How People Deal With Criticism in Different Ways (and How to Do It Better)
Nobody likes to be told they suck, but that’s how most of us feel when criticized. However, not all of us treat criticism in the same way. Some people immediately realize that this is not personal, and some are defensive. This is how different people deal with it and what you can do yourself after receiving criticism.
This post originally appeared on the Crew blog .
Some people are great at taking criticism and using it to improve their work, while others may feel completely overwhelmed by even the most minimal critical feedback. In my opinion, receiving any kind of public criticism can cause severe sweating and redness (I know this is not the most feminine answer).
The advantage of working mostly from home is that I usually don’t have to show that kind of reaction in public. However, I have had many editors ripping up my thematic ideas and article suggestions rather rudely, and it could still be frustrating and confusing.
Regardless of how well you handle criticism, research has shown that criticism makes most of us feel bad about ourselves and can even ruin our productivity, as our brains spend so much energy dealing with criticism that it is difficult for us to focus on other things.
Your brain for criticism
According to Dr. Martin Paulus , associate professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Diego, there are two parts of our brain that determine how we emotionally process and respond to criticism: the amygdala and the medial prefrontal cortex.
The amygdala determines what we think is important and plays a key role in the formation of emotional memories, while the medial prefrontal cortex regulates how we respond to emotional stimuli (such as criticism).
The amygdala also plays a huge role in our fight-or-flight response, so receiving negative news such as criticism can sometimes feel truly dangerous. Bad feedback from your boss certainly won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like your career and livelihoods are at stake.
And these events remain with us. Our increased awareness of things that can harm us is called negative bias – which is why unpleasant comments and experiences stay with us much more than pleasant ones.
While it’s natural and inevitable to feel bad about criticism, allowing him to get the best of us can be incredibly detrimental to our productivity and overall happiness.
How different people deal with criticism
Despite our evolutionary tendency to feel somewhat threatened by criticism, we all have different attitudes towards criticism.
Some of the most common ways people deal with criticism are:
Internalizer
Some people seem to take outside criticism pretty well while beating themselves to a pulp inwardly . Such a response to criticism is characterized by psychological suppression of oneself and excessive severity in relation to oneself.
Self-confident
Like an internalizer, a convinced person is one who takes negative feedback very personally . However, instead of internally blaming yourself, you shift the blame onto others, perhaps even verbally. You may not be aggressive in your words, but you are likely to challenge and even object to negative statements in order to convince yourself and your critic that the criticism is unfair.
Defender
It is natural for us to defend ourselves against external threats, including criticism. Defenders show a mild, albeit somewhat defensive, response to negative feedback. However, you are not losing sleep over your criticism, and you are not going to argue with your boss about what you could have done better in the last quarter. You probably think that your critic is somewhat deluded, and you can leave it as it is.
Feedback seeker
This approach to criticism means that you actively ask questions about the criticism. You may feel overwhelmed by the remarks, but you do not scold yourself or shift the blame for the criticized actions onto the person who does them. You just want to know why they think, what they are doing, and what you can do to change their mind. More or less, this is probably how you should strive to deal with most criticism.
How to better resist criticism
While it is unlikely that a person will fit perfectly into one of these profiles, knowing which one best describes you can be a good tool for assessing how you deal with criticism.
In my case, I am most likely to fall into the “internalizer” profile, despite the fact that I am not very good at appearing unaffected by criticisms. Knowing this, I can appreciate that there is certainly room for improvement in the way I deal with criticism, and I can use the tips below to help me do that.
1. Separate criticism from yourself
Many of us take criticism more personally than we should, and this is where we are wrong. Dr. Paulus says it’s important for us to separate criticism from our sense of self. We do not want to view this as criticism of who we are as an individual , but rather as feedback about an individual action, a specific event or a specific situation.
“For example,” he says, “if a person says ‘this article is poorly written,’ then the important aspect is not to view this as criticism of the person who wrote the article, but as criticism of the article itself.
“Given that even the greatest writers can write bad articles, this will remove the strong sense of self-harm that often accompanies criticism and makes it easier to respond to criticism.”
Learning to view criticism as a review of what you did rather than a review of who you are , you may be able to become less critical of the criticism and get on with your day.
2. Ask open-ended questions
Asking questions to those who criticize you is important because it not only shows them that you are listening to their feedback, but also because it also allows you to learn more about why they viewed the action or event that way.
Asking open-ended questions is the best way to find out this information. Simple yes and no questions indicate that you are listening, but not looking for active feedback.
Ask questions such as, “How do you want me to handle this situation next time?” or “Could you describe an example of how you want me to handle this in the future?”
You will foster a more open and professional dialogue with your critic and hopefully both of you can end the conversation on good terms.
3. Don’t consider mistakes completely bad.
I know it sounds crazy, but mistakes are actually not all that bad. True, sometimes they can lead to “bad” things, such as wasting your time or what seems like a blow to your reputation, but the subjective perception of such events is all that determines their bad.
Rather than feel bad about mistakes and any criticism that might be caused by them, accept them and see this as a learning opportunity.
One way I’ve found over the years is to think about things like, “Well, I’d rather learn this now than later,” or “Now that I figured it out, I can do it right. next.’
If you are not upset about criticism and mistakes, you will feel more positive and better equipped to deal with similar situations in the future.
I think we can all say that criticism has played a role in who we are – from criticizing parents in childhood to criticism of peers in adulthood.
During my writing career, I’ve learned that for every negative comment there is a positive one, for every troll of comment there is a sincerely grateful reader, and for every failure there is a bit of luck. You just can’t let the negativity upset you.
You suck! Now what? The Psychology of Working with Criticism | Team blog