How Can I Talk to My Spouse About Our Different Financial Habits?
Dear two cents, I have no debt and I keep my budget strictly. My wife has student loan arrears, earns less than me and tends to spend more. I would like to pool finances and manage our money together, but I think I need to resolve our differences. How can I constructively convey this to her so that it affects change?
Best regards, Better Budgeter
Hi BB! Money can be the source of many relationship problems. So it’s good that you want to be financially on the same page as your spouse. This is easier said than done, of course. Finding a way to raise this issue constructively is a good start. Here’s what you can do to productively negotiate money with your partner.
Know your spouse’s monetary philosophy
When discussing money with your partner, do not judge him. This means that you have to understand where the other person came from. Find out how your spouse feels about money. Find out his or her monetary philosophy . It may sound trivial, but knowing what drives your partner’s habits makes for a more productive discussion.
Each of you can write down or simply formulate a couple of sentences about what money means and represents to you. Also talk about what is financially important to each of you. Likewise, it also helps to know the ” money scenario ” that determines your partner’s behavior. Financial psychologist Brad Klontz says there are four main scenarios that determine how we handle money:
Money avoidance : “People with this trait think that money is bad, that rich people are greedy and do not deserve money.”
Worship of Money : “These people are convinced that more money will solve all their problems, that there will never be enough and that money brings strength and happiness.”
Monetary Status : “Status buffs believe that owning the latest and greatest things gives status.”
Monetary Vigilance : “People with this trait value frugality, the importance of saving, and being careful about how much they have or earn.”
Monetary vigilance may not seem like a negative trait. But Klontz explains that even in a pinch, it can cause financial problems. To solve or prevent financial problems in your relationship, it is helpful to explore each other’s money scenarios.
Financial expert Luc Landes at the Consumerism Commentary also recommends admitting your own monetary mistakes .
Admit how your own financial behavior sometimes gets in your way. Admit your mistakes. Are you too controlling? Are you living in fear?
If you are willing to admit your mistakes, it will be easier for your partner to be open about their mistakes.
Have a money meeting
When you better understand each other’s habits, talking constructively about money will become much easier. To start a money meeting with your spouse, first establish a few basic rules.
Establish ground rules
Since conversation can quickly become emotional, Wells Fargo suggests laying the groundwork to make it as rational as possible.
Conduct discussions during quiet times and schedule several shorter conversations rather than one long one. Listen carefully to your partner’s point of view and ask the same in return. Be specific about what you want the conversation to be about. Also try to be as prepared as possible before sitting down together.
Women’s Day also offers its own list of specific ground rules for talking about money with your spouse. Check out their full post on each of these rules, but here are some of the best:
Sit facing each other, nothing should be between you. First, select the speaker and listener (you will switch roles).
Set a timer for 2 minutes and allow the speaker to voice their concerns until it goes out. The speaker should start each sentence with an I for you to avoid accusing the other or using judgmental words.
If the situation escalates, take a 20-minute break and try again, sticking to facts and feelings.
It all boils down to this: Agree to speak respectfully and kindly, choose a time when neither of you is stressed, and know what topics you intend to bring up.
Select topics for discussion
You might want to delve deeper into the conversation by looking at your partner’s financial habits and how you want them to change. Instead, consider using the following basic questions as a rough outline, and then refer to specific details as they arise:
Your current financial situation : Start by calculating the numbers. List your income, debts, and assets. Then, review your spending to see how much you spend on housing, entertainment, food, vacations, and more.
Your financial dreams and goals : Talk about your personal and general goals. Your goal may simply be to pool your finances. Your spouse’s goal may be travel. You will also want to solve any financial problems or problems that need to be resolved.
Finance writer Trent Hamm says talking with his wife about individual and shared financial dreams helped them eventually come to a consensus.
We tried to figure out which of these dreams were most important to us …. Our first step was to focus on the dreams that we truly shared … Our second step was to build a solid financial base for what we wanted to accomplish. to do on the road. If we really wanted to take a vacation, look at new career paths, and ultimately buy a piece of land in a village and build our dream home, we couldn’t keep throwing money down a bloody hole of costly debt payments. and stuff that we really don’t need.
Your strategies : what will you do to actually achieve your dreams? Hamm says that after he and his wife put their dreams first, they came up with a game plan. This turned their dreams into goals.
Part of their game plan was to set smaller milestones to achieve a larger goal. They also regularly contacted each other to discuss how the goal was progressing.
After one successful conversation about money, consider holding these meetings regularly to connect with each other and stay on the same page. Focus on the milestones, using them as an optimistic basis for discussion.
Subtly Suggest Better Habits
Many couples disagree in different ways. If you are more frugal than your spouse, you can take another tip from Hamm and subtly suggest inexpensive options:
… When making spontaneous entertainment or social choices, offer in moderation, but do not point out. If your spouse wants to do something today, take the initiative and suggest something that doesn’t cut your budget in half. Instead of going to the mall, suggest going to the free museum. Instead of grabbing a bite to eat, invite you to prepare a romantic dinner at home. The best tactic is to spontaneously come up with an idea without getting hung up on the idea that it’s cheap.
You may just have to admit that you have different spending habits and try to work around them. You can set up automatic payments to avoid wasting money. Or, you can agree to set aside a certain amount from your budget each month, and then you can keep yours. Hamm writes:
Thus, if at the end of the month there is $ 200 left to spend, each of you takes $ 100, your spouse spends it, and you save. This works well if it’s clear that your spouse is likely to never make modest choices.
He suggests splitting the additional amount in half, but if your income differs significantly, you might be comfortable settling for a different amount. These are choices you will have to make together based on your own situation. If you need more tips on this topic, check out our post on How to Be Thrifty When Your Other Half Doesn’t .
Consider both combined and separate accounts
There seems to be a big gap between people who think couples should keep their finances together no matter what, and couples who think it’s okay to keep things separate.
Each side has its own set of valid points, but financial advisor Lori Itkin has another suggestion: do both. When I interviewed Itkin about relationships and finances, she told me that she and her husband combine finances, but since they disagree on spending, they also have separate accounts for personal spending. They agree on the amount of cash to spend for each of them. This amount then goes to each of their personal accounts, and they can do whatever they want with it. They keep a joint record of shared expenses and goals.
But Itkin told me that transparency is still important in keeping separate accounts. It’s not about hiding your spending; she and her husband are still shopping for each other. The idea is to simply work around differences in habits and priorities and avoid conflicts that can arise from these differences.
Money is sometimes difficult to talk about. Especially if you and your spouse have different financial ideals, it can be tricky to get the discussion going. But it’s important to resolve any financial issues and make sure you at least know where the other person is from. If you can’t fully understand the same page, find a way to work together despite your differences.
Regards, two cents
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