How to Help a Young Child Deal With an Unreliable Friend
It can be offensive for any of us when a friend cancels plans at the last minute, but for a child who is looking forward to a date or a fun activity with a loved one, the pain of canceled plans is very acute. Any plan involving other people outside the home, especially after so many months of isolation, is like a beacon of joy for a young child. Everyone has to cancel plans from time to time, but if you notice that plans with one friend seem to be canceled more often than not, you probably have a frustrated – if not devastated – baby in your arms.
It’s part of life to get discouraged from a canceled entertainment from time to time. But when one of their friends becomes completely unreliable, it’s probably time to set some boundaries and buffers. As someone who has dealt with my own son’s unreliable friends (or rather, their unreliable parents) for years, here are strategies that have helped us minimize ongoing frustration without completely breaking ties.
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The thing about young children is that they are just as reliable as their parents when it comes to fulfilling plans. They may want to go to the zoo as badly as your child, but if their parent suddenly gets a double booking or doesn’t feel like it again , they are just as helpless as the rest of us. But you may start to notice patterns in which actions they actually take and which ones are more likely to be reversed.
It may be that 90% of the time you plan to do something early in the morning, someone in the Bradford family is about to oversleep and you get a cancellation text five minutes before you leave the house. … On the other hand, you might be able to determine that if you buy tickets for something, they will appear every time. Look for patterns in their behavior and make plans accordingly. When you say yes, you may need a more strategic approach to curb the problem.
Help manage your child’s expectations
If you notice that one of their buddies is giving them up all the time, your child probably noticed it too. However, that doesn’t stop them from always hoping that this time, when their friend’s parents say they are going to take him to Coney Island, they are really serious. If you doubt this will actually happen, there are several ways you can help them meet their expectations.
When my son was three to five years old, I just didn’t tell him when I made plans with his unreliable friends. As soon as I received a text message that said they were about to leave, I “surprised” my son with a fun walk. He would have been delighted with the occasional “change” of plans for the day, and on other occasions I avoided unnecessarily crushing him.
But when the kids are old enough to know about the plans, you can’t keep it a secret from them. If so, acknowledge that while the plans seem funny, we must remember that sometimes they do fail — and if so, what else could we have done that day? You might say something like, “Wow, Coney Island sounds so much fun. I hope the weather improves and everyone can go! Otherwise, it might be appropriate to have a family date at a popcorn movie. ” That way, if they end up dropping like hot potatoes, the seeds have already been sown, which can happen and it will be easier for you to move on to plan B.
Be honest with your parents
Finally – and this is probably most important – the person who has earned themselves a reputation for canceling plans at the last minute is someone who will continue to give up plans in the future. If this is not a close friend of your child, the friendship may fade away on its own over time. But if it’s a good friend they want to spend time with, the real solution is to be direct with your parents. You don’t have to be aggressive about this, but you might be curious .
You can say that you’ve noticed that they’ve had to undo a lot lately and ask if there is some underlying reason you should be aware of, is the child the one who really never wants to leave, or is it just due to disorganization or hectic family life. Once you know that the child is interested in the relationship, you can make it clear that you are willing to accommodate him and his schedule as much as possible, but that it can be helpful to reduce the number of play dates or walks you plan together to reduce the amount of bounce and prioritize the plans you make .