How to Determine Your Partner’s “libido” Type and Get Better in Bed
Have you ever been in a relationship when it felt like you were on completely different pages about sex? Maybe they are constantly nervous, rejecting you, or complaining that this is not enough. Everyone has a different type of sex drive, and identifying your partner’s type will make your life much easier – and your sex – much better.
Psychologist Sandra Perto has developed a model of 10 unique types of libido based on people’s relationships with sex. Pertot believes that understanding your type can help you develop greater sexual compatibility in your relationship – which means you no longer need to look at your calendar, try to remember the last time you had sex, and no longer scream, “I can’t believe that you want sex now. ! “
Sensual lovers prioritize connection
Core belief: “I don’t care about sexual gymnastics as much as I care about my partner’s presence and emotional availability.”
Key characteristics : Sensual lovers use sex as a way to feel connected with their partners. They are flexible, kind and generous in a bag as long as they feel the presence of a partner. If they feel unloved or disconnected, you can forget about getting in their pants.
If your partner is sensual : Ask your partner what emotional closeness means to him. If you don’t understand what it means to be present, try meditation , yoga, or mindfulness . If you can show your partner that you are interested in exploring sexuality with him , he will be quite open to meeting your interests. Consider yourself lucky.
Erotic lovers need to feel the heat
Core belief: “Sex is only good if it’s passionate and intense.”
Key Features : Erotic lovers want Titanic-style tension during sex – a hand against a fogged-up window. Sometimes they find it difficult to realize that there are other ways to have sex (for example, less fun but always important supportive sex ). Erotic types may have a bunny-rabbit like libido, but they tend to prefer quality over quantity. They may think that sex is the most important part of a romantic relationship.
If your partner is erotic : erotic types can be the engine in the bedroom, so the ride of your life awaits you. But you may also need to help your partner realize that you can have great sex without getting it to 11 every time. You may also need to remind your partner that sex isn’t the only beautiful part of your relationship.
Addicted lovers use sex as a stress reliever
Core belief: “I need sex to cope with my life.”
Key characteristics : Addicted types rely on sex as their primary stress reliever. Forget about therapy, breathing exercises, or even strong drinks; sex is the only thing that really brings relief. They can become withdrawn and angry if they don’t have regular sex.
If your partner is addicted : Your partner will likely want sex on a regular basis and want you to be an active participant. Blowing steam with a ball of hay can be a lot of fun, but you may end up feeling drained by the constant compulsion to have sex. Sex also runs the risk of being impersonal if you feel like your partner thinks more of his wacky boss than he does of you. You can share these fears and encourage your partner to learn other coping mechanisms or.
Right lovers want what they want
Core belief: “I deserve to get what I want in the bedroom.”
Key Features : Favored types place a high value on their own desires and may not understand the concept of compromise. They sometimes feel that their desires are more important than the desires of their partners, and can be assertive or demanding when they don’t get what they want.
I think Perto knows a bit about this type of character (and he’s not the only one). Not all Entitled types are the assholes she makes them look like. Some people just strongly believe that sex is important and are willing to defend their needs. Others come more from a fear-based place rooted in Keeping Up With Jones-Itis; they worry that everyone else has a better sex life than they do.
If your partner is eligible : Help your partner understand that you, too, value your sex life, and that the two of you can work together to create a sex life that fulfills both of your desires.
Addictive amateurs find it hard to say no
Core belief: “I cannot refuse every opportunity to have sex.”
Key characteristics : Addictive types can find it difficult to give up sexual achievements or opportunities, even if they are in a monogamous relationship. They may become obsessed with the attractiveness of a new sex partner (but let’s face it, who isn’t?). They tend to be sensitive to rejection.
Pertot makes no distinction between addictive types, who secretly cheat, and those who admit that monogamy is not the right model for them . This is an unfortunate omission.
If your partner is addictive : If you have been cheated on, you may have to make a painful decision to stay or leave. If you are with someone who expresses a desire for an open or polygamous relationship, you need to find out if these relationship models are right for you.
Reactive lovers put their partner first
Core belief: “My partner’s satisfaction is what turns me on.”
Key characteristics : Reactive types try to make their partners the center of attention. Pertot divides this category into two subtypes: those who truly enjoy having sex solely for their partner, and those who sacrifice their own pleasure in order to satisfy their partner. A big difference!
If your partner is reactive : Try to help your significant other understand their motivation for sex. Are they really due to your satisfaction? Or are there times when they are too generous? Regardless of their subtype, you can try to help your partner realize that their pleasure is important too. Tell your partner, “I love entertaining you too! And sometimes it’s fun if we both can be the stars of the show together. “
Stressed Lovers Avoid Sex
Core belief: “I want sex, but I stay away because I’m afraid I won’t be able to please my partner.”
Key characteristics : Most people develop stressful types of libido in response to a particularly difficult period in their life or relationships. Perhaps everything was fine before, but somewhere along the way, they lost confidence in their sexual abilities and no longer know what they want. Stressful types of libido can put tremendous pressure on performance and anxiety. The old “paint your audience naked” trick doesn’t work here. Some people under stress feel anxious if their partner tries to initiate any kind of sexual contact.
If your partner is under stress : Your partner may need help figuring out the specific sexual dynamics that are bothering him. Ask other important questions, for example, “What do you think I expect from you?” Deal with all their misconceptions and try not to put too much pressure on them. It might be like walking on an eggshell.
Disinterested lovers are not big fans of sex
Core belief: “I wouldn’t care if I never had sex again.”
Key characteristics : Uninterested types are simply not that interesting to you (and by “you” I mean “sex”). Some uninterested types may feel good about “agreeing” with their partner’s sexual initiations, and may even enjoy sex, but they don’t want sex on their own. Pertot does not explicitly mention asexuality, but some uninterested types may identify as asexual.
If your partner is disinterested : Two disinterested partners tend to get along well together as sex is not a priority for either of them. If your partner is disinterested and you are not, things can get a little more complicated. Some uninterested people may throw a dice at you from time to time, but that may not be enough. You may have to make difficult decisions about the future of your relationship.
Detached lovers respond to stress
Core belief: “I would rather masturbate.”
Key characteristics : The detached personality tends to be more temporary than any other personality. Separate types have sexual desire, but are not interested in sex with a partner. Their lack of interest is usually a reaction to life stress or stress in a relationship that causes the person to distance themselves from their partner. Have you cheated on your partner? Yes, probably for some time they will not be so interested in having sex with you.
If your partner is withdrawn : Help your partner find out when and why they started giving up sex. What was going on in their lives and in your relationship at the time? Sometimes the answer will be obvious, but sometimes it may be less clear. Ask them if you have ways to support you.
Compulsive partners – it’s all about the details
Core belief: “I need to [fill in the gap] to get aroused.”
Key Characteristics : Compulsive types have certain fetishes and fantasies that they need to feel desire. Some compulsive types like to engage their partners in fantasy (by forcing them to wear those sky-high heels), while others like to go it alone (relaxing only on the specified heels).
I find the name “Compulsive” a little judgmental; many people have perfectly healthy relationships with their sexual fantasies.
If your partner is compulsive : You must decide for yourself if you feel comfortable bringing your partner’s fantasies into the bedroom with you, but please never shame the other person for turning them on. If you’re open and ready, your partner will probably be happy to help you fulfill your own fantasies.
Is there a particular type you identify with the most? Or do you feel like a combination of several types? If you are currently in a relationship, do you consider yourself compatible?
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