Focus on Your Apology Rather Than a Reason to Be Clear About Yourself.
Communication is critical when you’re apologizing, especially if you want your point of view to be heard too. If there is a “but” in your apology, consider swapping the before and after the “but”. This will focus on your apology rather than the reason for your behavior.
Freelance writer Jim Henley has a rule for apologies and heated conversations: “In any tense conversation, look for any statements that contain the word” but “and swap them.” He gives an example of how it works:
Compare: “I’m sorry that I yelled at you, but what you said made me very angry.” and “What you said made me very angry, but I’m sorry I yelled at you.” As a coordinating union, “but” unites independent and theoretically equal subordinate clauses. But in practice, what follows the “but” always prevails over what precedes it. So if you really want to apologize and really want to reassure the other person, you really want to make sure that the apology itself is in the dominant position. Otherwise, you are not apologizing; you are justifying your own behavior.
Naturally, most of us say the most important things in the first part and give a reason or explanation in the second part. However, the word “but” usually emphasizes the second part and distracts attention from the first part. The word “but” can be very strong, but (heh) sometimes it can help replace your “but” with an “and” .
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