You Can Learn Not to Please People

If you love people, you are probably empathetic and generous. Don’t get me wrong – these are wonderful qualities. At the same time, if you always adapt to the wants and needs of other people, this should not be at the expense of your own.

Being nice is one thing, but many pleasers feel emotionally drained or feel like their time is no longer theirs. And although you are pleasant on the outside, inside you can accumulate resentment, stress and fear of rejection.

If you’re tired of feeling like a doormat, how do you start putting yourself first? Because you know how to please people, you probably don’t want to upset anyone. Here are some specific tips on how to start asserting yourself as a person.

Set healthy boundaries

Knowing how and when to set boundaries is key to making sure you don’t sacrifice your own well-being to please others. Earlier we looked at some of the different kinds of personal boundaries and why it’s worth taking the time to determine where you draw the line in the sand in your own life.

Think of a line crossing that makes you feel like a doormat. Does your friend expect you to be able to talk about his personal life around the clock? Does your partner assume that you are good at all shopping and cooking? Do you need a colleague to understand that you’re no longer comfortable always adjusting to their slack?

Once you define your boundaries, it will be easier for you to implement them with others.

Create a mantra

Mantras are classic motivational tools . I am filled with routine words and phrases that act as miniature pep talks in every corner of my life. I have ” for myself, for no one else ” when I am in the extra long distance; there is ” move on, move on, move on ” when I resist the urge to text my ex; and I rely on ” no” is a complete sentence ” whenever I need to, well, just say “no”.

Think of a personalized, edgy mantra that works for you — like “ phone, wallet, keys,” but for your self-respect. PsychCentral has a few ideas to get you started, like ” I’m allowed to say no ” or my favorite, ” Not my circus, not my monkeys .”

Make a List of Confidence Boosting Tools

The need to please everyone is often born out of insecurity or fear of rejection . One way to solve this problem is to keep a list on your phone that includes all the reasons why you deserve to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. Even if you don’t check the list regularly, compiling it can be a useful source of motivation.

Spend some time alone

Another common reason you please people is due to your lack of confidence in what you really think and feel. If you’re unsure of yourself, it’s easy to just agree with others to make the room happy.

I am a big proponent of journaling for introspection and understanding why you feel the need to put others first. Try asking yourself some tough questions about why you’re afraid to say no. Then write down your time and energy saving goals so you can start putting yourself first.

Prepare Ways to Say No

Learning to say “no” can be made easier by writing down pre-planned ways to decline requests. In this way, you do not climb, dodge, and end up inferior to others at the moment. Here are some ideas to think about:

• “Thanks, but I’m busy at the moment.”
• “I appreciate that you think of me, but I can’t accept it right now.”
• “Sorry, I have a conflict that I can’t work around.”
• “I just don’t have the time [your request] deserves.”
• “I can’t do that, but have you thought about [an alternative solution]?”

Remember that you don’t owe long explanations to anyone. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: “No” is a complete sentence. If all you can do is deviate and avoid the situation, then this is a start.

Take it step by step

You do not need to immediately apply all of the above tips. Start small, even if it means turning down email requests, before preparing to say no in person.

A few final reminders: try to avoid an endless supply of excuses and apologies. This will create more opportunities for you to return to your old ways of pleasing people. It takes some getting used to, but it’s worth learning to sit with the discomfort of self-assertion. At least be logical about pleasing people: you can’t please everyone. You will be doing yourself and everyone around you a favor by being realistic about what you can and cannot do for others.