the time. Everything you learn about them makes you love them even more and you tell all your friends how great they are and how much better they are than your exes. Moreover, you really believe in it.
The problem with the honeymoon is that you are wearing rose-colored glasses. Everything that the other person does causes sympathy. You will recognize them, yes, but you don’t know them very well yet. For example, you are unlikely to find out how they resolve a legitimate conflict at this stage, and if you do – and find something that you might not like – you will most likely abandon them because you are so overwhelmed.
In future stages, you can get hooked on the honeymoon phase for a long time. Many relationships deteriorate, and that’s okay, because the honeymoon phase can’t last forever. It may seem a bit nerdy or weird, but you can write down what you’ve learned about them and be as honest as you can. Go back to the list over time to make sure you don’t miss any red flags early on. Be sure to watch your emotions as you move on to other phases. Don’t justify a bad relationship for too long because you’re convinced that things can “go back to the way they started”. They really can’t, but that doesn’t mean hope is lost.
Entering the Relationship Reality Stage
Some people call what comes after the honeymoon phase a “love hangover.” You’ll start to notice some of the less-than-ideal traits here, so that’s where the real relationship work begins. If you once found it funny or impressive that your new love responded to work emails during lunch, for example, you may now find it annoying or disrespectful.
“Coming out of the honeymoon phase and into reality might seem like a high, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be exciting,” said Mae Blake, 24, who has gone through several long-term relationships. “When you get off the high of starting a relationship, you have to figure out if you’re compatible in the long run. Relationships are built not on passion, but on stability, which is nowhere near as exciting.
Depending on your personal qualities and needs, romance can continue fully in this phase, but everyday life and responsibilities will also take their time. Use the reintroduction of other responsibilities and tasks to gauge how you really feel about the relationship. If you enjoyed the constant dates and attention the most, you’ll feel it now. If you really like this person , you’ll feel it too, even when you’re both sidelined to take care of family, work, friends, and your lives.
This stage may also overlap with the “power struggle” phase, but not always. If your goals are exactly the same, and you really respect each other’s work and personal time, you will never have a power struggle. However, don’t be discouraged if you do. It may take some maneuvering to get used to the limitations of each other’s time and attention. Moreover, you may find that you have different ideas about what your roles in a relationship should be. For example, one party may be more controlling or traditional than the other, and you need to set some expectations beforehand.
The best thing you can do at this stage is not hide who you are. Be honest about your beliefs and goals. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not to keep things running smoothly. It won’t work in the long run. This is called the “reality” phase because both of you have to come to terms with the reality of your relationship, so being fake won’t help. Let’s say your partner wants to be the breadwinner and authority figure, the person who pays for dates, commands, travels everywhere and all that. If you’re into it, cool, but if not, don’t pretend. Eventually you will break down and the relationship won’t work.
Relationship stability stage.
If you go through this whole troubling situation, you will enter a stable phase. This is the part where you have a routine, and ideally it matches what you are both looking for or working on. After you spend a few months together, you will develop a rhythm. Maybe you always cook dinner together and watch a certain show on Tuesday evenings. Maybe you run errands together on Saturdays. Maybe you’ll combine your shopping lists or designate specific days of the month for individual activities. This is the part where the couple aspect really shines. You are one now!
This does not mean that there will be no conflict or that you will not discover something new about each other. By now, however, you should be able to communicate well enough that you can work through any new issues that arise. Stability is supposed to be pleasant, so if it tires you or annoys you, look a little deeper into yourself. Are you agreeing to a setting that you don’t really like? Do you go with the motions because you want to recapture that fuzzy feeling from the very beginning of the relationship? Be honest with yourself and don’t do it. The honeymoon is over. That’s where you are right now. Accept it or find a tactful way to end it.
The Commitment Stage in a Relationship
If your stable life has worked out for both of you, you may want to make it more formal. For some people, this includes marriage, but it doesn’t have to be. At this stage, you do not just follow the daily routine, but begin to plan your future daily routine. You can move in together, start coordinating important events together, like a vacation , or pool some finances and spend together on big things, no matter how big things are for you.
At this stage, signing on the dotted line or planning milestones together should not scare you. When in doubt , listen to your intuition. Just because you’ve come this far doesn’t mean you should keep going if you think it’s wrong. If the relationship is healthy, the transition to this new phase should be natural and exciting.
Relationship Satisfaction Stage
At this stage, there is a bit of a honeymoon phase and a bit of a stability phase all rolled into one. Once you decide to be committed to each other, you will feel happy, content, and satisfied. (Again, if you don’t feel like it, it’s never too late to prioritize and walk away.)
Whether you have a home, a dog, kids, a joint bank account, or some of these things, you should feel happy knowing that you have found a partner who understands you, builds with you, and overcomes conflicts with you. There’s also room for dates and romance, so don’t forget both. Even after the birth of a child or another important event in life, you can and should make time for your relationship.
Remember that your relationship is not a race or a game. You don’t just date someone to quickly go through the stages and eventually get married. Each phase should be taken and developed with care so that you can progress happily and stay happy.