How to “Gently Intervene” in the Parenting Role
At one end of the spectrum of parenting styles are ” helicopter parents ” who constantly vigilantly try to protect their children from almost everything. On the other hand, we have “ free-range parents ” who let their kids go out – just like we did in the good old days when we only came home for an occasional sandwich or when streetlights turned on at dusk. … … But there is a sweet spot between the two, and as one child neuropsychologist describes, parents are deliberately intervening.
What is deliberate intervention?
Dr. Sara Levin Allen , executive director of the Brain Behavior Bridge and the author of the Raising Brains: Mindful meddling to the Raise Successful, Happy, the Connected Kids , says that it has developed the idea of a conscious intervention, because it is by nature intervenes, but recognized the importance of we deliberately intervened in the lives of those we love.
“We need to create more cases where we actually care about the best interests of the other person, and not just because of the desire to step in and fix the situation,” says Allen. “And as parents, we are constant helpers; we want to fix these things. “
Allen says that instead of tackling every last problem for our kids like helicopter parents might, it’s important to purposefully define why and how we get involved so that we help our kids develop their own problem-solving skills.
Let their goals guide you.
As they get older, children work on one developmental milestone after another. For example, when they are young, they may learn how to manage their emotions, or learn to use words to express their feelings. So if you say they can’t eat ice cream for dinner and they start kicking and screaming on the floor, knowing what goal they are working on will help you figure out how you will react. If your focus is on managing their emotions, you can help them learn to take deep breaths to lower their heart rate. If they are working on labeling emotions, you can use words they can use to describe their feelings (when they calm down).
“Once you know what your kids are working on, it’s a lot easier for you to make informed intervention,” Allen says, “because the idea is that you want to take a step back when that’s a goal your child is working on.”
In her own home, she says, her son is working to develop problem-solving skills, especially with regard to homework. If Allen had seriously intervened, she would have simply emailed the teacher and asked what his assignments were. However, being a considerate intruder, she discusses with her son how he can find the information he needs.
“And then it becomes an exercise for him to figure out how to protect himself, instead of me jumping and calling the teacher and solving the problem – it doesn’t teach him anything,” she says. “When you deliberately interfere, your goal is to teach.”
It is helpful to remember that a parent who deliberately interferes is directing, not directing.
Deliberately interfere with their social relationships
One area where we may be tempted to interfere a little more is our children’s peer relationships, especially in the event of conflict. Our instinct is to step in and tell them what to do the next time their friends deliberately leave them for recess, or when one kid calls another kid a mean name. We may even admit that one of their friends is not a particularly good friend, and we can point this out and invite them to spend that time with someone else. But when we tell them what to do, we deprive them of the experience of learning to manage their own relationships.
“I always encourage my parents to think, ‘What is this little brain supposed to learn and what can I teach this brain? Allen says.
In the long term, it is important to teach them how to handle the situation on their own so that as they get older and no longer share these things with you, they have the skills they need to manage whatever situation they face. In practice, this means that they ask reflexive questions that make them talk about how they feel in a given situation, how they can communicate this to their friend, and what makes a person a good friend in the first place.
“You want them to think about the relationship for themselves, because they won’t tell you everything [when they get older],” Allen says. “You want them to hear your voice in their head because you can’t always be there. If you do not teach – if you do not consciously intervene and instead intervene directively – you will run into problems because they will not have the skills [they] have created themselves … to manage their own relationships in the future. “