How to Live With Regret (and Learn From It)
Once upon a time, motivational posters that adorned the walls of consultants’ offices and office rooms told us that “failure is unacceptable.” But at some point, that message waned after the failure, but revealed a new worst outcome: regret.
Failure was now an option if it meant you were at least trying to reach your goal. Because if you haven’t tried it, you will definitely regret it. And regret is what haunts you on your deathbed. (Or something like that.)
In reality, however, regret is a part of life, and anyone who says they don’t regret is probably lying (and should). And while it can be frustrating, regret can not only be lived but also learned from. Here’s how to do it.
How to live with regret
According to clinical psychologist John Amodeo, Ph.D., the idea that we should do everything in our power to live our lives without regrets puts us in a no-win situation.
“Believing that we should not regret puts us in double jeopardy,” he wrote in a 2018 article for PsychCentral . “We test them and wonder what is wrong with us because we have them. If we don’t have regrets, we’re either not paying attention or we’re living in denial. We all make mistakes sometimes.”
In addition to normalizing regret as a run-of-the-mill human emotion, it also helps to view it as a chance for self-improvement. Or, as Amodeo put it , “using [regret] as a door to better understand ourselves, others, and life itself.”
How to learn from regrets
First of all, ignore the #NoRegrets motivational posters and social media posts and rethink your attitude towards regret. Rather than regretting it as a failure, we should look at it as a learning opportunity—in particular, a chance to improve our decision-making skills .
Let’s say someone makes a business decision without taking the time to think about the potential risks and rewards. Technically, they could have been lucky, and everything worked out as they hoped. But in this scenario, this does not happen, and as a result, they regret their hasty decision.
Research, including this 2008 study , tells us that after such an experience, a person is more likely to learn from their mistake and spend time and effort contemplating their next major business decision. Or, if we regret behaving or treating someone in a certain way in the past, the idea is that we will dislike sitting with that regret so much that we won’t behave that way again.